Paris Terminated, Should Be Exterminated

Paris Hilton was recently terminated from her SpoofCard account for allegedly breaking into unauthorized voice mail boxes. SpoofCard calling cards offer the ability to change what someone sees on their caller ID display when they receive a phone call. SpoofCard announced today that it had terminated the accounts of more than 50 customers, including Paris Hilton, who they claim used the SpoofCard service to obtain unauthorized access to voice mail accounts on a national mobile telephone network. Many of the terminated customers and the victims whose mailboxes were accessed are well-known celebrities, including Lindsay Lohan. TMZ spoke with SpoofCard attorney Mark Del Bianco and he stated that "Paris was entering unauthorized [voice] mail boxes." When asked about Lindsay, he told us, "A number of the 50 persons [who were canceled by Spoofcard] were making unauthorized entrances to Miss Lohan's voice mail." A source close to the scandal also told TMZ that Nicky Hilton and Paris' ex-boyfriend Stavros Niarchos may have been involved. TMZ contacted Leslie Sloane Zelnick, rep for Lindsay, who would only say "I have turned this matter over to Lindsay's lawyers."A rep for Paris could not be reached at press time. On July 20th of this year, Celebrity Hijinx brought you a story about Paris hacking into Lindsay Lohan's Sidekick. At the time, Paris' rep, Elliot "I lie so much I believe myself" Mintz said: "I'm saddened this happened to Lindsay. I lived through this with Paris two years ago when her Sidekick was hacked into, and the loss of privacy is unbearable. But as for any suggestion that Paris would have anything to do with this, that is silly, untrue and unfortunate." SpoofCard discovered the activity while reviewing its customer call records for evidence of fraud and other prohibited conduct. The company is publicly announcing its action in order to discourage this type of activity and to alert mobile telephone networks and their customers to the need to protect voice mail access with passwords. SpoofCard has put software controls on its network so that customers can no longer use its service to break into the voice mail boxes of victims it has identified. In this case, Spoofcard told TMZ that it will cooperate with any law enforcement inquiry into possible violations of the Federal Stored Wire and Electronic Communications Act involving unauthorized access to voice mail boxes.

I just can't believe Paris is smart enough to actually develop and implement this scheme...and even if she is, do you really think she'd be convicted of a violation of the Federal Stored Wire and Electronic Communications Act for breaking into Lindsay Lohan's voicemail? Her and her Greek Nachos Grande don't even get in trouble for hit-and-run/DUI. Whatever the case, even though breaking into voicemail takes some skill, it's still so middle school.

Firecrotch: That's Hot

Here's Xine reporting live with the latest 'Firecrotch' news:

Things are getting hot n' heavy in California between Paris Hilton and oil heir Brandon Davis. Brandon has been living with Hilton at her Hollywood Hills home since leaving rehab in July. His family is selling their home, so Brandon’s been shacking up with Paris at her place off the Sunset Strip but the arrangement is reportedly more than temporary. His clothes, toiletries and even some of the artwork he owns are at her place and there is rumor that the two are dating. It has yet to be said whether the relationship is being hushed because Paris just took a vow of abstinence or because Brandon is greasy. While we are also still unsure if Paris has just mistaken Davis for an Elvis impersonator she met in Vegas or if she thinks Davis is the real "fat" Elvis, we can assure you that she still lacks sophistication as evidenced by the video of her doing her best hyena impression while her linguistically challenged counterpart, Davis, repetitiously practiced his catch phrase “Lindsay Lohan is a Firecrotch.” That is all we have at the moment but please stayed tuned for the latest developments.

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I'm Still Hot For Teacher

Remember Debra Lafave--the former teacher/bipolar registered sex offender who molested a 14 year-old boy. She pled guilty to two counts of lewd and lascivious battery and was sentenced to house arrest. Now she’s temporarily allowed off house arrest to go to the Westin Harbour Island Hotel. Why? Because she’s the hottest child molester ever!

Matt Lauer was the ‘lucky’ reporter who beat tons of reporters (even Baba Walters) to get Lafave’s story for a Dateline special set to air in mid-September. Apparently Debra wants to talk about her bipolar illness and the student affair with the country because she hopes it might be beneficial to people when they hear about it. Come again? Puh-leeze... this whole Dateline ordeal is total ratings sexploitation. News…not so much. Debra’s probation officer, probably the only sane person mentioned in this article, didn’t agree to it. A judge and prosecutors did. Court records show prosecutor Michael Sinacore didn’t object because 25-year-old Lafave was not compensated, a condition of her three-year community control. I’m sure it had nothing to do with the gender bias for sex offenders that occurs in today’s judicial system and the fact that she's smokin' hot. Probation officials were okay with the NBC crew going to Lafave’s home, but they required a judge’s approval for the registered sex offender to visit a plush hotel. Most molested kids' lives are ruined after their encounters with predators--this bitch just set his looks department bar pretty high ...although I do admit the crazy bar might need some adjusting at some point in time.
[source]

Birthday ALARM

Actress Barbara Eden is 72.
Actor Richard Sanders is 66.
Actress Shelley Long is 57.
Actor-singer Rick Springfield is 57.
Actor-producer Mark Hudson is 55.
Rock musician Dean DeLeo (Stone Temple Pilots) is 45.
Actor Jay Mohr is 36.
Rock singer Julian Casablancas (The Strokes) is 28.
Basketball player Kobe Bryant is 28.

Pharaoh of Pop

Britney Spears loves her dog “Lacey” so much she wants to follow the example of the ancient Egyptians and be buried with her. The 24-year-old singer-who already has an 11-month-old son, Sean Preston, with husband Kevin Federline-says she can't bear being away from her beloved pet because she misses her so much. She said, "Lacey is just so cute. Mom sometimes looks after her when I'm away but I really miss her." "You know how the Pharaohs used to get buried with things they loved? I want to do that with Lacey. She should be laid to rest with me when the time comes," said Britney. Isn't that the same dog Britney had to give away because her husband said it was him or the dog? [source]

So logistically how does this work – are they just going to save Lacey and throw it’s old, rotten corpse into Britney’s grave in like 60 years? Maybe Britney and Lacey can be buried next to Marilyn Monroe and Paris Hilton's pet goat. Does Britney plan on mummifying Lacey? Maybe when Lacey dies Britney will just bury herself alive. I can see it now – a Britney Spears’ pyramid in Louisiana containing her tomb filled with all the things she loves – her dead dog, flip flops, ripped jeans, Starbucks coffee, chewing gum, trucker caps, ancient “Britney and Kevin 4-ever” hieroglyphics on the wall, greasy hair extensions, some grits and several pieces of really shabby, shabby-chic furniture.

For those who questioned whether this was actually a pic of Jessica Simpson...don't you wish we really still had this problem with Brit? Now the only person we mistake her for is a knocked-up teenager who works part time at Rite Aid to pay for her cigarettes.
Here's the dog: ...and I don't mean the husband or his kid...

Some Things Are Sacred...Like My Daughter's Cash

Lindsay Lohan's father, Michael Lohan, is having a gay old time in prison. Aside from dropping the soap and other known prison activities, prison inmate Michael Lohan is dipping his toe in the shark-infested waters of editorial cartooning. Lindsay Lohan's dad - serving time at the Collins Correctional Facility outside Buffalo - has just sent Lowdown (NY Daily News) an epic drawing depicting his troubled relationship with his famous daughter and the villains who are allegedly driving them apart. In the 46-year-old Lohan's cartoon, these include money-grubbing lawyers with devil's horns, a prison guard, a paparazzo and an Ugg-booted woman who might be Lindsay's mom, "the White Oprah," or her publicist, Leslie Sloane Zelnik. They're all tearing the daughter away from her dear old dad. "Shame on you," declares the Lord Almighty, who's shown glowering and pointing from heaven. "Don't you know that some things are sacred!?!" Also depicted - in see-no-evil, hear-no-evil, speak-no-evil poses - are Lindsay's younger siblings, Michael, Alina and Cody. On the back of the cartoon, the artist has scribbled: "The Spiritual Realities and Physical Elements of the truth behind this whole situation."

In his accompanying handwritten letter, Lohan - who's serving up to four years for drunken driving, contempt of court and beating his brother-in-law bloody with a shoe - discusses his "stupid decisions," his new spirituality, an inspirational book he's written and his intention to help troubled teens through a ministry when he gets out of prison. And he shares his views on a variety of hot topics:

• His daughter: "Lindsay is a talented, loving, blessed and free-spirited person. I believe nothing I read about her unless I hear it from Lindsay herself. And she's always been honest with me."
• Hollywood bigwig James Robinson, who recently scorched Lindsay as a "spoiled child … discourteous, irresponsible and unprofessional" over her unexcused absences from the set of "Georgia Rule": "If Mr. Robinson wrote a letter to her, that is his right. He is a respectable man and I'm sure he felt it as his obligation. … But I do know how things get twisted and I'm sure there is an honest explanation."
• Lindsay's one-time pole-dancing partner, Kate Moss: "While I don't think Kate is the best mentor based on reports, these reports could be twisted. To which, I hope and pray (as it appears) Kate has turned her life around as well."
• Lindsay's boyfriend, Hard Rock Hotel heir Harry Morton: "He appears private, respectable, and my friends in Vegas only have good things to say about him and his family."
• Oil heir Brandon Davis, who repeatedly mocked Lindsay as "firecrotch": "All I can say is that I am happy that God gave me a new way of looking at, and pitying, people like Brandon. I pray for his soul!"

Ok so let's join together and do a psychological anaysis. Ready? Ok. The dude is whack...hopefully he's seeing the prison psychiatrist. This family is just too much. Aside from being good at fighting, family drama, crime, alcohol and drugs, they're also pretty talented excuse makers. I bet Lindsay is going to be pissed that her Daddy didn't draw her skinny enough. Look at those legs. They're huge.

Survivor: Segregation Island

The upcoming Survivor (Cook Islands) debuts on CBS September 14th is reportedly separating the tribes into four "controversal" groups: Black, White, Asian and Hispanic. Insert your stereotypical racial-stereotype joke here: ok so the black group will eat fried chicken, the white group will sit around and sunbathe, the asian group will take pictures and the hispanics will landscape. Seriously, I don't think it's a controversial concept, I think it's an unsophisticated concept. It's about time for Survivor to extinguish it's own torch. [source]

Cold As Ice

Samantha Cole, the singer and Hamptons hoochie best known these days as the one-time paramour of Christie Brinkley's philandering hubby, Peter Cook - got into a catfight at The Plumm the other night. We're told that a young "model type" incurred Cole's wrath when she lingered too long at Cole's table. Samantha shrieked at the model, 'Get away from my table.' "The model said, 'Who are you? The only reason you are known is for being a whore.' Then she picked up a glass of ice from her table and dumped it onto Samantha's lap." Security broke up the spat before it got more interesting. More interesting would've been if this entire incident happened but with Paris Hilton substituted for Samantha Cole. [source]

YOUR 15 MINUTES: Don't Shit Where You Sleep

Newly illegal in Vegas: Sleeping near urine or feces.

The new ordinance makes it illegal to "knowingly establish" sleeping quarters within 500 feet of defecation unless that "deposit" is made in an appropriate sanitary facility. It was passed unanimously by the Las Vegas City Council as part of a bill making it a misdemeanor to go to the bathroom in public. Homeless and civil rights advocates said the ordinance is another attempt by city officials to target the homeless." Seriously, are you kidding me?" asked Lee Rowland, public advocate for the American Civil Liberties Union of Nevada. "I don't know how on earth a police officer would determine whether someone has knowingly set up shop next to" urine or feces. [source]

K-Fed Loses Control at the Teen Choice Awards

Apparently this is "the moment we've all been waiting for”…K-Fed losing control on his debut single. This song makes me want to lose control…of my bladder in the Ferrari Britney bought him. The Federation makes me miss idiots like Vanilla Ice ice baby too cold. He should stick to singing Popozao in their basement…alone…where he belongs. I wonder how many dicks he had to suck to close out this awards ceremony. My boyfriend heard this and was like "what the hell is that?" Then I said, "Kevin Federline trying to rap." Boyfriend: "you're kidding me?" Me: "No why?" Him: "I thought you were shredding something in our paper shredder." Me: "Exactly."

***UPDATE****: It doesn't seem like anyone else liked this either. Here's CNN's review:

Kevin Federline's TV debut as a rapper is getting derided as a not-ready-for-prime-time disaster by critics in cyberspace and the hip-hop community. On Sunday, Federline -- also known has K-Fed and Mr. Britney Spears -- performed his new single "Lose Control" to the peppy crowd at the eighth annual Teen Choice Awards, which aired on Fox. Introduced by his wife, who was dressed in a cleavage-baring mini-dress despite her late pregnancy, Federline stalked about the stage with attitude as he rapped about his bling, popping Cristal (obviously oblivious of the whole hip-hop Cristal boycott) and his amazing rhyming skills. "Don't hate because I'm a superstar! And I'm married to a superstar! Nothin' come between us no matter who you are!" he declared, as dancers pop-locked as his side. It was the most anticipated performance of the night -- and the most ridiculed. By morning, videos of it were splashed on Web sites like YouTube.com and various blogs (like Celebrity Hijinx!!), accompanied by catty comments mocking both Federline and his wife. If the Web world isn't exactly accepting of Federline's rap-star ambitions, the hip-hop community is even less so. Elliot Wilson, editor in chief of XXL magazine, hadn't seen Federline's TV debut. Still, he called it a "YouTube disaster" -- something to be laughed off in hip-hop circles. "I just think we ignore him," Wilson told The Associated Press on Monday. "He's a joke, basically. ... I just don't think he gets it. He doesn't get that he's Britney's man and it's hard to take him seriously." Jermaine Hall, executive editor of King magazine, echoes that sentiment. "The thing that really hurts him is the fact that he's perceived as Britney's husband," Hall, who had yet to see the performance, told the AP. "You know, kinda like Britney's second -- I don't even want to say second in command, but -- he's like the Britney Boy. He's like Mrs. Spears, and it's kinda hard to get over that perception." Federline is expected to release his debut hip-hop album "Playing With Fire" in October. Hall said that despite the barbs K-Fed is getting, he still has a shot at success. "All you can do, is really just keep on plugging," Hall said. "He's definitely going to have a teenage female fan base. So, you know, make songs that cater to them. Keep it clubby, keep it hoppy, keep it happy."

Angelina for Shiseido

I'll buy their makeup if it makes me look like this. Sheer perfection. Oh and by the way, she was like 7-8 months pregnant when they did this shoot.
PS. Rumor has it that Brad and Angie are on the midnight express train to Splitsville. It didn't take her long to kick her Grade A sperm donor to the curb! Read about it here.

I'm Like A Serious Actress

Just a few days ago I told you about Lindsay "taking her career seriously" since that last scathing letter from a producer. I said I didn't believe this whole song and dance. Here is Lindsay taking her career seriously at Rumer Willis' 18th birthday party: Checking for VCR? (visible coke residue)

Stars are Blind and Paris is Obviously Deaf

Here is more delusional, crazy Paris talk:

"People go crazy," the 25-year-old socialite/reality TV star/singer says about her new album. "They love it. Everyone's like, `Who is this?' I don't tell. Because I don't want someone putting their phone up and recording it and making a ring tone off of it. Yeah, I would be so worried about that too. "I think when people don't know it's me, they won't judge it. But if they know it's me, then they'll be like, `Ugh.' They won't even dance." …because then they realize the music is studio-fabricated bullshit. "Paris" the album was set for release Tuesday. Shortly thereafter radio waves are expected to disappear, everyone in the world will simultaneously go deaf and Armageddon will begin. Hilton's breathy, heavily retouched, reggae-infused single, "Stars Are Blind"(click on the link to hear the song and what she sounds like in real life) has climbed to the top of Billboard's dance music chart. Of her album, she says, "I, like, cry, when I listen to it, it's so good." I'd cry too if I were her. Celebrity Hijinx album review: boycott this shit! It should only be sold in Worst Buy stores. Also...Hilton says the baby voice she uses on the reality TV show "The Simple Life" is an act. Doesn't she always say this? "I'm always playing a character," she says. "I don't talk like this really - like a baby. I guess this makes sense in her head. I don't act like myself in public, because I don't really want to show everyone the real me. Because I have no privacy whatsoever, the only thing I have is who I really am." Huh? [source]

Guessing Game...

Which news anchor's boorish behavior forced his network to shell out big bucks to several women so they would drop their sexual harassment claims? He invited the ladies out to dinner - where he often couldn't keep his hands to himself - and then badgered them to come back to his apartment. Now the network is instituting mandatory sexual-harassment-awareness classes.

Keith Olbermann ??? Bill O'Reilly??? Keith Olbermann in a Bill O'Reilly mask???

Which movie-star stud is cowering in the closet? He was spotted last month making out at Cipriani in Venice with a hot piece of man-candy.

Jake Gyllenhaal...George Clooney...I have no idea. Anyone know what famous people were in Italy last month?

Which sexy Latina actress who loves to talk about how much she loves her boyfriend secretly hooked up with an older gent after a recent awards show?

Eva Longoria. What a slut. [source]

Fergie: Dutchess of Fug

Fergie, her drawn-on eyebrows and her repulsive song are at the top of the charts again this week. However her clothing decided to remain at the bottom of a discount bin.

Birthday ALARM

Actress Kim Cattrall is 50.

Singer Kenny Rogers is 68.
Rock-and-roll musician James Burton is 67.
Actress Patty McCormack is 61.
Rock singer Serj Tankian (System of a Down) is 39.
Actress Alicia Witt is 31.
Singer Kelis is 27.
Actor Cody Kasch (Desperate Housewives) is 19.
Actress Hayden Panettiere is 17.

KHARMA chameleon SUCKS

Here are more pics of Boy George cleaning up garbage on the streets of New York. I guess he has a bad metabolism...he can still do coke and stay chubby. So do you think he has Vicks vapor rub in that mask? Just asking.

Celebrity Clone: More Like Celebrity Wannabe

Here's Firecrotch trying to give us her best Rita Hayworth. She is such a fraud. The day she is a true, glamorous silver screen icon is the day I buy a fake designer purse. It won't happen. Why, you ask... A brilliant lady once said, "they had style, they had grace, Rita Hayworth gave good face." Lindsay dresses like she's homeless, she's nicknamed firecrotch and she's covered in freckles...doesn't sound too promising. Lindsay is supposedly "taking her career seriously" since that last scathing letter from a producer. I don’t believe it. We heard this same song and dance after the bout of exhaustion, then the intervention at SNL, then the interview that misconstrued her words about an eating disorder, then the... [source]

Friday Hoff: A Juggling Act

Have you been waiting your whole life to see Hoff simultaneously spin four plates with 4 flaming torches rotating on his head while two people juggle sickles with Hoff standing in between them? You don't have to wait any longer! You can see spectacle right here on Celebrity Hijinx. It starts about 2 minutes into the video clip below. Enjoy.

Pregnant or PMS?

Does the blushing bride have a bun in the oven or is she seriously bloated from all the St. Tropez booze? You be the judge.