Birthday ALARM

Actress Andie MacDowell is 48.

Actor Charles Grodin is 71.
Singer Iggy Pop is 59.
Singer Paul Davis is 58.
Actress Patti LuPone is 57.
Actor Tony Danza is 55.
Singer Robert Smith of The Cure is 47.
Guitarist Michael Timmins of Cowboy Junkies is 47.
Actor-director John Cameron Mitchell (Hedwig and the Angry Inch) is 43.
Rapper Michael Franti of Spearhead is 38.
Comedian Nicole Sullivan (King of Queens) is 36.

One Randy 'n' Rockin' Blind Vice

Spring fever! It's here, darlings. I knew it was when a very de-lish lass spared no moist detail as she related her mattress mash-up with an action-remake director. Will they meet again?
Oh, who cares! We have better thumpin' things to talk about today. Like, say, crooner Dinky Rider and his pretty damn serious girlfriend, Clenched Class.

Here's what's funny: C.C. is so sumptuous (though some would call the babe prissy) that it's hard to picture her in something as common and practical as...a bus. Yet D.R. is quite the opposite when it comes to moving vehicles (his private parts most definitely included).
There was a concert. Girlies galore were stampeding Mr. R., who was doing his best to shun the horny honeys, as things are superserious between C. 'n' D.

Keep that lovely sentiment in mind while we zoom in on a bus parked backstage for Dinky's private use. Frantic fans, journalists and roadies milled about, soaking up the fun-ass scene. And then a door opened from Dink's wheels. And a remarkably curvy gal emerged with that look on her face, you know--the glow. Wonder if said peach-puss had anything to do with muffled screams and quiet moans heard prior from same locale? Hmmm.

Two points of note: Mystery bedhead babe is a very different body type from C.C. All they have in common is...well, I won't say. I wouldn't want Clenched to come after me with a blow dryer or anything.

I want to say Nicole Kidman/Keith Urban -- she seems like she wouldn't ride in a bus but he probably would. I wouldn't necessarily say she's sumptuous but definitely a little prissy. The mystery bedhead is curvey and Ted says that bedhead is a different body type from Clenched Class. Nicole Kidman is one skipped meal away from being completely ana so that might make sense. I also thought it could've been J.Lo until I saw the clue. Dino's guess was Hilary Duff and that guy from that punk band. Whatcha think?

Crash-tastic

Orlando Bloom nearly killed some guy on Monday while driving in London. He hit some fella on a scooter (who probably deserved it, because most people who drive scooters are pretentious dicks), causing internal injuries. He apologized with an autograph. That's classy. I'm sure he'd also like to sue your ass, Orlando.

[Source]

This is Ludacris!

PageSix is reporting that Luda is pissed at Ms. O. Seems that Ludacris feels he was miffed when he appeared on her show to promote the movie, "Crash."

"She edited out a lot of my comments while keeping her own in," Ludacris recently told GQ magazine. "Of course, it's her show, but we were doing a show on racial discrimination, and she gave me a hard time as a rapper when I came on there as an actor. I don't see why people like Chris Rock and Dave Chappelle, who I am huge fans of, it's OK for them to go on 'Oprah.' They speak the same language as I do, but they do it through comedy, so I guess that's acceptable."

I saw that shit (not that I watch Oprah, ever...). She sat there and chastized these guys for using the word, "nigga" and of course, shot to her audience of middle-aged white women who shook their heads in agreement -- the same dumbasses that never read a book before Oprah said it was cool.

[source]

The Question on Everyone's Mind

Is Missy Elliott a dyke?

[saving face]

Birthday ALARM

Actress/Slutrag Carmen Electra is 34.

Actor George Takei (Star Trek) is 69.
Singer Johnny Tillotson is 67.
Actor Ryan O'Neal is 65.
Keyboardist Craig Frost of Grand Funk Railroad is 58.
Actress Jessica Lange is 57.
Actor Clint Howard is 47.
Actor Crispin Glover is 42.
Country singer Wade Hayes is 37.
Actor Joey Lawrence (Blossom, Brotherly Love) is 30.

One Horsing Around Blind Vice

Pixie Mixie, your life is becoming more and more like a serialized British comedy that would be far too raunchy and ribald for American audiences. We here in the land of the fruity and the free don't tend to condone racial slurs and messy heroin stains. Try Great Brit, Pix--that's where they use nefarious humor and the C-word like I do overdone adjectives!

Alas, Pixie is certainly very American. So, she should know better. Or maybe she does, and she just doesn't care; who the eff knows with this broad. 'Kay. Let's get ugly, shall we?

It was at a glitzy party in an even glitzier city that Pixie Mixie was relaxing at a table with some of her snootiest, closest friends. Thrilled to see the famous mini-goddess in person, a humble young man approached. He smiled broadly, in a winky way. "I am a star-fucker, and you are a star," he bravely--and totally cojones-equipped--blurted. "See where this is going?" But Pixie wasn't in the mood to joke around. "Ewww!" she railed, loud enuff for everyone within several feet to hear. "Get this [racial epithet] away from me!"

So racist! So bossy! Her tablemates looked around, all horrified.

Naturally, the fawning fellow fled across the room. Feeling guilty, he sent over an olive branch (the kind Matt Lauer might send to Tom Cruise, say): a plate of French fries and a gravy boat. But Pixie didn't so much as touch the damn food. Instead, she bolted.

Later in the evening, Pix was back on the scene at a party nearby. Important denizens noticed that something was different about her. A sudden haircut? A new shade of rouge? Nope. It was the mustache she had suddenly grown. Not the kind that can be staved off with a little electrolysis at Elizabeth Arden. Nope. Pixie's stache was made of powder. No, not Kate Moss white; this stache was yellow and brown. Yep, heroin lip.Oh, Pixie, really?

Well, there is something redeeming in all this. Maybe glamour girlfriend only gets racist when she's all smacked out. See, I knew we'd end on a positive note!

And it's not....

This one is pretty fun actually...WHAT A DISGUSTING PICKUP LINE...go Hollywood. So Ted ruled out a crackhead, a cokehead and a girl who supposedly (according to Ted's special press release) ISN'T Jordache Junkie (the star who fucks cater waiters while high on herion). He still left us Nicole Richie to dissect. She shouldn't be calling people racial epithets especially since it would probably offend most of her family, both biological and adopted. Now she's acting like Paris Hilton....and if Paris weren't so NOT "mini-goddess-ish" I might think he was actually talking about her. God knows rumor's said it more than once that she's into heroin and likes the N word. Could it be? Whoever this Pixie Mixie star is, I'm thinking it's time for this star to fall because this behavior is just downright gross.

Ok I didn't really give you my guess(es): Obviously Nicole Richie is still left, Sienna Miller and Kate Moss (British reference - but Ted says Pixie is VERY AMERICAN), Mischa Barton (guess from an old Pixie Mixie she was born in England but is very American)...what do you think?

FASHION FIX: Towels and White Armpits Aren't "IN"

Seriously people, what is this?

Ok...I know literally this picture is made-up Lindsay Lohan in some sort of weird, drape-y tan dress with little Chanel earrings, a big, gold bracelet and little white purse.

What I see though is a young, overrated, trying-too-hard, not-that-pretty, not-that-talented (puhleeze all you haters, did you see her on SNL?) cokewhore, dressed in a strategically positioned and draped beige towel, with a fake tan, white armpits, an ugly purse and a hell of a lot more money than a combined 18 blog readers will probably earn in their lifetimes. I just gave you at least 9 good reasons to be at least $10 richer by not speding your money on A Prairie Home Companion or Just My Luck and 5+ good reasons not to dress like this. ...and no, I don't hate Lindsay Lohan so all you Lindsay fans chill out...I think she's just sadly displaced.

Mandy Moore's Devil Inside

We all totally know Mandy Moore isn't the little innocent sweetheard she makes herself out to be. The NY Post recently printed a quote by Mandy about how the heartless little sweetie pie kicked her parents out on the streets:

"My parents moved in with me, I'm very close with my family, but the time came about a year ago to actually kick my parents out--because it's my house! So I had to have the awkward talk with them like, 'I think it's about time you guys moved back to Florida,' which is where I grew up. Not only did they lose me, they lost my younger brother who was going to live with me as well, and stay in the house. They became homeless and empty-nesters at the same time."

Jesus Christ Mandy, don't you have some money leftover from one of your stupid movies, or your t-shirt line or that greatest hits album or something? That's just cold. I bet they don't have jobs because they spent their lives grooming her into the hot little almost-actress/singer/designer that she is. You know she's probably really saucy in the sack though. On another note, I totally picked that picture because I'm wearing a similar outfit today. [source]

YOUR 15 MINUTES: Anonymous Homeless Man

Here's a story to tug on your rusted, bitter heartstrings...

An anonymous homeless man, we’ll call him AHM for short, was digging through the garbage in Santa Ana, California and came across a wallet with $900 in cash and credit cards. Sounds like a lucky jackpot day for a homeless guy, right?

Well obviously I wouldn’t be writing about this if AHM kept the money. Yup, he returned the wallet and the money to Kim Bogue, a janitor in the city's government buildings and a native of Thailand who obviously isn’t Americanized enough to know that one shouldn’t carry around such a large amount of cash if one can’t afford to lose said cash. Of course Kim Bogue prayed to God to help her and apparently the god of honest homeless men decided to answer.

Workers at a nearby relief kitchen said the AHM always insists on paying for his food. "He has a very good heart," said Bogue, who gave the man a $100 reward. "If someone else found it, the money would be gone." Kim Bogue sounds like a cheap biznatch--if someone less fortunate than myself returned my $900 and credit cards they’d be getting a lot more than $100 and a pat on the back. [source]

More artistic glory

But it's Kate Moss doing yoga this time, so it's not nearly as vomit-inducing as Britney giving birth. Brit scuptor Marc Quinn calls this "The Sphinx."

[source]

Another Day at the Beach

Chloe Sevigny obviously has a face only a mother could love but she really does have a body that a lot of people probably wouldn't mind loving. Check it out -- once you remove her hideously ugly clothes from her body and her entire head from the situation, her body is pretty bangin'. Sigh. I don't think I will ever understand the "butherface" (you know, pronounced 'butterface") phenomenon. Why can't all the good bodies just match the good faces? If that occurred, I can guarantee this world would totally fabulous, superficial place to live. ..unless, of course, you were one of the ugly ones!

Ruminations by Nick Lachey

Nick on the end of his marriage to Jessica Simpson:

• "I'll tell you how I knew my marriage was over: I was told."
• "Jessica and I began playing these parts (on their MTV reality show Newlyweds) even when we were by ourselves. It became a really blurred line. There was a question about what truly was our reality."
• "I don't pretend to understand (former father-in-law) Joe (Simpson). ... I don't know if he ever liked me. To this day I couldn't say. It was painful. Do I think Joe drove a rift between us? No. Was he an influence in our marriage? Absolutely."
• "I don't know if there were other men. But if she did cheat, it was the result of something bigger, not the reason we didn't work. ... Sometimes I think it would be easier if I had just walked in the house and found her in bed with a guy. That would be clear-cut. End of story. I wouldn't have to deal with the uncertainty of adultery." [source]

Real Life Conspiracy?

How very ironic that both Tom Cruise and Brooke Shields' children were born on the EXACT SAME DAY. Both children weighing in at around 7 pounds, and measuring 20 inches long.

Now that I write this, I realize how very uninsightful I've been. However, I still feel as though I've just witnessed some sort of conspiracy.

Brook Shields suffered from postpartum depression after the birth of her first child. Last year she was criticized by Tom Psychopath-Cruise, who as a Scientologist opposes psychiatry and prescription medication to battle depression.

Mr. Unsexy Universe

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the least sexiest of them all? Well, according to the "alternative" Boston Phoenix newspaper website by way of the MSN website, the Unsexiest Man in the World is Gilbert Gottfried. The Phoenix says "The parrot-voiced, pickled-face comic is to sexy what Kryptonite is to Superman." How nice of them. I thought maybe it was just because those AFFLACK commercials are totally annoying. I do have to concur that Gilbert Gottfried is pretty damn unsexy.

In a surprising twist, Osama Bin Laden came in number eight while Kevin Federline came in at 99 and Brad Pitt finished up the list as the World's 100th Unsexiest Man (they speculate due to rumors of bad hygiene). I speculate a bunch flaming gay Jennifer Ansiton fans did the voting. Others on the list included: Michael Jackson, Jerry Seinfeld, Ron Howard, Clay Aiken, Roger Ebert, Dr. Phil, Alan Colmes, Nickelback's Chad Kroeger, My Chemical Romance member Gerard Way, and New York Yankee pitcher Randy Johnson.

PS. Men voted on this and I have to say these Boston men have REALLY bad taste to pick Kevin Federline as number 99 only to have Brad Pitt below him. This is the only list Kevin should be at the top of! [source]

Birthday ALARM

Actor Hayden Christensen (Star Wars) is 25.

Actor Hugh O'Brian is 81.
Actress Elinor Donahue (Father Knows Best) is 69.
Actor Tim Curry is 60.
Singer Mark Flo Volman of The Turtles is 59.
Hip-hop mogul Suge Knight is 41.
Country singer Bekka Bramlett of Bekka and Billy is 38.
Actress Ashley Judd is 38.
Actor James Franco (Spider-Man films, Freaks and Geeks) is 28.
Actress Kate Hudson is 27.
Actress Catalina Sandino Moreno (Maria Full of Grace) is 25.

Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes: Baby Watch UPDATE

I know Dino already posted the...um...exciting news. I'm just here delivering additional details via CNN.

It's a girl. She's named Suri, which is Hebrew for "princess" or Persian for "red rose." She weighed 7 pounds, 7 ounces and measured 20 inches long. I really expected them to pick a more traditional name like Jennifer or Sara or Emily. Not Suri the Scientologist Cruise.

Additional details about the birth were not released so I have no idea if Katie Holmes actually kept her trap shut during the traditional Scientology silent birthing ritual. I also have no idea if a prosthetic belly was removed and a baby was flown in from...say...Israel or Iran.

Katie Gave Birth On The Moon!

That's totally not true. She didn't give birth on the moon; she just gave birth to an alien child. DUH.

Anyway, People.com claims that these two crazy fucks had their first child together!

[source]

Shouldn't they just call it "Getting Fat"?

Taco Hell is coining a new phrase for midnight snackers:

“Fourthmeal is the late night meal between dinner and breakfast that includes four signature tastes and textures found only at Taco Bell.” Three national TV spots produced by Foote, Cone & Belding will support the effort. "Not so long ago, the term 'brunch' was coined for people who ate a late breakfast," said Bill Pearce, CMO of Taco Bell. "Fourthmeal finally gives the millions of Taco Bell consumers who eat late at night their own definition.” Yeah, like they needed one.

They even have a Fourthmeal website, which is shocking because I didn't realize that big fatties who eat at midnight and live in their parents' basements understood much about computers.

[Source]

uh huh

from gapingvoid.com