Who Would You Rather Have As Your Mom?

Britney Spears
Age: 25
Claim to fame: Multi-millionaire world-famous pop star
Net Worth: Possibly in excess of $100million
Baby Daddy: Kevin Federline – professional sperm donor/unemployed dancer
Parenting Skills:

• Does not like to properly use safety seats/high chairs
• Drops children
• Wants to bleach her babies’ teeth
• Being investigated for child abuse
• Recently investigated for animal abuse
• Recent trip to rehab
• Flashes private parts
• Car accident
• Late night partying
• Strange, revealing unmatching outfits
• Apparently promiscuous
  
• Started dating a man while he had a pregnant girlfriend
• Reports of drug use including cocaine and ecstasy
• Reports of excessive drinking and possibly some drinking while pregnant
  

Dina Lohan
Age: 44
Claim to fame: Pimping out her daughter to the movie industry
Net Worth: Whatever she makes off her daughter's dying career
Baby daddy: Michael Lohan – serial felon, substance abuser, now works for God
Parenting Skills:

• Does not obey court order to allow father to see children
• Daughter in rehab 3 times this year following 2 DUIs and cocaine possession
• New boyfriend is a drunk and a rapist
• Habitual liar and manipulator
• Puts money before children’s welfare – daughter is cash cow
• Uses cocaine
• Had 6 DUIs
• Crashed her car and left the scene
• Was recently seen at Kobe club in a"really short dress and boots," A guy sitting next to Dina was "all over her." "Dina had a napkin in her lap and hiked up her dress," the source says. "The guy put his hand under her napkin . . . It went on for like five minutes."
• Supposedly drinks and does drugs with her daughter.
• Has been seen out partying with her underage daughter.
• Lied about being a former Rockette
• Speaks openly to the press about personal family items and often does not make sense and/or is in a serious state of denial
  

Anna Nicole's Drama Still Haunting This World

No joke - I woke up this morning thinking "it's really nice that the Anna Nicole top tag has become smaller and smaller." It only took like a year for the drama to die down. Then immediately following that thought, the magical drama fairy swooped down from the sky and dropped the following Larry Birkhead/Howard K. Stern/Dannielynn story onto my lap:

In a stunning and expensive turnaround, OK! magazine yesterday dumped its Anna Nicole Smith poster boy, Larry Birkhead. The glossy was to have featured exclusive coverage of baby Dannielynn's first-birthday party as part of a $1.7 million access deal. But bombshell allegations in a book about Birkhead's custody fight with lawyer Howard K. Stern, set to be released next week, caused OK! to cut the relationship. "My biggest fear is that Larry and Howard may have tricked us all," editor Sarah Ivens said in a statement yesterday. It is strongly rumored that "Blonde Ambition," written by Rita Cosby, will indicate the two men, who both claimed to father the baby, struck a backroom deal. "The newly obtained allegations are detailed, shocking and potentially incriminating," the magazine's publicist said. "It makes it impossible for OK!, in good conscience, to promote this family's highly questionable relationship in our pages."

Larry says OK! is just pissed that he and Dannielynn were on the cover of last week's US Weekly and OK! has been threatening him. I believe that. OK! seems to have a serious case of PMS lately. First they rip apart Britney, now Larry. Meow. On a side note, who didn't think that Larry and Howard had some sort of backroom deal? Not me. I'm sure it involves a lot of money and maybe a little toe tapping. These two are going to exploit that little darling to kingdom come.

Xine's Update For Today

I thought today was going to be a produtive blog day for me considering I started off my morning with a conversation in which I psychoanalyzed Dino's nipples. Alas, it didn't work out that well. So, I'm going to cover a few random things in one nice, little blog entry:

1. My laptop died. This is my second laptop death this year leaving me only with a desktop at home and a desktop at work - both of which are not blog-friendly. This time my Dell laptop kicked it. I received the blue screen of death (pictured below). If anyone knows how to help me, it would be much appreciated. A magical incentive is that once the laptop is fixed, I will post more often.2. Some genius at the Diet Pepsi factory innovated Diet Pepsi Max - Invigorating Cola like a month ago. I swear it just made it to the Diet Pepsi shelf at my grocery store yesterday. Trust me, I'm like a hawk. Anyway, it has twice the caffeine of regular Diet Pepsi. It also includes ginseng so I'm now able to categorize my out-of-control Diet Pepsi addiction as "healthy,"right? Really, in my world this is Nobel Peace Prize-worthy. Or at least a runner-up on American Inventor. Go buy it. Stop wasting your money on Red Bull. This will give you wings for about 50 cents and it doesn't taste like medicine. 3. Last but not least, Nicole Richie is still carrying stuff in front of her stomach while neither publicly confirming or denying a pregnancy. This leads me to believe she's knocked up. Rumor has it the baby will be named Publicity.....I mean Felicity.

Pimp My Baby

Larry Birkhead is shakin' his money maker in OK! Magazine this month. He says: "She also gets what she wants exactly like her mom always did as soon as she'd pout." Fabulous - so she gets a duffel bag full or drugs with her morning bottle? ?! Hopefully Dannilynn doesn't maintain her infantile behavior through adulthood like her mom. If she does, at least we know Daddy will be her drug runner.

Celebrity Clone: Mommy and Me Edition

Baby Angelina Jolie and her mom (in the old picture on the left) are the 70's clone of Angelina and Shiloh. This is picture proof that my godson is going to have his very own Angelina Jolie when he grows up!

Spice Girls Church Reunion

When I dream about a Spice Girls reunion, which is often, I dream about platform shoes, wild costumes and the five girls dancing around on stage - NOT dully dressed women together at a church. Alas, Ginger Spice had Bluebell Madonna (her baby spice) baptized over the weekend causing an almost-reunion of the girl band. Unfortunately, Scary Spice was too busy trying to jackhammer her way into Eddie Murphy's bank account to attend. So with 4 out of 5 of them in the same church together, does this bring us closer to the long overdue reunion?

For fun, here's a little Then N' Now

This is what the girls used to look like:This is what they look like now: Please, you know they were making fun of Scary's fat bidonk in the parking lot: PS. Baby Spice is actually having a baby. At first I thought she was just really fat.

Michael Jackson's Kids - Faces And All!

TMZ found Michael Jackson's kids in Vegas making a rare unmasked public appearance. Jacko should really consider keeping the masks off because they are adorable! Paris and Michael Jr. (Prince) are like little child models. Blanket has some weird wig-hat thing on his head (or he needs one hell of a haircut) so it's hard to tell what his deal is -- my has he grown since the last time I saw him on that balcony! Jacko might want to consider a showbiz career for these kids. They could pull him out of debt in an instant. Hello Disney.Is it me or does their nanny look like Whitney Houston? Honestly, I wouldn't put it past MJ to hire the newly rehabed trainwreck to watch his kids.

Diddy's Girls

Here's a picture of Sean Combs (aka some stupid nickname of the day) with the twin girls he birthed shortly before Christmas - D’Lila Star and Jessie James Combs. Their nanny, former model Kim Porter, is in the background.

In related news, Diddy is rumored to be gallivanting with Sienna Miller. Have no fear - she has lots of experience with other people's children, so she'll make a fabulous stepmom to these two little angels. Diddy claims the two are just friends. Kim Porter chose not to comment on the situation but her pupils immediately turned into giant dollar signs.