Couture du Jour: Opposite Game

Question: What's completely hideous and is the opposite of a tankini. Answer: Uma Thurman's bathing suit.
Seriously, what is that thing? I know she has kids and all but Christ, there's no excuse for that...

YOUR 15 MINUTES: This Is A Bikini on Bud. Any Questions?

Depending on how you look at it, in some aspects Steven Cole is a fun drunk. The 46 year-old volunteer firefighter from Ohio decided to romp through a park in 60 degree weather looking absolutely hilarious in a cheap woman's wig and a string bikini stuffed with tan-ish water balloons. He told an officer he was on his way to a Dayton bar to perform as a woman in a contest offering a $10,000 prize, the arrest report said. When police searched the car, they discovered a duffel bag full of women’s clothes in the truck and the 40 oz of Budweiser he was drinking (how manly). The bad part of the story is that there were children in the park and he was seen fondling himself. Gross. He pleaded not guilty Thursday to charges of drunken driving, public indecency and disorderly conduct.

He's on administrative leave which I didn't know existed for volunteers positions. I think he still has a future in firefighting: he could have his very own male firefighter calendar but it could double as a bikini calendar. You could kill two fundraising birds with one tan water balloon.

Celebrity Clone: Swimsuit Edition

Plastic surgery.I can't make up my mind: should they stick to 1 piece suits or am I too used to seeing airbrushed people?

Not So Tanfastic Laws

Growing up in Middleofnowhere, PA, there wasn’t much to do as a teen except play sports, go tanning and talk about people (or if you were from the wrong side of the tracks – have babies and dream about food stamps). I was a serious tanorexic in my teenage years and I still love to tan…except that pale-ass politicians recently decided that tanning beds are UV WMDs and it’s interfering with my skin tone and my tanning schedule. When I lived in PA, you could tan whenever you wanted. In fact, some salons were open 24 hours a day. It was your responsibility to use the beds with caution. In VA, a number of salons now claim that according to law, you can only tan two days in a row and then you have to take a day off. The tanning salon where I hold a membership (also in VA) will allow you to tan once every 24 hours – they keep track too. If I go in at 7pm, I can’t go until after 7pm the next day. While this often presents scheduling difficulties, I can deal with these minimal regulations (even though I haven’t actually found them in VA law). Fortunately I’m no longer a teen because I would draw the tan line here:

No smoking. No drinking. No talking on cell phones while driving. Now, the latest no-no in state laws aimed at underage teens is indoor tanning. Spurred by worries about skin cancer, Utah and Virginia this year joined 25 other states in placing limits on teens seeking a bronze glow from the ultraviolet lights of a tanning bed. North Dakota's Legislature is putting the final touches on a measure to also clamp restrictions on tanning salon patrons under age 18. Most of the laws require underage teens to get parental permission to lie under the tanning-bed heat lamps that emit intense UV light. A handful of states completely ban access to artificial UV light in salons for those younger than 13, 14 or 16. Others require teens to bring along a parent or a doctor's prescription. Critics say the tan bans are an example of government overreaching, while advocates compare the use of tanning beds to cigarette smoking and the drinking of alcohol — unhealthy practices states already put off limits to minors. But the restrictions have incensed the $5 billion indoor tanning industry and led to charges of government "nannyism."

The Indoor Tanning Association, which boasts of 25,000 professional indoor tanning facilities in the United States and 30 million customers, insists that moderate exposure to the sun can be a benefit. An article posted on the Indoor Tanning Association Web site states that sun exposure can help fight off depression by boosting levels of serotonin, reduce heart disease by raising levels of Vitamin D, prevent diabetes, prevent cavities, boost fertility, ease irritable bowl disorder, combat menstrual problems, ease skin conditions such as psoriasis, acne and eczema and can even help with weight loss. "I think it is a personal right to tan, just like it is to talk on a cell phone. When are we going to stop over-regulating the lives of our youth?" said North Dakota state Sen. Nick Hacker who voted against imposing tanning restrictions. [source]

I agree. The right to tan should be in the constitution. Don’t politicians have something better to control? I bet the decrease of teen tanning will directly correlate with an increase in teen sex. I might do a research study. In the meantime, expect an increase in the oompa loompa look at your local high school thanks to the spray on tan. Mystic Tan: Orange you glad you look like an Oompa Loompa. Now that stuff should be illegal. Not only is the color completely hideous, the after-scent is just wrong. I sat next to a guy on a plane and he must've applied fake tanner during takeoff or something. He made me gag AND gave me a headache. Do not ever use sunless tanner and then go on a plane. Actually, do not ever use sunless tanner.