YOUR 15 MINUTES: Tattoo (fuck) You

This guy deserves his 15 minutes because he’s going to have this tattoo for the rest of his life. Fortunately, he’s in jail for robbery and assault. Unfortunately, he’s 20 years old. This means that unless he OD’s or some shit he could be gracing our society (and prisons) for the next 40+ years. I wonder whom this Kenna person is he speaks of on his neck. I wonder if the real message is “fuck you Kenna” but he just ran out of room on his face.

P.S. You know...I'm often referred to in my inner-circle as a connoisseur o’ brow since I have an extremely heightened level of eyebrow-consciousness. I can tell you that as the connoisseur o’ brow I’ve seen many’a tattooed eyebrow but never such blatant abuse of the brow—it takes a very no-so-vain person to replace their eyebrows with a big ole “fuck you.” Although now that I see it, this is sorta what I was referring to the other day when I suggested just tattooing “trailer trash” on Sean Preston Federline’s forehead to spare him the pain of having people find out on their own.

[source]

Brad Pitt is Social Tofu

We're all quite aware of the beauty that is Brad Pitt. Anyone, and I mean ANYONE that's seen Fight Club knows that beauty like that is rare... bodies like that are rare, and dude is SMOKIN'!!!

Here's the strange part: the dude always looks like the chicks he's dating. On tha real tho, wuss up wit dat?

For example, let's take a look at a picture of Pitt with then girlfriend Juliette Lewis. This chick is whack! Ok, she's a good actress, but damn, she ate one too many apples from the crazy tree. They're both sportin' a bohemian-lets-smoke-some-chronic look...

Then, I think we all remember when Brad Pitt started looking decidedly more feminine while dating then girlfriend, Gwyneth Paltrow. They look like brother and sister... PUKE!

And... how could we forget the perfect union of perfection meets perfection when Brad and Jen did wed? Same hair stylist? You be the judge...

Moving along... the most recently stolen identity is that of his pregnant girlfriend, Angelina Jolie. This dude not only want to be a world peace ambassador like Jolie, but he wants to wear her clothes, her sunglasses, and have the same color hair. DUDE, GET UR OWN PERSONALITY. He's like social tofu... absorbing all the flavors around him.

I'd still hit it.

[source]

HOhan's Lost her Diary

The press has been warned not to publish ANYTHING from Ms. HOhan's diary. It appears as though she lost her diary sometime last week, and it was returned to the 19-year-old with pages missing. She was apparently out at the Maritime Hotel partying with friends when she dropped her little black book.

Isn't it ironic, don't you think... now we get the real Confessions of a DRAMA QUEEN right from the horse's (i'm not sayin' she looks like a horse... the winner of that contest was Hillary Duff) mouth.

[source]

Mimi emancipated herself right into portliness

Poor Mariah. It looks like she spent about 45 minutes sucking in her stomach while pulling on the zipper (with a hanger) to squeeze into that thing that she considers a mini dress but most people would refer to as lingerie. What she really needs is someone to enroll her ass in Bally's 30-day fitness challenge (STAT) and find herself a nice, gay friend who will tell her that her ass looks like a big, old, lumpy bowl of cottage cheese. Then she needs to fire her Jack Russell terrier as her stylist and hire someone who will put her in a burkha or muumuu or something to that effect until she can shape up enough to once again wear lingerie out in public.

Birthday ALARM

Singer Justin Timberlake is 25.

Singer Harry Wayne Casey of KC and the Sunshine Band is 55.
Singer Johnny Rotten of the Sex Pistols is 50.
Actor Anthony LaPaglia (Without a Trace) is 47.
Actress Kelly Lynch is 47.
Actor John Dye (Touched by an Angel) is 43.
Bassist Al Jaworski of Jesus Jones is 40.
Actress Minnie Driver is 35.
Actress Portia de Rossi (Arrested Development, Ally McBeal) is 33.

And the Oscar goes to...

I have a few comments on this. Things must be really nice over in the Ledger/Williams household. Can you imagine what it would be like if one of them lost and one of them won? Oh well, at least they'll both get "Academy Award Nominated Actor/Actress" in front of their name until the end of time. Speaking of which, the same thing will happen with Keira Knightley. They must've had a shortage of Best Actresses this year because all she does is stand around and pout. I can do that....especially for a golden statue. I'm voting for Felicity Huffman for Best Actress so she can show the rest of those Desperate Housewhores what a real actress is...but if she doesn't get it my second place vote goes to Reese.

Best Actor
Philip Seymour Hoffman, Capote
Heath Ledger, Brokeback Mountain
Joaquin Phoenix, Walk the Line
David Strathairn, Good Night and Good Luck
Terrence Howard, Hustle & FlowBest

Actress
Felicity Huffman, Transamerica
Reese Witherspoon, Walk the Line
Charlize Theron, North Country
Judi Dench, Mrs. Henderson Presents
Keira Knightley, Pride & Prejudice

Best Supporting Actor
George Clooney, Syriana
Jake Gyllenhaal, Brokeback Mountain
Matt Dillon, Crash
Paul Giamatti, Cinderella Man
William Hurt, A History of Violence

Best Supporting Actress
Michelle Williams, Brokeback Mountain
Rachel Weisz, The Constant Gardner
Amy Adams, Junebug
Frances McDormand, North Country
Catherine Keener, Capote

Best Picture
Brokeback Mountain
Good Night and Good Luck
Capote
Crash
Munich

Best Director
Ang Lee, Brokeback Mountain
George Clooney, Good Night and Good Luck
Steven Spielberg, Munich
Paul Haggis, Crash
Bennet Miller, Capote

Awwww....Lizzie Grubman's Going To Have A Starter Marriage

Lizzie Grubman is getting married. I’m not sure how I feel about this. I’m just glad I’m not the guy and I really hope she does something with those eyebrows before the wedding.

Chris Stern, Sean John marketing executive, presented a large diamond to his new fiancée only after asking for her father’s permission first. Chris wasn’t always so gentlemanly though – he used to be married to Joyce Sevilla, an employee of Grubman, who discovered her husband was sleeping with Grubman after READING ABOUT IT IN PAGE SIX last year. Needless to say, Joyce bailed and found herself a new boss.

Lizzie is no stranger to married men. Pre-Stern stealin’ she was dating married, convicted felon Jeff Tognetti and found out shortly before her DUI prison term (for famously plowing down “white trash” with her SUV in the Hamptons) that he wasn’t going to leave his wife for her. Stern and Grubman are next door neighbors and will be knocking down a wall or two to make a giant apartment. If anything this sounds like a great real estate investment.

...and today's Lizzie's birthday. Happy Birthday Lizzie.
[source]

Bounce That Big Black Juicy Bootie

HOLY ASS, BATMAN!

This bitch got back. Thing is, I know they make jeans to fit asses like that. Shit, I know all about Apple Bottom Jeans. Perhaps if one of you out there knows Serena Williams personally, you could write the web address for Apple Bottom Jeans on a napkin or something and put it in her ASS crack for safe keeping. Girl, whatchu gonn do with all that ass, all that ass, inside them jeans? I'mma make make make make you SCREAM, MAKE YOU SCREAM, MAKE YOU SCREAM!

[source]

KSped is a Genius

Ok, so today is officially Britney/KSped day here on Celebrity Hijinx. Don't hate. It's what's up!

Here is further evidence of the genius that is KSPED!

Take a look...

Britney's dad says 'let’s blow this popsicle stand'

Apparently Mr. Spears (the real one, not Britney’s hubby) is closing down shop after his business, JJ Chill, couldn’t get their milkshakes to bring all the residents of Venice Beach to the yard (once the weather cooled down). JJ Chill had been in business for about a year and served a variety of food from po’boys to smoothies.

By the way Britney’s been looking lately, I’m sure she could’ve kept him in business a little longer. You know she eats like 20 po’boys and 15 smoothies a day.

There must be some kind of curse on Britney’s men. It’s like she has the anti-midas touch. All of their business ventures turn to shit.

[source]

Razzle Dazzle

Here are this year's Razzie nominations.

I haven't seen most of these movies because I try not to waste my money on things that look like crap. However, I was on a flight to Las Vegas a few months ago and my ipod battery was dead so I checked out the in-flight movie for a bit. It happened to be Bewitched and I was definitely happy to be seated in an exit row because if that movie went on for one more minute I was going exit stage right and keep my fingers crossed that my sweater might work out as a parachute.


Worst Actress
Jessica Alba – Fantastic Four and Into the Blue
Hilary Duff – Cheaper by the Dozen 2 and The Perfect Man
Jennifer Lopez – Monster in Law
Jenny McCarthy – Dirty Love
Tara Reid – Alone in the Dark

Worst Actor
Tom Cruise – War of the Worlds
Will Ferrell – Bewitched and Kicking & Screaming
Jamie Kennedy– Son of the Mask
The Rock– Doom
Rob Schneider – Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo

Worst Supporting Actress
Carmen Electra – Dirty Love
Paris Hilton – House of Wax
Katie Holmes – Batman Begins
Ashlee Simpson – Undiscovered
Jessica Simpson – Dukes of Hazzard

Worst Supporting Actor
Hayden Christensen – Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith
Alan Cumming – Son of the Mask
Bob Hoskins – Son of the Mask
Eugene Levy – Cheaper by the Dozen 2 and The Man
Burt Reynolds – Dukes of Hazzard and The Longest Yard

Worst Picture
Deuce Bigelow: European Gigolo
Dirty Love
Dukes of Hazzard
House of Wax
Son of the Mask

Worst Screen Couple
Will Ferrell and Nicole Kidman, Bewitched
Jamie Kennedy and Anybody Stuck Sharing the Screen with Him, Son of the Mask
Jenny McCarthy and Anyone Dumb Enough to Befriend Her, Dirty Love
Rob Schneider and His Diapers, Deuce Bigelow: European Gigolo
Jessica Simpson and Her Daisy Dukes, Dukes of Hazzard

Worst Remake or Sequel
Bewitched
Deuce Bigelow: European Gigolo
Dukes of Hazzard
House of Wax
Son of the Mask

Worst Director
John Asher, Dirty Love
Ewe Boll, Alone in the Dark
Jay Chandrasekhar, Dukes of Hazzard
Nora Ephron, Bewitched
Lawrence Gutterman, Son of the Mask

Worst Screenplay
Bewitched
Deuce Bigelow: European Gigolo
Dirty Love
Dukes of Hazzard
Son of the Mask

Most Tiresome Tabloid Targets
Tom Cruise and His Anti-Psychiatry Rant
Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Oprah Winfrey's Couch, The Eiffel Tower & Tom's Baby
Paris Hilton...and whoever
Mr. & Mrs. Britney, Their Baby & Their Camcorder
The Simpsons: Ashlee, Jessica & Nick

Britney Will Chase You Down

Britney Spears apparently went crazy and drove off in a frantic car chase after her trashtastic hubby Kevin when she learned he had taken their son to get his ears pierced. She took off in one car and sent three other security guards on different routes to catch up with KSPED. Britney was apparently afraid that baby Sean would look like a girl or ‘trailer trash’ if he had his ears pierced.

Federline once again wins the 'dad of the year' award because the baby hasn't even had his tetanus shot so it's too early for him to get his ears pierced.

If Britney was so worried about Sean looking like trailer trash she should’ve picked a different husband…or not had a baby at all because with parents like that, they might as well just tattoo “trailer trash” across the kid’s forehead.

[source]

Blow-han better have a damn good Blue Cross policy

Lindsay Blow-han needs hire a personal ambulance driver because that bitch goes to the hospital like once a week. Apparently Lindsay was hanging out at Bryan Adams’ mansion in London and she slipped on some stairs and cut her shin. Sounds simple enough, right? Well here’s the story her mom told the press:

"She and her friends were preparing breakfast, with eggs and everything, and Lindsay was going up the stairs, carrying a ceramic teacup," Dina explains to Star. "She had just come out of the shower so she was still wet and had some lotion on, and she completely flipped on the stairs since it was slippery. The teacup went flying, it was shattered, and one of the pieces cut Lindsay in her shin. It was an accident.”

Wow Dina…that’s a lot of explaining for one little accident and that story just doesn’t add up. Don’t people normally dry off after the shower and then make breakfast? Doesn’t the lotion go on after you dry? A piece of a teacup can cause you to get ten stitches? What 19 year-old hangs out with Bryan Adams? Oh, and the worst part is that it was a ceramic teacup…not even porcelain or bone china.

See, I’m no stranger to freak accidents. I accidentally super glued my eye shut once. Here’s how the story goes: I was in high school and I was highly misinformed that acrylic nails were cool. One of my acrylic nails popped off. I tried to glue it on while I was talking on the phone and the superglue squirted out into my eye. See how easy and believable that was.

God only knows what Lindsay was doing but I’m pretty sure it had nothing to do with breakfast, eggs, lotion and a teacup.

[source]

WINNER OF THE HORSIEST TEETH AWARD!!

Holy Mother of all pearly whites... why'd you have to make 'em so BIG??
She's cute too. I just don't think her lips were made to blanket such CHOMPERS!

Birthday ALARM

Actor Christian Bale is 32.

Actor Gene Hackman is 76.
Actress Vanessa Redgrave is 69.
Singer Marty Balin of Jefferson Airplane/Jefferson Starship is 64.
Musician Phil Collins is 55.
Actor Charles S. Dutton (Roc) is 55.
Comedian Brett Butler (Grace Under Fire) is 48.
Singer Jody Watley is 47.
Country singer Tammy Cochran is 34.
Actor Jake Thomas (Lizzie McGuire) is 16.
Actor Wilmer Valderrama (That '70s Show) is 26.

Not-So-Fantastic Plastic

This is one of those times someone should just keep the plastic surgery comments to themselves. Joan Collins is quoted as saying "I think Botox is poison.” First of all, let me clue you in here on a little something here Joaney…Botox’s real name is Botulinum Toxin Type A and it’s a purified form of the bacterium clostridium botulinum. Clostridium botulinum causes botulisim, a rare but serious paralytic illness. Hence, poison.

Enough with the medical mumbo jumbo… Collins also calls today’s actresses the “botox brigade” saying they are ruining their looks and turning into clones of each other. She also states, “the plastic surgeons want to make you look young, but I don't want to look young, I just want to look good." With that being said, have you taken a look at yourself lately, Joan? I’m not seeing young and I’m not seeing good so Joan, please keep those silly comments betwixt you and your mirror.

[source]

Charlize Theron Ain't No Greedy Bitch

Charlize Theron thinks that she’d be a “greedy bitch” if she won another Oscar. She says she’s not award hungry. (That’s what they all say). Apparently awards are not the reason she gets out of bed in the morning. Which means she just gets out of bed in the morning to play roles that make her look ugly, have some riveting controversial storyline and put a few million in her bank account.

Who the hell wants TWO Oscars? Um..EVERYONE. I wouldn’t call her a “greedy bitch” if she won again but I am going to nominate her for the 'best dumb bitch' category for making this comment.

[source]

58 year-old Fornication Film Featuring Marilyn Monroe

Who knew Marilyn Monroe might be an early part of the celebrity sex tape trend….

Back in 1948, when Norma Jean Baker was trying to make it big as Marilyn Monroe, she apparently pulled a Paris Hilton and made a sex tape! The scandal! Back then movie stars didn’t just sign contacts for money, they signed contracts for morals too so this type of film was a big tinsel town no-no. Hollywood's Erotic Museum supposedly has a copy of the grainy tape of Miss Marilyn having sex on a couch with a man. Lucky couch and even luckier man! Her estate denies it’s her in the video, which is totally a typical move, right?

I love the paradigm shift in Hollywood. A sex tape at one time would’ve killed a career and now it can be the catalyst for so many. I mean seriously, Paris’ career started on that nightvision nightmare and pornarific persona. My career unfortunately started with a masters degree.

[source]

Paltrow does not want you to back that ass up.

From the mouth of Gwyneth Paltrow:

"There is this perception of us in this country, like, oh, they're quite boring. They do yoga and they stay home watching UK Gold. I think we're happy. We're not looking for other things in life. We like our house. We like our kid. We like our friends." Paltrow sniffs. "I think it's sort of funny how you have to be doing coke off the ass of a stripper to be perceived as not boring these days."

Um..hello....did you not get the memo on that? That's totally the current criterion for not being a boring celebrity. Could you maybe just go back to your granola and khaki life, put your husband's little pee pee in your mouth and keep it there so we don't have to hear you sound like a snotty, British beyotch all the time.

YOUR 15 MINUTES: Get your crack here!

Dear Sylvester J. Williams,

Hi. The next time you're sitting around in Kansas smoking crack and you get a brilliant idea, run it by one of your non-crack-smoking friends before you act on it, k?

They would've told you that getting business cards to promote your crack selling business is not the best idea. Let me tell you why. See, if the business cards have a picture of a boxing glove punching an alarm clock with the slogan "For a quick hit on time call the boss" and your personal contact information, that implies you're a crack dealer. When you hand out business cards people can get ahold of you. If the cops get the business card they can also call you and set you up. That's why you're in jail right now. You're basically advertising for business and advertising to get busted all at the same time. You do get an A+ for attempting to bring a little professionalism to the drug dealing world. Unfortunately you also get your name in the national news under "dumb criminal." Better luck next time. Your 15 minutes are up.

Sincerely,
xine

[source]

All My Children ended up at General Hospital...

All My Children had publicized upcoming Mardi Gras episodes that included "an explosion that rocks Pine Valley and its residents." Sounds exciting, huh?

Well apparently that 'explosion that rocks Pine Valley and its residents' actually rocked the set of All My Children today and its four stunt people. All are expected to recover quickly. See, this is why my mom always told me not to play with explosives on the sets of soap operas....someone always gets hurt. Kelly Ripa left that show, right? Too bad.

[thanks, cnn]

Seeing Double... Celebrities with Not-So-Famous Twins

Whenever you have a bad day, please, take a look at this picture. No one has it worse than Michael FUGASS Kutcher. They're twins for Christ's sake!!!

• Ashton Kutcher - No one knew he had a fraternal twin, Michael, younger by five minutes, until Michael's wife blasted Ashton for failing to invite him to his low-key wedding to Demi Moore last year. But Kutcher's mother has since clarified that Michael was not invited because his wife couldn't keep a secret.
• Isabella Rossellini - Her fraternal twin sister, Ingrid Isotta, is a professor of Italian Renaissance literature at New York's Columbia University.
• Vin Diesel - His fraternal twin brother, Paul Vincent, has chosen a career behind the camera as an editor.
• Aaron Carter - He's the younger twin to sister Angel Charissma, who beat him by two minutes.
• Elvis Presley - We nearly had two Kings. The rock 'n' roll icon's twin brother, Jesse Garon, was still-born.
• Alanis Morissette - The Canadian singer has a twin brother named Wade who is a whole 12 minutes older. The singer claims to share telepathy with him.
• Justin Timberlake - His twin sister, Laura Katherine, died minutes after birth.
• Gisele Bundchen - Bundchen once said this of her younger fraternal twin, Patricia: 'When I was 14, my sister already had a boyfriend, and I hadn't even had a first kiss yet. She was always the hotter girl.'
• Scarlett Johanssen - Her twin brother, Hunter, is three minutes younger and just as good-looking.
• Gigi Leung - She has a twin brother named Keith.

[source]

Guessing Game..

WHICH babe-loving billionaire has started checking IDs of the young models he invites on his private jet? The randy retail king is nervous that his high-altitude hookups with underage playthings will draw unwanted attention from his more respectable friends .

Ron Burkle is a billionaire via supermarkets, etc. He has his own 757. He's old and I assume he's really gross.

WHICH spurned starlet hired a private investigator to tail her philandering boyfriend all around Hollywood after their painful breakup?

We all know by now this bitch is crazy. Any smoker who gets 'breathe' tatooed on their arm after an asthma attack has some issues. Also, there were some rumors going around that after the breakup she went nutso on him!

WHICH squeaky-clean former soap actor is battling a secret addiction to crystal meth? The hunky star once checked into Passages rehab in Los Angeles in a failed bid to kick the habit.

He's squeaky clean, he's a hunk, he's a former soap star and his girlfriend, Fergie, is a former meth addict. Makes sense, right?

Paris wants Graff to get her head checked.

Zeta Graff is a smart, smart women. She's doing what most people have wanted to do for years -- sue Paris Hilton for $10 million because Paris is a conniving, crazy, manipulative, lying bitch. Graff is claiming emotional distress for 'vicious rumors' Paris planted about her in gossip mags. Paris wants Graff to get her head checked.

I don't know why...the doctors are going to come back and be like "Yep, she's definitely smart for suing you. We now have neurological proof for the trial. Also, by looking at HER brain we've determined that YOU, Paris, are a freakin' idiot." I think Zeta should throw it right back at Paris and be like "bitch, you're the crazy mother fucker that made up lies about me, you get your head checked." Then doctors will look inside Paris' head and realize she doesn't have a brain and they’ll be compelled to cage her up and put her in a zoo where she belongs.

Birthday ALARM

Actor Alan Cumming (Spy Kids) is 41.

Drummer Nick Mason of Pink Floyd is 61.
Dancer Mikhail Baryshnikov is 58.
Actress Mimi Rogers is 50.
Keyboardist Gillian Gilbert (New Order) is 45.
Actress Bridget Fonda is 42.
Singer Mike Patton (Faith No More) is 38.
Rapper Tricky is 38.
Actor Josh Randall (Ed) is 34.

Nigga, Please...

Kanye West's pops, Ray West, is a sociology professor AND he wants his son to stop saying "nigga" like yesterday. Ray, a former Black Panther activist, feels the word has a negative connotation. Kanye tells Rolling Stone magazine, "I've stated to him very clearly that he needs to move beyond the negative language and the 'n**ger' statements." [source]

While he's at it, his pops should just tell his son to shut the fuck up altogether.

Gay Aiken

Did I not just mention "Clay Aiken" and "gay" in the same sentence the other day. Apparently Clay Aiken fans are furious that a a former Green Beret has gone public with his claim that he had a gay sex romp with the "American Idol" superstar.

John Paulus, the 38 year-old alleged lover, has been receiving death threats from Clay's fans as well as calls for porn movie offers from directors. This guy apparently passed an National Enquirer-funded lie detector test. The story is in the Enquirer issue out today nationwide. Aiken allegedly told Paulus he had just come out of the closet to his mom and some friends and also recently broke up with a boyfriend. [source]

Does a National Enquirer administered lie dectector test mean anything? To me it doesn't sound like something that would stand up in court. Furthermore, does anyone REALLY, honestly care if Clay Aiken had gay sex with some stranger in a hotel near Raleigh, N.C.? If we're gonna talk about gay sex I'd rather it be with someone I want to see having gay sex...like anyone other than Clay Aiken.

PS. Aiken's apparent screenname is 'valleyprettyboy' Now that's what I call gay.

Maybe he should continue WALKING the line

Joaquin Phoenix, he of the Johnny Cash impersonation and the dead brother, River, flipped his car on Canyon Road in Los Angeles. I would be shocked SHOCKED if this had anything to do with certain substances. Because he seems really sane.

I'd hit it, though.

One Plus One = DIRTY SLUT!

Ok, so you all may remember the story yesterday from Dlisted, showing pictures of Chestica Simpson leaving Chateau Marmont in Los Angeles early yesterday morning after spending the night with a "MYSTERY" man. She's wearin' dude's shirt too. As it turns out, PageSix reports this morning that two nights ago, Chestica was out partying with Kiki Dunst, and left the party with Maroon 5 frontman, Adam Levine (um, yes please). Apparently Simpson's best friend, Cacee Cobb-I'm-famous-for-no-good-reason, picked her up in the moring. You know, it makes me wonder. . . this bitch was married until like 3 minutes ago, and she's chasin' tha dick like it ain't no body's business.

slut.

BOING!

How can you pass up on this one? I don't even think Tony Parker is that hot. I'd hit it, but then again, perhaps it's easier to talk about who i wouldn't hit.

Thanx to Desperate Blog for the pic.

Nicole Richie unlocks secret of youth...turns into a 10 year old.

What’s worse than having your own money AND Lionel Richie’s money and not being able to fit in anything in the store because it’s too big? Aside from not being able to fit into anything in the store because it’s too small, I can’t think of a thing. Our favorite anorexic, Nicole Richie, pranced her way into a chic store on Melrose this week and when she tried clothes on they fell right off. She’s officially less than a size zero and a size zero at a boutique is like a size -5. Poor thing! I hope she doesn’t implode.

The collar bone/sternum/ribcage look is hot!

[source]

You think YOU had a bad night...

Not long after Kiefer Sutherland went on a famous drunken rampage taking out a Christmas tree (which he offered to pay for) in the lobby of a hotel in London where he ended up doing a bizzare breakdancing-ish routing, he just keeps comin’ back for more. According to PageSix, the 24 actor showed up at Ye Rustic Inn in Los Feliz, CA around 9am after a very loooooooooong night at the Drawing Room across the street where he bought a round of shots for his crazy friends. When it was time to pay for the bill he said his wallet was “indisposed” and that “it was stolen” but he’d pay later. Then he started doing karate kicks in the middle of the floor. A star struck patron offered to buy him a few rounds and then he devoured a plate of wings, leaving bones on the floor and NO tip.

Kiefer always makes me feel better about having a rough night. No matter what happens, I know my night will always be better than Kiefer’s. It’s like “oh, you got drunk and spilled a drink down your new shirt? Yeah well Kiefer Sutherland ran through a plate glass window, stole a helicopter and did Riverdance while breaking glass bottles off his head.” My boyfriend once went on a drunken rampage once with Kiefer not too long ago and didn’t come home until the next morning. Although he says it was an innocent, uneventful night as I read these continued reports, I'm left wondering what really happened…

FASHION FIX: Project Wake Me Up With Some Better Designs!

IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED ON PROJECT RUNWAY LAST NIGHT, DON'T READ THIS:

Is it just me or is Project Runway really starting to get a bit dull? You’d think that with this wonderful opportunity the designers would be turning out more impressive garments! I was disappointed that the designers were basically given the freedom to choose their inspiration and could barely come up with anything unique. Where did they find these people?

Zulema needed to be 'auf wiedersehen-ed' on out of there after that hideous butt-exposing gold thing during the “clothes off your back” challenge in the beginning of the series. It was like she called one of those 1-800- numbers on TV and got her fashion degree by mail because that girl had no idea how to sew! Well she FINALLY got what she deserved last night! The bitch got eliminate! That's what she gets for causing all that drama with the model "walk off" and stealing Nick's model.

I’ve been over Santino since about the third episode and his garments have been going downhill since. Overall Kara’s clothes are dull. Most of Chloe and Nick’s stuff looks like stuff you can buy at the mall (although I’d pick Nick over Chloe any day). Andrae and Daniel V. are my two favorite at this point, although I really thought Daniel F. had some serious tailoring talent. I wish he would’ve stayed around longer. It’s really becoming obvious who they’re keeping around for the dramatic effect, etc. I was happy to see Jay back on the show as a judge last night – it reminded me of those fun days with Jay, Austin Scarlett and that horrible Wendy Pepper. Wendy, by the way, has been rumored to have lost 40 lbs and is getting a divorce from her husband. Apparently the pressure from the show and after a show put a strain on her marriage. You’re a cold bitch Wendy but we still with you the best of luck with that! Until next week at 10pm…

To see this week's designs click here

Birthday ALARM

Actor Paul Newman is 81.

Guitarist Eddie Van Halen is 51.
Percussionist Norman Hassan of UB40 is 48.
Comedian Ellen DeGeneres is 48.
Guitarist Andrew Ridgeley (Wham!) is 43.
Singer Jazzie B. of Soul II Soul is 43.
Actor Paul Johansson (One Tree Hill) is 42.
Drummer Chris Hesse of Hoobastank is 32.
Country guitarist Michael Martin of Marshall Dyllon is 23.

AND THE WINNER OF THE BIGGEST COKEHEAD AWARD!!

just keepin it real. REAL SKINNY!

i'm glad she's not ana anymore... agreed?

Birthday ALARM

Singer Alicia Keys is 25.

Actor Dean Jones is 75.
Blues singer Etta James is 68.
Actress Leigh Taylor-Young (Peyton Place) is 62.
Actress Dinah Manoff (Empty Nest) is 48.
Country drummer Mike Burch of River Road is 40.
Singer Kina (Brownstone) is 37.
Guitarist Matt Odmark of Jars of Clay is 32.

AFTERNOON TIDBITS

• 61 year-old FREAK-O-RAMA CEO behind A&F [ohnotheydidnt]
• Brad Pitt and Madonna "EAT OUT"... (get your mind out of the gutter u pigs) [just jared]
• Sean Penn's brother, Chris Penn, dies at age 40 [tmz]
• Avril Lavigne is kinda hot. Did she get new teeth too? [hollywoodtuna]
• Richard Hatch (aka the ugliest gay dude alive) found guilty! [yahoo]
• How many purses does Nicole Ritchie need??? i'm not impressed, PS! [dlisted]
• Is Dakota Fanning an alien? [The Deli]

Well, since it is gay day. . .

I recently received an email from Leonardo DiCrappio himself! It reads in part:

I'm working with the Natural Resources Defense Council, which is leading the campaign to protect and restore the grizzly bear in the lower 48 states. As the bears sleep through the coldest and darkest months of the year, please join us to ensure that grizzly bears have a healthy landscape to wake up to -- this spring and for many years to come.

As well-documented on this site, I'm all for celebrities doing good deeds with their celebrity clout. The reason I find this particular charitable work amusing you might ask? Because I suspect there's only one kind of bear that Leo's TRULY interested in. And it's not his ex-boyfriend Gisele.

Grab a Hold of that DICK!

Felicity Huffman, of Desperate Hoodrats, was phenomenal in Transamerica. I must say, there are some HOT BOYS in this movie, and they're nekkid A LOT! Now, i'm not gonna lie and say that i wasn't waiting to see some DICK, but i got more than i was bargining for when in one particular scene, the audience is graced with a shot of Felicity's dick (it's a plastic shaft... haha i said shaft!). HOLY SHIT, this was so shocking and funny and horrible... pass the stoli o please... and make it a double!!

Apparently, she had to learn how to hold this thing... "I had to wear this bottle under my arm and squeeze it. The whole thing was acutally terrifying." She goes on to say, "In hindsight, it's very funny, as I had to take lessons in how to hold Andy (WTF.. it had a name) the right way. I mean, how do you hold him properly when you pee? Which hand do you use?"

Perhaps I could give her a lesson or two on how to hold Andy... A few stoli o's on the rocks, and i'll show her how to do some other FUN stuff with Andy, if you know what i mean!!

[Female First]

Straight from the (gay) horse's mouth...

It’s rumored that Michelle Rodriguez says farewell to her castmates on the set of Lost in an unconventional manner which includes the statement:

"Good night, everyone. I'm off to bleep some bleep!"

She also wags her tongue between her split fingers.

[Source]

In case you don't get it, the “bleeps” have to do with what she’s eating at night…and it’s not dinner.

These gay-Hollywood rumors are getting old. Will somebody come out of the closet already? Toothy Tile? ANDERSON COOPER? Queen Latifah? Clay Aiken? Vin Diesel? BIG GAY AL? Anyone? Come on, Jodie Foster...aren't you and Cydney basically out'n about for years now?

Michael Jackson is a Cross Dressin' Fag!

Need I say more?

Click here to read the story.

One Frigid Fete Blind Vice

Here's another one:

It's not surprising that Prucella Tight-Tush and Butchy Billfold threw a big bash recently. Hell, this dynamo duo's got a zillion reasons to pop open the bubbly--not to mention a fancy, preened and photographed manse. No, what's really whack is that anyone showed up to their prissy shindig at all. After all, amigos de Butchy know he's more of a, shall we say, daytime partier.

Butchy's bashes tend to be more exclusive, as in...

Only. Hookers. Allowed.

Yep, B. Billfold's idea of a soiree favor is prolly a bottle of Johnny Walker and a dental dam. I'm certain he's safe with the prostitutes he entertains on an alarmingly regular basis. Heaven knows if he got any goo on the gardening tools, Prucella would have his head, fast, damn straight . Which is what makes Missus Tight-Tush's fiasco of a party so damn amusing, if you ask moi. Picture it: five girls on one side of the room; five boys crammed on the other--including an orgasm-inducing actor who's hot on his comeback. No boy-girl mingling. Radio blasting. Radio! Even during the commercials, dear gawd.

Of course, everyone humored the missus and stayed for the obligatory post-meal chitchat time, wondering how long Prucella and Butchy plan on torturing their guests at these sorry soiress in the future. And the second that socially conscious hour struck, the posh place was deserted.

Hmmm. Will these two famous (and handsome) folks ever combine forces and throw a bring-your-own-vaseline-themed tea party, I wonder? I doubt it. She's way too busy working.

And it's not: Will and Jada Smith, Gwen and Gavin or Rita Wilson and Tom Hanks

MY GUESS:

Ted might have made this one too easy -- "Butchy Billfold/Guy Ritchie" not to mention her Madgesty has made it a point to show all of us her 40+ tight tush...

Whaddya think?

AFTERNOON TIDBITS

• Kanye West looks like JESUS! [Yahoo]
• Kiki Dumpster goes shoppin for a new outfit! [Just Jared]
• Star Jones is pissed off and threatening to take off her shirt! (jk) [Dlisted]
• Are Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban on or off... or do we even give a shit? [People]
• Don't call it a come back... John Stamos isn't dead afterall! [NY Post]
• Mandy Moore owes me like 20 bucks! [Female First]
• Britney gets help from those pesky paparazzi. Who's complaining now? [Fox]

PINK!

So, i might be gay, but i would totally dig into Pink's roast beef curtains after watching her latest video, Stupid Girl!!!!!!!!! OK, maybe i took that too far.