She'll Always Be Donna Martin To Me.

It's almost 80 degrees here so in case I "forget" to post this weekend, I wanted to remind everyone to check out VH1's So noTORIous, a hot new faux-reality show starring Tori Spelling spoofing Tori Spelling. Good times, genius concept. I believe it's on this Sunday at 10pm ET. Seriously though, check your local listings because I might just be making that time up.

This show should be pretty fun considering that in the very first episode she bit off the hand that gave her the little career, big boobs and reasonable nose that she has. Figuratively not literally, of course. Once her parents, Aaron and Candy, saw episode numero uno they stopped speaking to her. She apparently caught the same case of overactive optimism that her boyfriend has. I absolutely love Tori Spelling but if I were her, I wouldn’t throw away that Spelling fortune on my first TV deal in ages. Remember what happened to poor Heather Graham when she was trying to make a comeback with Emily’s Reasons Why Not?

It's no masterpiece. I can tell you that.

Dear Mr. Artist Sculptor Person (I think your name might be Daniel Edwards):

I know this picture of a sculpture has been around for a while...I was just hoping it would go away...quietly. I also know that it's supposed to be some pro-life bullshit about Britney Spears giving birth to Sean Preston Federline on an animal skin rug. Here's the problem: I usually "get" art. I just don't "get" this sculpture. I hate to break it to you but not every woman who has a child of their own is pro-life. They still might be pro-choice and they just chose to keep the baby. That's what that choice thingy is all about. I don't understand why it is that she popped out one kid with her husband and you're making her the sculpture-child for pro-life. I have a few questions for you.

Question 1: Did you even look at Britney Spears when you made this sculpture? Let me show you something...here is an average looking picture of Britney's facs vs. The Sculpture. Just in case you didn't notice, that thing looks more like Marie Antoinette than Britney Spears. I wouldn't have known it was supposed to be Britney if the article on MSN didn't tell me.
Question 2: Did you happen to look at a PREGNANT picture of Britney Spears when you made this thing? At no point in time during her pregnancy, especially the end, did she ever have that type of muscle definition. We all probably thought she would, but she didn't. No bicepts, no protruding collar bones...all we got were puffy cheeks and chubby legs. Here's a little exhibit of a pregnant Britney Spears vs. The Sculpture:Question 3: Did you realize that that Britney gave birth to Sean Preston Federline via C-Section at the UCLA Medical Center in Santa Monica? Not only was this ass-up birthing position not part of his welcome wagon to this scary world, hospitals don't have animal rugs in birthing rooms. I think it has something to do with either lack of practicality or sanitation or both. Here's what really happened vs. The Sculpture:I understand that Britney having a baby might've inspired you. What I don't understand is how you think this sculpture has anything to do with Britney Spears other than it's a woman having a baby. So Dan-the-sculptor, can I ask you one more thing? Just between you and me...are you just trying to get your name out there by creating this monstrous sculpture that is supposed to be a famous girl you don't even know, giving birth to a child in a fictitious way? I just have this nagging suspicion that you already had this thing sculpted and you just attached Britney's name to it after-the-fact to attract the media. And even if I'm wrong about it being created before Britney’s first birthing experience, I just can't kick the idea that you're just using her name to get attention. If you could just clear that up for me I could move on with my life and forget this whole thing ever happened. Oh and by the way, if you are using her name to get attention, it worked brilliantly. Unfortunately, your sculpture is no Michelangelo's Statue of David. It's still ugly and ridiculous and it scares me. Sincerely, xine.

A Sad Day for Hip Hop Trannies Everywhere

Hip-hop mogul Russell Simmons has officially called it quits with his model-turned-entrepreneur tranny-looking wife of seven years, Kimora. She recently told Vibe Vixen magazine, “The things we go through are very regular things that regular people in Middle America go through,” denying the imminent split. Yup, just like regular Middle America – these two are getting a good, old-fashioned American divorce. What the hell is Vibe Vixen magazine anyway? Is it another one of those things Kimora created so she can be on the cover of something?
[source]

Ian McKellen Wants to Hit It!

Ian McKellen wants to kick it to Jake Gyllenhaal (otherwise known as the one and only Toothy Tile). Famous for his many on screen roles, namely the White Wizard in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, Ian McKellen is also known for speaking out against the portrayal of gay men on film... and now he's pissed about a comment Jake Gyllenhaal made about kissing co-star Heath Ledger.

"I got very upset when one of the actors said it was the most terrifying job he'd ever had because it involved him kissing another man."

"Imagine how rude that is. Suppose I'd said the most appalling thing I ever had to do was kiss Helen Mirren!"

I'm looking at the picture above, and I'm thinking that kissing Helen Mirren probably wasn't all that easy... So, Ian, you may want to rethink that one... k?

[source]

Vein Complain

Why is Angelina Jolie too good to be true? She's like a bi-sexual, Brad Pitt girlfriend, former druggie, world’s sexiest woman, death-obsessed, humanitarian, millionaire, cutter, model, freaky sex-loving, mother-of-the-year, movie star icon. Not many people can pull of that level of irony…especially looking like that. She's proving my point again by being the most perfect pregnant woman ever. Do they have one of those "world's sexiest" contests for pregnant women? She's seriously only gained weight in her stomach. She'll go back to her old body as soon as Brad Pitt's love child wiggles its way out. Her boobs still look magically delicious. They’re not overly-swollen and she’s in her eleventyth month of pregnancy. It makes me sick. The good news is that if you look close enough there’s a flaw. Yes, a flaw in Angelina Jolie. In case you haven’t seen them before, she has arm veins only a heroin addict could love. Check that thing out. It’s not very photogenic. That whole vein thing is totally not a becoming trait for a 'world’s sexiest woman' title-holder....WWF title-holder, maybe...world's sexiest woman, not so much. Do they have some kind of vascular surgery to get rid of that problem? The least someone could do is invent some kind of Photoshop program for real life so we don't have to look at stuff like that.

Anorexia Chronicles: Day at the Beach

Poor Nicole Richie. She left her swimmies at home so she couldn't go in the water. Don't worry...she made sandcastles while the adults swam.

Birthday ALARM

Actor Ewan McGregor is 35
Actor William Daniels (St. Elsewhere ) is 79.
Country singer-songwriter John D. Loudermilk is 72.
Actor Richard Chamberlain is 72.
Musician Herb Alpert is 71.
Actor Christopher Walken is 63.
Comedian Gabe Kaplan (Welcome Back, Kotter ) is 61.
Actress Rhea Perlman (Cheers ) is 58.
Guitarist Angus Young of AC/DC is 51.

Friday Hoff

Hey kids! It's everybody's favorite Friday update.

Check this story out. I think he must have read my last post.

Senorita, he feels for you...

Justin Timberlake is just like the rest of us: he thinks KSPED is GROSS and there's really not much that would change his mind! Apparently Justin is pretty sad about how things turned out for Britney since they had a lot of great years together. Even though he won't be reuniting with her romantically, he may work with her professionally in the future. Come on, who would seriously dump pimple-faced Cameron Diaz for pimple-faced Britney Spears? A source says, “I’ll bet if Britney wanted Justin to help her put together a comeback record, he’d jump at the chance. He’s someone who never backs down from an artistic challenge, and he’s said that he’d love to see Britney redeem herself through music — even if he has to give her a push.” Good, because the only place KSPED is pushing Britney is into advanced Beverly Hillbilly status. [source]

Scoop this!

Our intrepid LA correspondent will be attending a taping of NBC's "Celebrity Cooking Showdown" on Sunday, and will be on the lookout for scalds, burns, and disfiguring incidents.

And free cookware, of course.

DUCK!!!! INCOMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TMZ is reporting that Naomi Campbell has been arrested this morning!!! THIS IS THE BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!!

Apparently, this bitch was arrested this very morning after an "alleged assult" took place. The victim, some 41-year-old woman, was struck by, WHAT ELSE, something Naomi threw at her, and she sustained a lasceration to the back of her head.

A rep for Naomi issued this statement:

"We believe this is a case of retaliation, because Naomi had fired her housekeeper earlier this morning. We are confident the courts will see it the same way."

hmm... i wonder if what she threw was a cell phone. I mean, what else does Naomi Campbell carry around with her, aside from a pack of smokes, a lighter, a crack-sack with some sort of amphetamine, and a cell phone?

I'm gonna go with cell phone as my final answer.

[source]

Celebrity Hijinx encourages you to stock up on earplugs while you can...

Paris Hilton still apparently thinks she can sing. She’s now in the process of recording a track with Three 6 Mafia. At the Oscars we discovered Three 6 Mafia can’t even talk. This should be fun. Save me a front row seat while I grab a martini. This is probably going to be the worst thing to hit the airwaves since that horrid "Laffy Taffy" song...if Paris and Three 6 even make it that far. [source]
Aww skeet skeet skeet.

Hollywood Smackdown

There's a new grudge match in town: Brooke Hogan, 17 year-old virgin daughter of the Hulk, is taking it to the ring with Ashlee and Jessica Simpson calling both of them "fake." I can’t really figure out where she’s going with this “fake” thing though. I mean I can’t see anything about them that’s fake that isn’t fake on her: fake tan, fake blonde hair, makeup, etc. From the one episode of ‘Hogan Knows Best’ that I watched, it appears as if Brooke might be smarter than the Simpsons and she’s definitely more virginal so Brooke might be able to make fun of their intelligence or call them sluts. But fake? What’s not “fake” about a 17 year-old virgin dressing like a hooker on a red carpet? I hope she straightens up her insults and her look because I want to see her put both of the Simpsons in a headlock at the same time.

Sweatshops for Hairshops

Ok, so occasionally, we at CH have a conscience. After all these stories about Paris's hair extension company, here's a piece from the Village Voice that explains where extensions really come from.

Stay shorn, baby.

America's Next Top Mongoloid

I am sad, sad, sad that Gina was kicked off of ANTM. She was clearly 94% retarded, and it's always inspiring to hear stories of people who overcome adversity.

Happy birthday, birthday boy

Special Birthday Alarm

A very Happy Birthday to Celebirty Hijinx's DINO!

Birthday ALARM

Singer Tracy Chapman is 42.

Actor Warren Beatty is 69.
Drummer Graeme Edge of the Moody Blues is 65.
Musician Eric Clapton is 61.
Actor Robbie Coltrane (Harry Potter) is 56.
Actor Paul Reiser is 49.
Rapper MC Hammer is 43.
Actor Ian Ziering (Beverly Hills, 90210) is 42.
Singer Celine Dion is 38.
Singer Norah Jones is 27.

One-Ton-Tomato-Head

These are recent photographs of Kelly Osbourne who attended this year's British Book Awards ceremony (YAWN) ... but that's not important... what's important about these pics is that although she's beginning to blossom into a decently pretty young lady, she's got WICKED BAD FAT HEAD SYNDROME. that's all i have to say.

Love Hurts

Sticks and stones will break my bones, and so will motocross riding!

Pink, who recently married motocross superstar, Carey Hart, says that everytime her husband leaves home for work, she's never sure in what condition he'll return.

In a recent write up in Blender magazine, Pink says, "Everything he does terrifies me. The first day I met him, I shook his hand, and five minutes later he fell from 40 feet and broke 14 bones. They thought he was dead. I turned to my friend and said, 'I will never date a motocross rider as long as I live.' Then three months later, he hobbled back into my life."

[source]

check out the diamonds on her teef...

YOUR 15 MINUTES: Hotel Wal-Mart

For Spring Break this year, 20-year old Drake University sophomore, Skyler Bartels, decided he didn’t want to go to the beach like the rest of the world - he headed to Wal-Mart. Yes, you read that right. He went to Wal-Mart for spring break. His so-called brilliant plan was to spend a week in a 24 hour Wal-Mart to test his survival skills. Wow, this kid real Davey Crockett, isn't he? I can already tell you a Wal-Mart has anything you need to live for a week. Why don’t you try, say, the wilderness? His college advisory thought it was a great idea. What Skyler really needed was to have me advise him. I’d slap the shit out of him and hand him a ticket to South Beach.

He made it 41 hours in the Iowa Wal-Mart spending his time checking out shoppers, reading magazines, watching movies on the DVD displays and playing video games. He ate at the in-store Subway and took naps in the bathroom. I wouldn’t even piss in a Wal-Mart bathroom less than “nap” in one. Employees eventually noticed him and since he was already hallucinating from lack of sleep, he decided to go home before he was thrown out. Of course now he’s going to be famous – he’s talked with a book agent, been contacted by New Line Cinema about a movie concept and did a radio interview with National Public Radio. [source]

FASHION FIX: Perforated Purse

Louis Vuitton monogrammed canvas is ugly no matter what way you put it. It’s even uglier when it’s fake. They tried to spruce it up by releasing the ubiquitous Monogram Multicolore by Takashi Murakami, which was cute for about a half a second. I chalk it up as a failure for Louis Vuitton because I'm forced to stare at 1203 ugly knockoffs daily. Now Marc Jacobs has come up with this hideous monstrosity available in pink, orange and green. Marc, sweetie, I thought you'd know better by now -- just because it's pink doesn't mean it's a good idea for a spring collection. I expect this one on my friendly neighborhood hoodrat, in a coordinating pink/orange/green outfit, in about two months.

L'Oreal Larceny

CourtTV is reporting thieves stole over 10,000 jars of L’Oreal RevitaLift face cream from a factory in eastern France. The jars were being prepared for export to duty-free stores. I believe they will most likely be recovered from a super-secret, underground face cream smuggling ring led by one or more of the following:

Teri Hatcher who recently gave up Botox and collagen.

Star Jones who needs about 10,000 RevitaLifts.

Or Jocelyn Wildenstein who I believe is self-explanatory from the picture below. I mean, what else does someone do once plastic surgery doesn't work anymore?

Hair Drama

Nicole Richie thought she did it this time. She had a flawless plan in place to piss of her ex-BFF Paris. Her idea: "get extensions to look just like Paris...the girl I'm no longer friends with." But Paris is always one step ahead of her. She took her extensions out and had a night on the town looking like little Miss Nicole Richie. That bitch. Talk about lack of creativity. Are there only two hair styles in Hollywood this spring? Is this a case of stylist sabotage?

Spreading the Love

OK, so dude's a little on edge lately, with all the hoopla surrounding the fact that one of his security guards was shot dead last month in Brooklyn. I understand... and even empathize... i guess. I mean, shit... his jewlery almost done got stolen, and without bling, you ain't nothin in RAP CITY! You better ax somebody.

However, I don't empathize with haters. It seems that Busta Rhymes (who I ain't heard about in a minute) freaked out the other night when a young gay man tried to get his attention by tapping him on the shoulder. It seems that after a night of clubbing in Miami, Busta made his way to the 11th Street Diner, located right next to Twist, a local gay club. On Busta's way out, a young man tried to congratulate Busta on his recent comeback, but before he could even muster one word, Busta turned around and yelled, "Why the fuck you touchin' me, man? Get the fuck away from me..." and then turned to the surviving members of his posse and said, "I hate fuckin faggots, man." Busta's spokesperson hasn't returned any phone calls about the incident. This is the second time this month we've seen a story involving Busta and the way he treats his fans.

There are several age-old explainations for this type of aggressive anti-gay behavior, but I won't participate in this below-the-belt banter... (haha... a gay story with below-the-belt banter... that's good shit). Just don't approach this dude for an autograph... besides, WTF are you going to do with Busta's signature? I wouldn't even wipe my ass with it.

[source]

Birthday ALARM

Model Elle Macpherson is 43.

Host John McLaughlin (The McLaughlin Group) is 79.
Comedian Eric Idle is 63.
Composer Vangelis (Chariots of Fire) is 63.
Singer Bobby Kimball of Toto is 59.
Actor Christopher Lambert is 49.
Singer Perry Farrell of Porno for Pyros and Jane's Addiction is 47.
Singer-harmonica player John Popper of Blues Traveler is 39.
Actress Lucy Lawless (Xena: Warrior Princess) is 38.
Country singer Regina Leigh of Regina Regina is 38.
Country singer Brady Seals is 37.

WE LOVE POPBYTES

This is a picture of one of our favorite bloggers, MK from Popbytes...

He went to Project Runway loser, Santino Rice's yard sale... Interestingly, standing in the background in the picture below is Tony Ward (SUPER HOT MODEL who once did some gay porn and was rumored to have dated Madonna). Anyway, we think popbytes rules...

[source]

It's fun to stay at the J-A-I-L...

Oh the irony… Victor Willis, the "cop" from the Village People is going to be singing to the tune of a different song after disappearing while drug and gun charges against him were pending. Willis was arrested last year on charges of possessing a gun and cocaine, but he disappeared after agreeing to a plea deal that set a maximum sentence of 16 months behind bars. He was re-arrested on Sunday and the singer is due in court today. Because he went missing, the San Francisco-area resident now faces as much as four years, four months in prison on those charges, as well as an additional eight months on possible new narcotics charges. Once he's done with his jail time, let's hope the YMCA gives the poor guy a room. [source]

YOUR 15 MINUTES: Hi, I'd like to order 4,334 Whopper Jr.s, please...

no pickles.

George Beane totally didn't have it his way when he went to Burger King the other night for four sandwiches. The cashier forgot that she'd entered the $4.33 charge on his debit card and punched in the numbers again without erasing the original ones creating a four-figure bill. $4,334.33 was taken from Beane's Bank of America debit card leaving he and his wife virtually penniless. The Beane's mortgage payment was due and they worried checks they had written would bounce.

Terri Woody, the restaurant manager, said Burger King officials tried to get the charge refunded but the bank said the funds were on a three-day hold and could not be released. The hold is designed to prevent customers from spending money that no longer is available in their accounts and to let the bank confirm a transaction is legitimate before transferring fund. I cannot stand those holds...and Bank of America is the worst with holds. PNC Bank will drop the hold if you call them and tell them it's an error. Burger King did not charge the Beane's for the meal and the couple got their $4,334.33 back on Friday. Hopefully the cashier laid off the crack. [source]

Ladies Love Wilmer V

Wilmer Valderrama went on the Howard Stern show to discuss his new show on MTV called, “Yo Momma." While I'm totally not interested in his show, I am interested in what Wilmer had to say on Howard's show....

Here are some of the highlights:

• He didn’t dump Linsday Lohan for Ashlee Simpson.
• He took Mandy Moore’s virginity. She was not like a warm apple pie but the sex was still good.
• His Spanish accent didn’t hurt his chances with the ladies thanks to “Desperado” which made Spanish accents and wearing tight jeans cool for a time (um…ok? Whatever makes you feel better.)
• Jennifer Love Hewitt is an 8 out of 10 in bed.
• He’s never slept with Jamie Presley, Rosaria Dawson or Jessica Alba. They’re just friends.
• His man part is more than 8 inches long. No wonder Lindsay went psycho after they broke up!
• When he’s with celebrities, he has two things on his mind: that he can’t believe he’s actually having sex with them and that he has to be sure to perform adequately.
• He can’t remember a woman he’s been rejected by although he said it’s happened.
• Howard played a round of “‘F,’ Marry, Kill” with Wilmer presenting him with Mandy Moore, Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Alba. Wilmer told Howard that he’d “F” Lindsay, marry Mandy and kill Jessica, explaining that Jessica was just “too good to be true.”

[read the rundown]

Further evidence on the death of American Art

I know you faithful readers enjoyed the Britney sculpture ("Hey y'all, SPF is crowning!"), so here's more artistic magestry for your Tuesday enjoyment.

Jesus plays Pop Warner? Jesus looks like one of those guys you wouldn't want hanging around your kids. "Tackle me, Timmy! And then let's play hide the Kosher sausage!"

[source]

Sexiest Who in the What?

This is who FHM considers to be the "Sexiest Woman in the World."

Yes, Scarlett Johansson is the sexiest woman in the world and I'm an intern for the Easter Bunny. Don't get me wrong, she's a very pretty girl, but why her? What about Jessica Alba or Adriana Lima? Are they too prude. Could it be that she was naked on that creepy cover of Vanity Fair? Or that Isaac Mizrahi grabbed her golden globes on TV live during the Golden Globes? Or that her boobs often times look like an ass on her chest?

I'm glad to see someone other than Angelina Jolie take the top spot in a "sexy" ranking but I'm sure it was just by default since Angie has a bun in the oven. FHM readers couldn't find a pregnant Angelina Jolie sexy even if she was pregnant with their child and they just went through a long dry spell, a few beers, some cheap tequila shots and a Girls Gone Wild video to get them in the mood. However this really breaks down, I commend FHM for going with a woman who has a natural-looking body. Even though I'm a huge fan of extreme diet makeovers and plastic surgery, 10 year old boy, shoulder blades and plastic are not always so fantastic.

What's she thinking?

Is it "Oooh, I wish I had a sandwich!"?

NO! In fact it's. . .

"Whew, I'm glad my little skeleton arm didn't snap off with the weight of that bowling ball!"

Birthday ALARM

Actress Julia Stiles is 25.

Actress Conchata Ferrell is 63.
Actor Ken Howard is 62.
Actress Dianne Wiest is 58.
Keyboardist Milan Williams (The Commodores) is 58.
Country singer Reba McEntire is 51.
Rapper Salt of Salt-N-Pepa is 37.
Actor Vince Vaughn is 36.
Rapper Mr. Cheeks of Lost Boyz is 35.
Actor Ken L. (The Parkers) is 33.

HAIR DON'T ever do this again please

It looks like Reese's hair took a field trip to Fright Night during the shooting of her new movie Penelope. With that out-of-DEATHbed hairdo and a those facial expressions I'm going to assume she won't be walking home with a little gold statue this time.