Harry Pothead and the Day After Beer Squirts!

Wussup wit all these underage peeps drinking Mexican piss?

Just Plain Shambles

In perhaps the least surprising news of the day, Babyshambles frontman (and former Kate Moss Boy Toy), Pete Doherty, has been arrested AGAIN. But for a little sugar with that spice, some UK pub has also named him "Sexiest Male."

God, they'll take anything in Burberry plaid.

Boy You Musta Gone and Bumped Yo Head!

GEEEEEEEEEEET OUT (LEAVE)... RIGHT NOW!

Anyone that's seen the new trailer for "Aquamarine" is already running as far away from that piece of shit movie as fast as they can!

Joanna "JoJo" Levesque of Foxboro, MA tells our friends at MTV.com about her recent experience transitioning to film. I ask, in order to transition to film, wouldn't she need to be transitioning from something? Like a career in something else? Like as a singer? Does one hit single equal having a career in music, so much so that you would "transition" to film? I digress.

"I've actually been acting since I was 6, doing professional theater and stuff like that in my hometown of Massachusetts," she explained. Can Massachusetts be considered your "hometown?" She's obviously been bitten by the horse's ass fly one too many times.

[source]

Curious!

I'm not exactly sure where these pictures came from, but WOAH.
And I thought the only time I'd see Tyson next to a dude in his underwear would be in a Polo ad... WRONG!

FASHION FIX: A Surpreme Outfit for Anna Nicole

What does a chicken frying', Playboy posing, reality tv mess of a pill poppin' bankrupt stripper wear to a Supreme Court hearing?

A knee-length skirt, black top, wool-ish coat, high heels, a cross necklace and black sunglasses. OMG are those pearl earrings she has on? How DC of her...

Boring, right? She actually looks like she could sorta be a Supreme Court litigant in the first picture. Mob boss' widow (very Scraton, PA/Jersey-ish) in the second. I was hoping she'd look a little more like the picture below and add a little Judge Joe Brown-ish reality drama to our top court:Anna, when faced with the pressures of court (on a mind-numbing dose of painkillers, of course) does what she knows best and loosens the straps on her dress, flashing the justices...except she has Lady Justice pasties covering up her nips. This causes complete turmoil in the courtroom! Just at that moment, a perfectly-timed Bobby Trendy kicks down the door, throws his hideous feather-and-tulle boa over one shoulder and carries Anna Nicole off into the sunset that blinds drivers everyday causing horrific traffic backups in the DC metro area on 395, 495 and 95. Bobby drops her off at the racetracks in West Virginia where she begins headlining a strip club until Howard K. Stern, her lawyer, comes to her rescue (can’t forget the K. or, Jesus forbid, someone might confuse him with the other Jewish Howard Stern, “King of All Media” radio perv.) When Howard sees her hanging upside down from a pole, legs wrapped around it, he realizes “she’s the one” and gets down on one knee to propose. Warrant’s “Cherry Pie” is playing in the background. This, of course, is the most romantic thing that’s ever happened to Anna Nicole and she says “yes”. Anna Nicole Vicki Lynn Marshall Hogan Smith Marshall Stern and Howard K. live happily ever after until a strange turn of events. The Supreme Court rules in Anna’s favor because they couldn’t ignore the fact that although she’s a bimbo, her stepson is a falsifier of documents and that’s just not legal. She then inherits the fortune and moves back to California leaving Howard K. to take care of her son from two or three marriages ago and her dog, Sugar Pie. She spends the rest of her days still NOT being the next Marilyn Monroe but having a hell of a lot of money to do whatever she wants including paying her really dyke-y old assistant, Kim, to be her lover.

Ok that was my daydream for this afternoon. If you want to know what happens in real life stay tuned for a decision...probably sometime this summer.

(Two) Bitches on the Verge Blind Vice

I swear, suits and serious folks can be the biggest babies in this town. Originally, I was going to tell you about certain boardroom types who are having public hissy fits about this whole Clay Aiken threatened class(less) action suit. But I'm so bored with Clay-mate talk that if I have to write about it for another second I'm gonna roll over and let Simon Cowell have his whippin' way with me. Boooring. Just the same, as long as we're on this quasi-S&M trip, we may as well delve into a scandal even more ghoulishly girly than a sexually ambiguous pop star. (Besides, I'm too upset about the cancellation of Love Monkey to talk music right now. And no, I am not kidding.)

Okay, get out the Kleenex. Because whatever you may have done on Valentine's Day, I'm sure you had a peachier time than Ivana Belch. Picture it. One of WeHo's snazziest boutiques. I.B. saunters in looking bloated, like she'd spent the morning crying into her feather bed alone instead of banging pillows against the walls in the throws of passion. A shame, yes, given that I.B. is certainly attached to a dude. But it gets worse."Suddenly, she burst out crying, sobbing really, and went into the dressing room," whispers my stunned shopping source. "It was so sad. You wanted to hug her."Now, you might say to yourself, 'What's the big deal, Ted? So a girl cries in her dressing room, so what? I mean, Kirstie Alley made a comeback out of that."And I, of course, would respond by reminding you of certain glaring, unspeakable circumstances. Ivy is a mega star. She is not Kirstie-size in terms of fame or physique. Plus, need I remind you again? It was Valentine's, and though I don't know Ivana all that well, she sure seems like a gal who would want her man to douse her in chocolate body syrup. Or, you know, just get her some roses. But the bottom line is pretty simple. If you ask moi, dressing rooms are as sacred as bedrooms. And I'm sure I.B. would agree--well, actually, maybe not. I mean, if that were the case, she'd prolly have a nicer wardrobe.

My Guess: Britney is bloated. Her husband is jobless so she's lucky if she got a bouquet of roses. After staying married to KSPED this long she's probably on the verge of a mental breakdown justifying her Valentine's Day dressing room tears. Britney desperately needs the "call Jenny" comeback Kirstie Alley is experiencing. Ivana Belch is a more-than-appropriate name for someone who stuffs her face with endless bags of Cheetos and cans of Red Bull. Britney would probably rather be covered in Hershey's chocolate syrup than try on clothes at boutiques. And finally, Britney spent her V-Day at the Fred Segal store in West Hollywood alone in a TERRIBLE floral/zebra outfit from her ugly wardrobe. The End.
P.S. My other guess was Cameron Diaz because of the S&M reference, girly pop star (JT--at least he used to be super girly), she looks like she'd like the chocolate syrup, and of course, she won that Nickelodeon burping contest at the Kids' Choice Awards or whatever BUT alas, Ms. Diaz was in England for VDay celebrating it with her true love and Britney's I-wish-I-didn't-fuck-that-up love, Justin Timberlake.

Have the FATTEST TUESDAY ever

Happy FAT TUESDAY the wonderful day where flashing boobs not only get you 'Jerry beads,' but mark the start of a Catholic religious season.

Birthday ALARM

Actress Bernadette Peters is 58.

Actor Frank Bonner (WKRP in Cincinnati ) is 64.
Actress Kelly Bishop (Gilmore Girls ) is 62.
Actress Stephanie Beacham (Beverly Hills, 90210,The Colbys ) is 59.
Actress Mercedes Ruehl is 58.
Comedian Gilbert Gottfried is 51.
Actor John Turturro is 49.
Singer Cindy Wilson of The B-52's is 49.
Actress Rae Dawn Chong is 45.
Actor Robert Sean Leonard is 37.
Singer Pat Monahan of Train is 37.
Actor Bobb'e J. Thompson (The Tracy Morgan Show ) is 10.

YOUR 15 MINUTES: Pinot Noir and Porn?

Savanna Samson, real name Natalie Oliveros, is a Vivid Video vixen with over 25 porn movies under her garter belt, two Adult Video News Awards for best actress ( her work with Jenna Jameson in "The New Devil in Miss Jones," a remake of a classic, won last year's award for the best all-girl sex scene) and an aspiring vinter. Yes, that’s right, she’s a porn star who’s an aspiring winemaker.

Natalie wants you to think she’s not your "average porn star”:
She grew up in upstate New York with four sisters. She moved to New York to pursue a career in ballet and when she wasn’t good enough, she went over to Scores to strip for money. There she met her husband, Daniel Oliveros, a Manhattan wine merchant at Scores. He came in with his girlfriend but quickly left her for Natalie. Natalie married him, had a baby, moved to the East Side and somewhere around the time her baby was 8 months old she began her career in porn. She makes six sexually explicit movies a year, and can earn anywhere from $20,000 to upward of $100,000 per film, depending on sales. She said her husband is her toughest critic and her biggest supporter.

On a vacation in Tuscany last year, she said, she was struck by something akin to an existential crisis. "How can I leave a mark on this world?" she asked herself. Apparently a guy’s jizz stain on a bed sheet wasn’t a big enough mark so she decided to make her mark through wine. Her first production, a 2004 vintage of an Italian red wine that she calls Sogno Uno (Dream One), makes its debut this week at wine stores and restaurants in Manhattan. After tasting a young bottle of Sogno Uno at a Paris bistro last fall, wine expert Robert M. Parker gave Natalie’s wine a rating of 90 to 91 or outstanding, a judgment that quickly became the talk of the wine world. Peppe Luele, the owner of La Masseria, said he plans to serve Sogno Uno at his restaurant, where it will sell for $70 to $80 a bottle. Natalie plans to sell Sogno Uno for $38 a bottle. Natalie is aware that porn stars have limited time in the spotlight and that this wine venture is not just for fun but is a potential career once her screen time is over.

I concur with the statement “Savanna Samson/Natalie Oliveros isn’t your average porn star.” She isn’t your average porn star because your average porn star would slap a naked picture of her legs spread wide open onto a bottle of Boone’s Farm-esque wine to be sold at your local 7-11. Your average porn star wouldn’t have an existential crisis in Tuscany. Your average porn star would think she’s already made her mark on the world through her "art". Your average porn star wouldn’t worry about making an honest living once her career is over. I appreciate a not-that-cheap porn star making a not-totally-cheap wine. I also appreciate that she’s using wine as an airbag to save her from a dead-end career....I would appreciate it a little more if her husband wasn’t a wine merchant and they weren’t exploiting her porn career as a gimmick to sell wine. I still give them an A- for creativity and keeping it relatively classy.

[source]

What do Anna Nicole and the Supreme Court have in common?

Nothing…until tomorrow when her multimillion-dollar inheritance will be argued there.

After over 10 years, a failed reality show, some substance abuse a Trim Spa diet and an exposed boobie or two on TV, Anna Nicole Smith is still beating down Lady Justice's door to get those millions of dollars left behind by her dead oil tycoon hubby. She has stamina! Just in case you forgot, here’s the Celebrity Hijinx version of the deal:

Anna Nicole aka Vicki Lynn Hogan White Trash Smith was a divorced mother of one with a resume of frying chicken and dancing naked when she discovered oil at the strip club where she was an employee. She started dating her 80 something-year-old oil billionaire, J. Howard Marshall and in 1994, the rich, demented, practically-on-his-deathbed, senior citizen made her his wife. By this time she was 26 and he was 89. And surprise...He died 14 months after their wedding. His son, Pierce Marshall was the primary beneficiary of his $1.6 billion estate; however, Anna Nicole claimed that after her husband’s death, Pierce destroyed documents related to the assets he designated for her. Anna, the little Beverly Hillbilly is that she is, wants the money and will gladly take the modern-day way of getting rich by suing the hell out of her stepson. They’ve been through a number of lesser-court proceedings paving the way to this little vacation to the Supreme Court...a court that apparently has too much time on its hands.

Here’s what I personally learned from this saga:
First, if you’re 26 and you stumble upon an 89 year-old billionaire and you can actually bring yourself to marry him…for the love of all that is good, get him to draft you up some legal documents regarding your inheritance like way before you go on your retirement village honeymoon. Secondly, if you’re the child of an 89 year-old billionaire who is in failing heath and might be easily taken advantage of by young, beautiful women and you don’t want to lose your inheritance, DO NOT LET YOUR DAD HANG OUT IN STRIP CLUBS. Lastly, Mom you were totally wrong -- it’s completely possible to get by on looks alone and you CAN be a millionaire without a college degree so as I sit here with over a master's degree worth of college debt, I hold you responsible for misleading me into thinking I couldn't get anywhere with just my pretty face. ...and yes I'm completely aware that I just killed my point by using Anna Nicole's life as an example to prove it.

[source] [picture credit]

I Admit, I Cried...

The next time you go to teabag someone, remember this...

If you can't beat 'em, sue 'em...

In case you’re feeling extra homophobic and hateful this beautiful Monday morning, you can join a group filing a formal complaint with the Federal Trade Commission over the promotional practices of Clay Aiken’s record label including charges of false advertising and misrepresentation after Clay’s image was promoted as “not gay” and he now allegedly boned some military man. A spokesman for the group, which is probably made up of three hostile, money-hungry, hypocritical, Christian extremists from the Midwest, said, "As consumers, we feel ripped off. It is obvious now that the private Clay is very different from the manufactured, packaged public Clay who was marketed to us."

I’m just wondering what apparition they were seeing because ever since Clay Aiken came in second place during the second season of American Idol, I’ve been seeing a nerdy, red-headed gay boy who probably likes bottom (although his lover now says he’s a top) and sings about being invisible and watching you in your room (last time I checked those are the words of a stalker). I learn something new everyday though because up until today I didn’t realize the Bible said that a record label needs to advertise sexual orientation of their singers and that Jesus wants the Christians to file class action lawsuits against people who are maybe-gay and have a private life different than their public life.

It's like these people have never seen a maybe-gay person before and they don't know what to do with it:

One day the Clay Aiken record came to a screeching halt as rumors of Clay Aiken being gay came through the hate filter on their Christian computer. Since they couldn't find Clay to tar and feather him and burning his two cds, tour t-shirt and Christmas video in the backyard didn't make much of a statement, they figured "why not profit from our intolerance? Maybe we can get a new mini-van." They decided to gather thy hateful neighbor and sue his record company for not telling them he might be gay.

I wonder if they realize he's not the first American entertainer to possibly be gay and not tell the public. Maybe this group can start retroactively suing all of the rumored gay entertainers of the past putting into motion one of the largest entertainment lawsuits in American history. Then the lawyers' fees would dry up their hate-monger funds and keep them out of their secret-fundamentalist-Christian-terrorist training...oops...I mean "extremist church camp" making the world a little less hateful. [source]

Dancing with the Tards!

Well, Drew Lachey, best known as Jessica Simpson's ex-brother-in-law, pranced his tiny little self to victory in ABC's Dancing with the Stars. And no, they don't even see the irony in "Stars."

Good on him, we at CH say. Somebody needs to take care of Nick in the style to which he is accustomed.

Ever Wonder How They Look So Damn Good?

Click here to see the MAGIC of airbrushing!

This shit is criz-a-zy.

George Michael tries desperately to keep his name in the news!

British singer George Michael was arrested on Sunday on suspicion of possessing drugs after he was found slumped in a car in central London, a police source said. Michael, 42, who has sold more than 80 million records worldwide during a 25-year career, was arrested in the Hyde Park area of the capital early on Sunday, the source said. A London police spokesman issued a statement saying a 42-year-old man had been held on suspicion of possessing Class C drugs, a group in British law that includes cannabis, tranquillizers and some painkillers. [source]

What else is George Michael supposed to do right about now? He's 42 so he's clearly too old for cocaine and just the right age for painkillers and tranquillizers. He's already had a career with his band, WHAM!, which was like decades ago. The he had that solo career which did rather well, making him one of the ten richest musicians in England or something. Even Princess Diana wanted his sex and she almost got it on a boat in St. Tropez...but then she died so that royal relationship never worked out. Shortly thereafter he engaged in that whole "lewd act" in the public bathroom thing. Then he told everyone he was gay--SURPRISE! like we couldn't tell when he was jitterbugging into our brain back in 1984. I was like four and didn't even know what gay was but I still knew he was gay. Somewhere along the line he had some surgery making him look a little more David Gest-ish rather than that special someone you wanted to wake up before you go go. He was supposed to get married last year to Kenny Goss but then that didn't work out for one reason or another so he ending up slumped over in a car this weekend with some weed, painkillers and tranquillizers. This seems just about right if he's feels it's time to do some kind of drug-induced public humiliation thing.

Birthday ALARM

Actress Elizabeth Taylor is 74.

Actress Joanne Woodward is 76.
Guitarist Neal Schon of Journey is 52.
Guitarist Adrian Smith of Iron Maiden is 49.
Actor Adam Baldwin is 44.
Singer Johnny Van Zant of Lynyrd Skynyrd is 46.
Actor Grant Show (Melrose Place) is 44.
Actor Donal Logue (Grounded for Life) is 40.
Singer Chilli of TLC is 35.
R&B singer Roderick Clark (Hi-Five) is 33.
Singer Josh Groban is 25.

Fashion Fix: I Guess U Can Design Too!

Apparently, being famous makes you A) Smarter, B) Like Way Smarter, and C) Able to design clothing. Everyone from Jessica Alba to Milla Jovovich to JLo and Elizabeth Hurley are designing clothing now. Just Thursday, Nicky Hilton revealed her new line, "Chick" at the Light nightclub at the Bellagio in Las Vegas, Nevada.

This past Tuesday, Actress Jaime Pressly waved to the crowd after a fashion show unvelling her new J'aime clothing line at the Pure Nightclub at Ceasars Palace in Las Vegas as well.

Here's Nelly, who recently announced that he'd be "expanding" his Apple Bottom clothing line, geared to women with ample back sides, AKA Big Booty Hoes.

Britney Catches Kevin in His Man-Panties at Shar's

Celebrity Hijinx is reporting that the National Ledger is reporting that the National Enquirer knows that Britney caught Kevin in his panties at Shar Jackson's house. It's like an old-school Ricki Lake episode and high school gossip brought to you via a game of tabloid 'telephone'.

The story goes a little something like this: Kevin went to visit his "other" kids at Shar's house. Britney tried to call him on his cell phone. When he didn't answer she became suspicious, went into psycho-mode, drove her luxury vehicle over to Shar "I'm famous for Moesha, Britney Spears stealing my man and making weekly comments to US Weekly" Jackson's house...er...um...probably ghetto apartment... and busted in catching Kevin chilling out sans all of the clothing items that go over your underwear. I wouldn't be surprised if she found him on the couch, drinking beer from a can with his hands down his pants.

What was Kevin's excuse: One of the chillin' threw up on his clothes and Shar was washing them for him. Honestly, that must've been some serious projectile vomit to get past his baggy ass shirts and make it to his baggy ass pants. ...I wonder if he had his socks on since he even wears them with flip flops...

Kevin reportedly frantically chased his meal ticket all the way home to their (probably not for long) Malibu mans and eventually convinced her she had overreacted. Just from watching my fair share of Jerry Springer, Passions, Maury and Jenny Jones(those were the days) I'm sure the rest of the story goes like this: Then she freaked out, called her family and friends screaming about what an asshole he is, decided to take him back later that night, smiled, had sex with him for two hours and went back to being miserable...all while using the baby as leverage and making snide comments about Shar. Typical WT. Poor Sean Preston. My how the seasons change...it wasn't too long ago Shar was the pregnant one and Kevin was cheating on her with Britney.

[picture credit]

Pretty Little Things

Oh, happy day. Natalie Portman and Gael Garcia Bernal have rekindled their love. Aren't they just the cutest little couple ever? Like two tiny little dolls, who one day will have tiny little doll babies and raise them in a tiny little mansion in Malibu.

Personally, I'd like to see them both make out with Diego Luna, like GGB did in "Y Tu Mama Tambien."

Is she or Isn't she?

Pregnancy is the new black in Hollywood. We've heard the rumors, but now it looks like Britney has another bun in the oven. Either that, or she's had too many Tater Tot casseroles.



Aw, she's such a good mom.

When she's not endangering SPF, she's ignoring him. Good thing the Nanny's prettier than she is. I hope she's saving her millions for his psycho-therapy bills. . .

YOUR 15 MINUTES: Tranny for Parliament

The man formerly known as Wladimiro Guadagno, the organizer of Italy’s gay pride parades and star of an upcoming film (playing a Neopolitan transvestite who enters politics), wants to be taken serious…as a real-life politician for Italy’s main communist party. Vladimir Luxuria, as this transgender drag queen likes to be called, is ditching her feather boas and cabaret costumes for pantsuits and politics. If she wins a seat in April’s election, which she’s almost guaranteed to do, she will be the first transgender to get into Parliament in Europe. Luxuria is quoted as saying “It’s a way to say to people: don’t judge me by the way I look, don’t judge me by my sexual orientation. Please, judge me by my ideas. Parliament is not a theatre, it’s not a discotheque. It’s already revolutionary that a transgender gets into parliament. It wouldn’t be useful to provoke in such a stupid way.” Luxuria will be working to establish full legal recognition of civil unions for homosexual couples.

Although members of the government’s Northern League party frequently speak out about what they see as a treat posed by “faggots” (their word, not mine). Luxuria jokes that she already has something in common with the current government -- Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, wears lifts on his shoes to make him appear taller. She says, “He wears make-up, like me, maybe a little bit less but he does. He wears heels, so sometimes, at least aesthetically we have more in common than he would think.” (…ahhh, grasshopper, it’s not that easy. Somehow conservative man wearing high heels and makeup is much easier for conservative society to handle than liberal man dressing like woman in heels and makeup.)

For just one second I wish she’d ditch that orange suit, throw on some sequins and a bouffant wig and sashay around Parliament with her own version of Right Said Fred’s “I’m Too Sexy” playing in the background. “And I'm too sexy for Milan too sexy for Milan, New York and Japan. And I'm too sexy for your Northern League party. Too sexy for your Northern League party. No way I'm disco dancing! I'm a politician you know what I mean and I give my little vote in the parliament.” Ok I'm getting carried away... no transgender commie jokes here, I think it’s refreshing to see someone a little different than the traditional suit-and-tie politician legitimately try to make a difference. At least she’s not pulling a Mary Carey, the porn star who ran for California’s governor. Her platform consisted of deep, social/political issues such as taxing breast implants, making lap dances tax deductible and wiring the governors mansion with live webcams. If I were an Italian communist in her jurisdiction I’d vote vote vote for Luxuria! That just sounds fabulous. “Vote for Luxuria.” "Luxuria for Parliament" …I’m sure it sounds even more fabulous in Italian.
[source]

That Eva Longoria - she's a classy one I tell ya...

Here's ANOTHER classless vibrator quote from Eva Longoria:

"After I spoke openly about vibrators I literally got boxes and boxes of free sex toys sent to me. So I was constantly giving them away."

Then she thinks "oh shit, I just revealed that I've been giving away freebee vibrators to all of my friends for their birthdays. They're going to think I'm a cheap ass."

Then she says: "Even before that I'd give them to girlfriends for their birthdays and they'd be so excited."

I just love that this Desperate Housewhore MADE HERSELF the poster child for sex toys. She's like that girl in high school who desperately craved attention from the guys so she'd be vulgar and talk about sex all the time. I know you know who I'm talking about.

From Miss Corpus Christi USA to Miss Vibrator USA. I bet her parents are proud.

Shocking Paternity Tests

Winner of the GAYEST MAGAZINE EVER!

The Daily News Record (DNR) released some really interesting research that suggests that the GAYEST MAGAZINE EVER is... GQ magazine! Look below for some FASCINATING demographics!!

"The study only includes titles with certain circulation levels (eliminating Details), and does not include gay-interest titles like Out." funny - the only magazine i even subscribe to is Details! HA

Gayest

1. GQ, 10.39% of male readers are gay/bi
2. Entertainment Weekly, 10.35%
3. TV Guide, 5.46%
4. People, 5.1%
5. Newsweek, 4.74% (tie)
6. Time, 4.74% (tie)
7. Men’s Health, 4.68%
8. National Geographic, 4.1% (WTF)
9. Consumer Reports, 3.96%
10. U.S. News, 3.9%

Straightest

1. North American Hunter, 99.9% of male readers are straight (i'm shocked)
2. North American Fisherman, 99.5%
3. Four Wheeler, 99.45%
4. Guns & Ammo, 99.43%
5. Sporting News, 99.41%
6. American Rifleman, 99.37%
7. Cycle World, 99.25%
8. Stuff, 99.23% (tie)
9. Field & Stream, 99.23 (tie) (this has got to be a mistake!)
10. Midwest Living, 99.23 (tie)

Well if this story doesn't uphold some major stereotypes, I don't know what does! Whatever, I don't care. I'm still not gonna read any of these dumbass magazines anyway!

[source]

I got the gold medal in 'not falling'...

Drrrr-ama! Apparently all you had to do to win a women's figure skating gold medal was NOT FALL on your tiny, muscular, ice skater butt. Even Irina "I'm-so-glad-I-don't-have-your-last-name" Slutskaya, the world's number one skater, surprisingly wiped out and did a weakly-finished performance for a piece of bronze. Sasha Cohen fell on her first TWO jumps but managed to complete a fabulous performance for a silver medal. A Japanese girl and the number 9 skater in the world, Shizuka Arakawa (who should've received a gold medal for "best costume") did an ultra-conservative performance and managed to NOT fall for the gold. I'm almost sorry I stayed up until midnight watching this. I give them credit though. The closest I'll ever get to a silver or gold medal is by buying myself some jewelry.

Birthday ALARM

Actor Billy Zane is 40.

Actor James Farentino is 68.
Actor Barry Bostwick is 61.
Singer-producer Rupert Holmes is 59.
Actor Edward James Olmos is 59.
Actress Helen Shaver is 55.
Country singer Sammy Kershaw is 48.
Singer Michelle Shocked is 44.
Actress Bonnie Somerville (NYPD Blue) is 32.
R&B singer Brandon Brown of Mista is 23.

Renfro G-U-I-L-T-Y

Honest to God, I've had two dreams lately with Brad Renfro... who the hell knows why? All I know is I found out today that he plead guilty to attempted possession of heroin stemming from his December arrest in LA. He's been in drug rehap since right after his arrest, and today was given three years probations with an 18 month suspended sentence (that's how long dude goes to jail if he violates his probation!!! SUCKA) He has to do some other rehabilitation program with his sentence too.

That's totally BEAT! [source]

Because "Chubby Shady" just doesn't have that ring to it...

Earlier in the month we brought you Eminem straight from his SuperBowl party where he showed off his big-old-dooky booty and introduced his new adolescent-butch-lesbian-gangsta look. The honeymoon may not be over yet with his re-wife Kim but the honeymoon is totally over when it comes to Em's weight gain. He apparently took one look at himself at the Grammy awards (and probably this picture of his BEE-hind) and decided he doesn't quite look like he used to and he should probably do something about it. He thinks he's fat. I just think something feminine happened to his face.

It's now rumored that he's paying $15,000 to the same trainer who's also trying desperately to return Janet Jackson to a fraction of the woman she currently is. While Janet needs to slim down before her record company will release her next album, I'm sure Eminem is just trying to make sure his nickname "Slim Shady" doesn't become ironic and his wife doesn't leave him again.

Nothing is wrong with a few post-marriage pounds but he really does need to hire someone to turn him back into a man. STAT. Once that happens I'm sure this whole re-marriage thing will work out just fine. The real slim shady vs. the really pudgy slim shady:

Can't Get Enough Madge

She's all over the place! Below... it's the ATTACK OF THE ELLE COVERS!!!!!!!!!!

Madonna's recent photos by Gilles Bensimon are now officially arriving in the United Kingdom as well. After being on the cover of several edition of ELLE magazine around the globe, the Queen of pop will be gracing the cover of the March issue of ELLE UK.

Here is the brand new Elle Serbia with Madonna on the cover - it's the February 2006 issue of the magazine.

This time it's the turn of the Dutch version of the magazine, that uses for the first time as a cover the picture above that was premiered by the American version of the mag a few days before.

The latest issue of Russian "Elle" with Madonna on the cover reached Italy on Feb. 14th.

La La Lohan

Miss Lohan has been rumored to have been with, oh I dunno, approximately 2,763 men in the past few months... most recently, Olympic Gold metalist Shaun White, AND AND AND, Jonathan Rhys Meyers. Honest to Pete, who has the time to be off galavanting around with all of Hollywood's A-listers and the likes? I can't find the time to cook myself a decent meal after a hard day's work, let alone rub weiners with all of Tinseltown! She's also been linked to Colin Farrell, Joaquin Phoenix, Jude Law, Wilmer Valderrama, Jared Leto, Keanu Reeves, Ryan Adams, and Benicio Del Toro. PHEW!!!!! This bitch can get around!

Johnny Weir is Queen of the World!

In case you haven't already met him, let me introduce you to US Olympic figure skater Johnny Weir. He’s 21, was born in Pennsylvania, grew up in Delaware, started figure skating at the late age of 12, sometimes says he's bisexual, has two Chihuahuas and is becoming famous for his wild costumes and even wilder comments. He’s flamboyant, ridiculous and says all those things you know male figure skaters are really thinking...and you’ve been waiting your lifetime to hear them say it. Below are some of Johnny's wonderful quotes.

Weirisms: (WEER-is-ums): totally inappropriate and hysterical statements by fagtabulous Olympic figure skater Johnny Weir.

On himself: "I'm not Jesus. I'm not for everyone. I'm not the establishment. Republican types probably don't like me."

On his costumes: "Care bears on acid” and "an icicle on coke"

On himself again: “ I'm an artiste.”

On his competitor: "They kind of sat back and had their cognac and cigarettes. His (Bradley’s audience response) was more like a vodka-shot-let’s-snort-coke kind of experience. "

On the weirdo red glove he wears: "His name is Camille – two l’s. I think he’s my evil side. When I skate badly, I blame it on my glove.”

On his room in the Olympic Village: ''I'm very princessy as far as travel is concerned, having a nice room and things like that. I hate carrying my own luggage. I hate trekking up stairs. I like a nice bed to be laid out for me, so it's not any of that. It's a little dusty, very under-decorated, the beds aren't very soft. But I'm enjoying it. I'm roughing it. It's the same thing as me going out into the woods."

On his room again: "It's very cramped and dirty. No matter how many times they mop it, and I've mopped it myself, it still feels dirty."

On his hair: ''My hair looks like this because there's very poor lighting in the [Athletes'] Village bathroom. Usually, I slick it back and I'm very professional.

On how preparing for his competition: "I slept for about five hours, then I got up and did my hair and put on my fake face."

On being an athelete: "I don't like to be called a jock. That makes me think of spandex-covered football players. It's not me. I'm in rhinestones and velvet, not spandex."

On his guilty pleasures: "Cocaine... I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Guilty pleasures -- I love a good steak. I love maxing out credit cards. I feel good when I do that."

On his mom's reaction to him being on the Olympic team: "My mom is getting drunk already."

On tanning: "Make sure you wear the hairnet. And make sure you don't shower for two and a half hours, not three. 'Cause three, for some reason, it sticks a little harder. But I've been doing the lay-down tanning bed, and where my butt cheeks push together there's a white triangle because it never gets tan."

On attempting the quadruple toe loop: "Well if I wake up and feel horrible, looking like Nick Nolte's mug shot, in that case, there's no quad."

On fur: "I love beautiful things, and if it means having a fur coat or diamonds -- or even if I want to wear a tiara someday -- then that's just the way it's going to be...I don't think PETA will ever realize that wearing fur is fabulous. But for now I think it is."

On fur again: (a reporter said he wore a boa) "That was a scarf, not a boa -- dead chinchilla, not feathers."

On the boa: "...all of a sudden I was causing a stir because I was wearing a chinchilla scarf that someone thought was a boa. First of all, boas are so out. Secondly, I would never wear a boa to a press conference."

More fur: Weir said fragrance giant Chanel or "something in high fashion, like a fur company" would fit best for an endorsement deal. "I'm not worried about PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals). The first time I see a chinchilla wearing a person, I'll stop wearing fur.

On designer knockoffs: "It hurts my feelings."

On coming back to win the short program: “You're feeling like the lowest scum in the pond two hours ago, and go to the prettiest flower in the pond.”

On Chinese skater Zhang Dan, a woman who fell horribly in the pairs competition: "That girl. I would buy her diamonds if I could afford it. I have no idea how she got up. It seemed like the type of fall that could render someone unable to have children."

On his performance: "It's over, it's done. It's Valentine's Day, and I can go out and buy myself a rose and some chocolate."

His purchases in Italy (probably not the most recent list): five pairs of shoes, a pair of rabbit fur hand warmers, a Dolce & Gabbana hoodie he says reads "Sex trainer: Best to practice seven days a week," and a sable scarf that was supposed to be $715 but was instead $415 because he spoke French with the saleslady.

On religion: He says he's been obsessed with the Holocaust since he was little and considers himself "a little bit" Jewish, although he isn't, not technically. He says he's had his past lives read and found out that most recently he was a Jewish girl from Poland during World War II.

On the twisted spoon he keeps in his Louis Vuitton purse: “It's mystical," he says. "There are powers in it." Just in case you were wondering he also has the following items inside the purse: a Louis Vuitton camera bag and a cell phone with three fur tails hanging off it (one beaver, two mink). There is also a Gucci change purse. He also has: nearly 40 pieces of Louis Vuitton luggage. A Louis Vuitton hatbox and a Louis Vuitton mini steamer trunk, and a Louis Vuitton doggy carrying case, which his dog did not like ("he peed in it"), so Johnny returned it and got another bag for himself.

I really like this guy. I have a sneaking suspicion that if Johnny Weir knew me in real life we’d be BFF. I don’t even need to make any comments about this because he makes them all for me.

Cheers!

This here is Jesse McCartney, 18 year-old singer/teen idol who was photographed on Saturday night at club Mood, drinking what looks like a Corona. I'm having a hard time with this... first, he's 18, thinking he's cool enough to hang with the older crowd, then he's going to risk being caught drinking underage by drinking beer from a bottle, and to top things off, he's drinking Corona? I'll slap a bitch!

Apparently, Mood is known for hosting underage celebrity drinking. A whole host of underage stars have been seen coming and going from Mood - 19-year-old Mary-Kate Olsen, 19-year-old Lindsay Lohan, and 20-year-old Frankie Muniz. Beats what I had to do in order to drink underage... drinking beer in the back woods of Western Pennsylvania around a bonfire. FUN

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Birthday ALARM

Actress Kristin Davis (Sex and the City) is 41.

Actor-director Peter Fonda is 66.
Musician Johnny Winter is 62.
Actress Patricia Richardson is 55.
Guitarist Brad Whitford of Aerosmith is 54.
Guitarist Michael Wilton of Queensryche is 44.
Actor Marc Price (Family Ties') is 38.
Bassist Jeff Beres of Sister Hazel is 35.
Guitarist-keyboardist Lasse Johansson of the Cardigans is 33.
Actress Dakota Fanning (The Cat in the Hat, I Am Sam) is 12.

Moose Knuckle!

Camel toe sisters seperated at birth? You be the judge.