Whatchu Goin Do Wit All That Junk?

Rehab must be filled with buttered popcorn and old fashioned milkshakes, because LALA looks like she's put on 300 pounds. Which would bring her weight to a total of 310 pounds. If I were a powerful Hollywood producer and wanted to make a movie for black guys, I'd make a karate ghost movie with Lindsay Lohan. Because black guys love karate movies and girls with big asses and they’re hilariously afraid of ghosts. I’d call it "The Prize". Because Lindsay is the white mans prize and also the karate tournament would have a prize and maybe the black guy beats a white guy. The title has a double meaning, you see. And it all takes place on a haunted riverboat. Or something. I haven't worked out all the beats yet, I just know I'm gonna be rich.

Who Would You Rather Have As Your Mom?

Britney Spears
Age: 25
Claim to fame: Multi-millionaire world-famous pop star
Net Worth: Possibly in excess of $100million
Baby Daddy: Kevin Federline – professional sperm donor/unemployed dancer
Parenting Skills:

• Does not like to properly use safety seats/high chairs
• Drops children
• Wants to bleach her babies’ teeth
• Being investigated for child abuse
• Recently investigated for animal abuse
• Recent trip to rehab
• Flashes private parts
• Car accident
• Late night partying
• Strange, revealing unmatching outfits
• Apparently promiscuous
  
• Started dating a man while he had a pregnant girlfriend
• Reports of drug use including cocaine and ecstasy
• Reports of excessive drinking and possibly some drinking while pregnant
  

Dina Lohan
Age: 44
Claim to fame: Pimping out her daughter to the movie industry
Net Worth: Whatever she makes off her daughter's dying career
Baby daddy: Michael Lohan – serial felon, substance abuser, now works for God
Parenting Skills:

• Does not obey court order to allow father to see children
• Daughter in rehab 3 times this year following 2 DUIs and cocaine possession
• New boyfriend is a drunk and a rapist
• Habitual liar and manipulator
• Puts money before children’s welfare – daughter is cash cow
• Uses cocaine
• Had 6 DUIs
• Crashed her car and left the scene
• Was recently seen at Kobe club in a"really short dress and boots," A guy sitting next to Dina was "all over her." "Dina had a napkin in her lap and hiked up her dress," the source says. "The guy put his hand under her napkin . . . It went on for like five minutes."
• Supposedly drinks and does drugs with her daughter.
• Has been seen out partying with her underage daughter.
• Lied about being a former Rockette
• Speaks openly to the press about personal family items and often does not make sense and/or is in a serious state of denial
  

Middle School Art Project

LOST DOG

HAVE YOU SEEN HER?

Age: 3 in dog years
Weight: Anorexic
Eyed: Dilated
Coat: Spotted/Freckled
Breed: Freckle-Bellied Cokewhore Terrier

My dog was last seen on the morning of July 24, 2007 chasing cars in Santa Monica. She will answer to the call of: Lilo, L Squared, Lo Hoe and Dime Bags, 2 for 10 dollars. She was also last seen carrying her favorite boys: a little white bag we call her “doggy bag” ad her favorite black ankle bracelet. Please come home!

MISSING

If you have any information, please call. All the change in my couch will be offered for the information leading to the safe return of my dog.

Glad I'm Not Her. Really.

The other day Dino covered Lindsay Lohan's upcoming article in Elle where she talks about how she's super responsible and stuff and would never drink and drive. Now there's a video of her interview where you can hear the coke drip down the back of her throat while she's trying to conjure up some big words to describe how she would love to design bags. Coke baggies, maybe. Handbags - I think not.
That Lindsay Lohan. So eclectic and evolving. Like OMG. Her new movie is super duper totally scary. You know what else is scary? Her parents.

Lohan's former bodyguard of three years, Tony Almeida, says neither Dina nor Michael Lohan provided any structure for Lindsay when she was growing up and that both were wild, abusive, neglectful partiers who needed to keep their "cash cow" daughter working to pay their bills. Almeida, who worked for Lindsay from 2002 to 2005, told the new issue of In Touch, "From a young age, she dealt with her father's physical, emotional and drug abuses as well as her mother's drinking."

Once, when Lindsay was 16, Michael flew into a rage while driving and "slammed on the brakes and dragged her out of the car, pushed her up against the hood, screamed at her and called her a slut. This was on the Long Island Expressway! I got in the middle of it and pulled him off." Meanwhile, Dina often "let her do whatever she wanted, just to keep her happy and working . . . [At her 16th birthday party] Lindsay drank whatever she wanted - I saw her drinking beer and mixed drinks with my own eyes [without Dina's intervention]."As Lindsay's manager, Dina - who was desperate to become a star herself - received 10 percent of her income. "Lindsay was the family cash cow - and she resented it," Almeida claims. "They counted on her to pay their bills . . . I saw Lindsay exhausted, begging her mother for some time off."

Young Lindsay's parents looked the other way as she began a life of boozing, boys and drugs. When she was 15, they allowed her to share a room with her then-14-year-old boyfriend, Aaron Carter, at Loews in Miami Beach. Almeida relates, "They knew Lindsay was sleeping in Aaron's room. But they seemed happy she had chosen somebody who could benefit her singing career. By age 18, Lindsay had moved on to harder substances. Almeida recalls walking in on her and another celebrity in a closet at a club one night as they sniffed white powder. The ex-bodyguard also claims Lindsay cried out for help for years by cutting herself and threatening suicide.

Isn't that rich? Really though, just because your parents let you sleep with a guy to advance your music career then pull you out of a car on the highway to call you a slut and then get you totally boozed up and let you move out as long as you're paying their bills doesn't give you a free pass to drunk drive your way into crackheadland.

LaLa Spoke To Soon

Lindsay Lohan's words are eerie.

Honestly, like 45 seconds before her arrest, she opened up about her first rehab stint, Calum Best (some model dude), caretakers and idols in Elle magazine's September issue. The interview took place 36 hours before her arrest in May on suspicion of driving under the influence.

After that arrest, Lohan, who turned 21 on July 2, entered Malibu's Promises rehab center, which she left July 13 after completing a 45-day program. She was arrested July 24 and booked on suspicion of felony cocaine possession, misdemeanor DUI and driving with a suspended license. Lohan's lawyer, Blair Berk, says the actress is getting treatment. Some highlights from Elle:

•Her January rehab stint. "I was glad I went, because I needed to get away from everyone. … And I learned a lot there."

•Saying "I'll never do …" "You're setting yourself up for a disaster. I never say never."

•Who takes care of her. "Jenni (Munro, one of her assistants), my mom and Leslie (Sloane-Zelnick, her publicist)."

•Relationship with British model Calum Best. "He's me in male form. We're very similar. Stubborn, rebellious, very smart, coy, a little bit narcissistic."

•Whom she relates to in Hollywood. "Ann-Margret. Marilyn Monroe. … Marilyn exudes sex appeal. She was such an innocent sort. … That was the tragic side of it."

Now, if she could only get pregnant, all her problems would melt away. Just ask Nicole.

[source]

Celebrity Deathmatch 12: Rob Schneider vs. White Oprah

Remember last week when Rob Schneider went on the Tonight Show dressed as Lindsay Lohan?

Well Momma Lohan was none too pleased and fired off a statement: "We have a great respect for Jay Leno but we are disappointed in the path he chose to allow a guest to make light of a very serious situation concerning Lindsay," Dina told Access Hollywood's Billy Bush.

Now the celebrity bitch fight is in full effect. Rob Schneider told PEOPLE:

"When Mrs. Lohan stops partying with her child, then I'll have an ounce of respect for her."
"I don't care if her parents are both crummy – you cannot blame your parents anymore. She's not a kid. Lindsay, get it together, America will forgive you but you gotta do something positive with your life," Schneider adds. "I hope she does okay but at a certain point, there's so many bigger problems in the world than Lindsay Lohan. I hope she gets her head out of her nice, cute little rear end and finds a life for herself. She's very talented, and a special little actress but there are so many people out there who'd trade positions with her in a heartbeat and use it better than she is."

Lala Laughing Stalk

Defamer reports that at a screening of the Lindsay Lohan film I Know Who Killed Me, the audience erupted into laughter during a scene where Lindsay’s character gets hit in the face with a shovel-- a scene meant to be terrifying.

HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHA

I'd feel badly for her, however, when you endanger innocent lives by driving a HUGE white GMC truck while drunk and high on cocaine... well, as far as I'm concerned, you're an IDIOT. No sympathy from me my friend.

Denial Denial, I Love You Denial....

For most people, two trips to rehab, a car accident and two incidences involving cocaine found in your property in less than a year would likely be rock bottom. Apparently for Lindsay Lohan, it isn't. After yesterday's DUI her lawyer fired off this statement:

"Addiction is a terrible and vicious disease. Since Lindsay transitioned to outpatient care, she has been monitored on a SCRAM bracelet and tested daily in order to support her sobriety. Throughout this period, I have received timely and accurate reports from the testing companies. Unfortunately, late yesterday I was informed that Lindsay had relapsed. The bracelet has now been removed. She is safe, out of custody and presently receiving medical care."

Now here's Lindsay's statement to Access Hollywood's Billy Bush:

"Yes. I am innocent... did not do drugs they're not mine. I was almost hit by my assistant Tarin's mom. I appreciate everyone giving me my privacy."

Would you like an extra side order of denial to go with your already extra-denialy denial casserole? It's only an additional 50 cents. Lindsay and her lawyer can't even get their stories straight. Lawyer says Lindsay is an addict. Lindsay says she doesn't do drugs and the drugs aren't hers. She was framed. The drugs weren't hers, she's innocent and now she's going to dedicate her life to finding the REAL owner of the drugs. And let me guess, a ghost entered her body and made her fail the field sobriety test. It was someone else's alcohol in your system too, right. It sucks that she was so coked up and drunk that she forgot about the coke in her pocket and failed to swallow it on the way to the police station. She even sucks at being a crackhead. Since she couldn't go on the Tonight Show they brought in the next best thing - Rob Schneider in drag as Lindsay Lohan.

It's Not Deja Vu!

Lindsay Lohan was busted for DUI again after she was involved in some weird, late-night car chase with an Escalade. Police also found drugs on her...again. There are conflicting reports as to what the white powdery substance really is - opiates or cocaine. Judging by the mug shot pupils my money is on cocaine.

Lindsay had been wearing a non-court ordered alcohol monitoring bracelet which was obviously for attention because really, how is an alcohol monitoring anklet useful if it's not backed up by a court order? It’s missing the element of consequence. Completely. All she had to do was NOT drive. It’s that simple. Bitch belongs on VH1’s Rock of Love:

Lindsay Got Off

The Los Angeles County District Attorney will not charge Lindsay Lohan with a DUI today after her accident at 5:30am on May 27th, when she lost control of her Mercedes SL-65 and crashed into a curb in Beverly Hills. Lindsay, then 20 years old, was speeding and had nearly twice the legal amount of alcohol in her system. Tests later revealed that Lohan had used cocaine that night, according to Us Weekly. A police spokesman said a "usable amount" of cocaine was found at the scene, but not specifically on Lohan. She fled the scene of the accident and was tracked down at a local hospital receiving treatment for very minor injuries. Lindsay turned herself in yesterday afternoon around 3:00pm and was released in about one hour. She has yet to be charged with a crime, but TMZ says:

In an email to TMZ, the spokesperson for the DA told us to "Check back on Monday."

She went back yesterday and turned herself into police. She was fingerprinted and released on her own recognisance. Honest to God, what the fuck does that mean? No, Lindsay, it's coo! Just go ahead and nearly kill someone. Play it off by going to "rehab" for a few days. Come back and then head to court... where they'll tell you, "Hey, Lindsay. Listen girl, we know you're famous and your life is like REALLY hard. So, I'll tell you what. Enjoy your weekend, and come back on Monday! BTW, can I get your autograph for my little girl? She LOVED you in Parent Trap!"

It's cool. [source]

She's baaaaack...

So...Lindsay Lohan just turned 21 and was simultaneously released from rehab (although I thought she was extending her stay). What's a girl to do? Why not party everyday in Malibu!!! Lindsay has been out and about partying but she's technically at a house and not a club so she's like totally rehabilitated. Look at this face - this is a face of sobriety: I think the only thing she gained from rehab is 12 pounds and the beginning of an extra chin. Mean.

Birthday ALARM

Actress Lindsay Lohan is 21.

Actor Robert Ito (Quincy ) is 76.
Actress Polly Holliday (Alice ) is 70.
Actor Ron Silver (West Wing,Veronica's Closet ) is 61.
Writer-director Larry David (Curb Your Enthusiasm,Seinfeld ) is 60.
Keyboardist Roy Bittan of the E Street Band is 58.
Model-actress Jerry Hall is 51.
Actor Jimmy McNichol is 46.
Bassist Dave Parsons of Bush is 42.
Actress Yancy Butler (Witchblade ) is 37.
Singer Michelle Branch is 24.
Actress Vanessa Lee Chester (The Lost World: Jurassic Park ) is 23.
Actress Ashley Tisdale (High School Musical ) is 22.

FUN FACT: On this day in 2005, ten Live 8 concerts were held around the world in an attempt to force G8 countries to address poverty.

Lindsay Lohan's Bodyguard Tells All - Quits Job After Coked-Up Lindsay Attacks Gun-Wielding Beverly Hills Drug Dealer – Apparently Job too Dangerous

The crazed world of cokehead Lindsay Lohan is blown wide open by the burly bodyguard who quit looking after her... because it was too DANGEROUS. Lee Weaver has told of his two years of hell with the stroppy starlet as the News of the World reveals yet more worrying pictures of Lindsay — this time wasted in her squalid bedroom. Weaver, 48, tells how the 20-year-old Mean Girls star:

ATTACKED a gun-wielding cocaine dealer for ripping her off.

SNORTED line after line with Simple Life star Nicole Richie in a TEN-HOUR binge.

SLASHED her wrists with knives, sobbing that she "didn't belong on this planet".

ENJOYED frenzied lesbian romps with scores of girls she picked up at parties — and even made a play for chart star Mariah Carey.

Here's the fun story:

"I have looked after some of the wildest stars in Hollywood — but never anyone as out of control as Lindsay is," says Lee, 48. "She had a total death wish and took more drugs and drank more than anyone I've met. "I lost count of the times I thought she was overdosing and had to carry her out of parties. Every morning I'd breathe a sigh of relief she was still alive." Lee spoke out after seeing our pictures of drunken Lindsay last week, pretending to cut a pal's throat with a kitchen knife. But any weapon — even a gun — doesn't faze her if she's gagging for cocaine. "In April she asked me to take her to her dealer in Beverly Hills. I knew if I refused she'd go alone — so I took her.

"He was waiting for her in some bushes. Suddenly she started screaming and punching him for selling her short. "He pulled a gun. I got out and he threatened to shoot me unless I got her to back off — but she kept hitting him. Luckily he got distracted and I punched him down. "I dragged Lindsay into the car and drove off but she was screaming at me to go back. It was like Pulp Fiction. I knew then she was just too dangerous to be around." Lee reveals how he often drove Lindsay to join her pal Nicole Richie, 24, for cocaine binges. "Nobody was as wild as Lindsay," he says. "But Nicole came close. Sometimes Paris Hilton would be there but the most I saw her do was drink and strip.

"One night Lindsay and Nicole were making trip after trip to the bathroom — she wouldn't snort in front of me because she knew I'd get mad. "But the more wasted they got the less she cared. In the end they carried in a mirror from the bedroom, laid it on the coffee table and emptied a mountain of coke onto it. They went at the stuff with straws, hoovering it all up then piling more on. "I tried to tell Lindsay to stop but she just told me it was cool. After ten hours I'd had enough and threatened to throw the mirror out of the window. I had to carry her out to the car." But that was no surprise — Lee had been carrying her home since first night he began working for her. His first job was to take her to a party in Beverly Hills. "She'd been snorting all night," he recalls. "As soon as they walked into the party she was snorting more. She got on the coffee table and danced, flinging her dress above her head, her eyes rolling about all over the place. "I told the guy providing the drugs to stop and he just said, ‘No way, Lindsay will go berserk'. Then she started screaming at people and swinging her fists around at anyone near her. "At the start of the night she seemed such a fun-loving, angelic girl but under the influence of drugs she was psychotic. It was 10.30am the next day by the time I carried her to bed."

And when she wasn't snorting coke, she was snogging GIRLS. "She used boys for drugs and girls for thrills," says Lee. "I lost count of the women she took back to her hotel room from clubs. "I even saw her try to grope Mariah Carey's bottom and boobs one night as they danced. One time I went to look for her in a club bathroom and found her in the corner French-kissing a girl." When she wasn't snogging them she was just as likely to attack them. One night, paranoid Lindsay went for blonde actress Jessica Simpson in a club. Lee says: "Jessica was sat with her pals and Lindsay became convinced she was shooting her dirty looks. "She jumped over the table and dived at Jessica pulling her hair out. I had to pull her off her."

As Lindsay spiralled more and more out of control she started to self-harm, cutting her wrists with a knife. "One night I looked at her hands and wrists and noticed they had bright red wounds all over them," says Lee. "She tried to tell me she had fallen but when I looked her in the eyes and demanded to know the truth she just broke down. "She told me, ‘I don't belong on this planet any more'. She said she cut herself because she did not think life was worth living. "The pictures in your paper of her fooling with knives show how disturbing her behavior is." So do today's pictures taken of her partying in her messy booze-littered room, half-dressed, looking painfully thin and spaced out. They emerge just weeks after Lindsay went into rehab for the second time in six months after crashing her Mercedes into a tree.

Lee — who earned £1,500 a week as her bodyguard — is now writing his memoirs about the years he spent minding stars, including Kim Basinger, Brad Pitt, Eddie Murphy, Pamela Anderson, Jamie Foxx and Hollywood's most infamous drug addict Robert Downey Jr. But the minder, who also tells of his adventures on his website leetweaver.com, says Lindsay was the biggest handful of all of them. "I'd never even heard of her when I was asked to do the job. She was only 18 but guarding her was a nightmare and the stress it put me under was unbearable. "I would pray every night she wouldn't kill herself on my watch. "I desperately hope she stops doing drugs but I fear that will only happen when either she kills someone else with her reckless ways — or kills herself."

What a mess.

Blind Vices with Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan deciding to drive her car into a curb and take a trip to rehab mysteriously directly correlates to my level of boredom. In the spirit of this enigma, I decided to entertain myself by digging up some old blind vices about Morgan Mayhem aka Lindsay Lohan. Really, after Linday's current events, these stories are more like 20/20 vision vices. Enjoy:

We all know bod goons are paid to protect the overly watched frames of the celebs who employ them. Most times, these bossy gorillas are très busy trying to keep pesky paps away or simply shooing starstruck autograph seekers. Occasionally, these walking barricades even help carry celebs' purses or pups. Too cute! Not this, though: The security staff utilized by one Morgan Mayhem (a repeat offender in the naughty narrative known as the Blind Vice archive) is far more, uh, hands-on. See, Morg's men protect way more than her bitchin' bod. They also keep more than a hawklike eye on her damn drug stash. Picture it: a swanky Hollywood hotel, known for its crazy parties and late-night flings. A very nearly has-been actor is escorting two lovely ladies to a friend's room upstairs. Said gray-haired type accidentally happens into the wrong suite at a very inopportune time. Morgan is alone in the room, 'cept for her coke stash and bodyguards. And one particularly helpful guard is choppin' up lines for Miz M. Now, that's stellar service! And even though M2 was gettin' blown all alone, she ain't happy about the company. Has-been actor offers a hello. "Who are they?" demands M., who's known to hate pretty gals who dare get anywhere near her sleep-deprived vicinity. "This is my room, and my coke!" bitches Morgan. "Get out." Geez, Morg. Didn't anyone teach you to share? And heaven knows it wouldn't hurt you (or your nose) to cut back.

Once upon a time, there was a talented young lass by the name of Morgan Mayhem. Oh, could she act! She was such a good performer that bitchy rivals simmered with green-eyed jealousy. But one day, a big bad she-wolf in Kitson duds named Coco Cocaine came along. She seduced Morgan with her overly vibrant, come-hither eyes--prettier than Wentworth Miller's, even--and then, suddenly, the big fat studio pigs were very, very sad. Okay, hold on. This is Hell-Ay; the pigs aren't heartbroken exactly. They're just plain disgusted and scared for their precious beaucoup-bucks accounts. Darlings, Ms. Mayhem has become the hottest li'l liability in Tinseltown. "Studios were all but in love with her," blabs one über-connected Armani clad producer. "But she's so unstable that everyone's becoming afraid to hire her. Her behavior on the set of Jump, Jive and High Five! is still talked about. She was beyond "distracted," for myriad reasons. At this point, Armani wearer makes air quotes with his hands and rolls his eyes, sucking back the rest of an overpriced designer something or other. "And we all know what that means." Oy, oy, boy. I wish there were something I could do to help ol' Morgan out. The problem is that she's about as solid and reliable as a sponge. Stick her with serious, stable, Oscar-hoarding types, and she'll transform into a Jodie Foster. But plop this babe in a Bel-Air frat-house crowd and, well, she'll be first in line for body shots. The solution is obvious. Ya stick the sponge in the desert and let it dry out. 'Course, first, you'd have to convince her to go. Not an easy task.

Morgan Mayhem, consider yourself warned! Gal-friend, those unpredictable ways have gotten you into trouble in myriad areas of your life, but now it seems your social-butterfly status is in serious jeopardy, too. Hid-eee-us, I know. See, there's this über-exclusive boîte of fabulousness here in Tinseltown that certain celebs consider their personal playground. The door at said joint is tighter than Nicole Kidman's forehead and has turned away highly celebrated, professional partiers without batting a stoic eye. But not Morg, of course. She's nevah had a problem getting into exclusive places. Also, there's always packs of paps following Morg who are bound to snap her leaving such swanky locales. So, owners are usually happy to have M2 hangin' out. But the owner of the former spot ain't so thrilled anymore. First off, he's already received wrist slaps and warnings from police for allowing other questionable antics to go down, as it were, at his establishment (which really should look a bit more fab considering the loot this guy poured into it). And secondly, Morg's not just hittin' the snowy slopes anymore. She's got a newer, dirtier drug of choice. And it's becoming painfully obvious. "She's behaving like a monster," says one of my super-inside (and relatively sober) sources. Not only does M.M. pick fights with other patrons, sashay out of stalls with her sniffer covered in powder and even pass out in them, now she's takin' to doin' the girl-on-girl thang not so discreetly in these dark hangs! Love the last sin, which, natch, ain't, but I'll just go along with my republican detractors for a sec and pretend like is it, 'kay? Oh, girl, for gawd's sake, get it together! Your career, sex appeal and hetero status (big whoop!) are going down the toilet as we type.

Running With Knives

News of the World acquired some pictures of Lindsay Lohan and a “friend” playing with knives and we’re apparently supposed to be shocked and scared. They forgot to mention that “friend” is probably Vanessa Minnillo and if anything, I’m a little turned on. A few shots of Vanessa out earlier that night in the same outfit. Getting sexy with girls must run in the Miss Teen USA family!

***UPDATE*** It's confirmed - on her free time, Vanessa likes to play with knives with Lindsay Lohan

Rehab is the new Black

You know this is some media bullshit that some PR person pieced together.

"Friend Says Lindsay Lohan Is 'Happy' in Rehab."

Bullshit. No one is happy in rehab. That's why you go to rehab, retard.

Now that I write the word rehab more and more, it's beginning to look less and less like a real word.

Anyhow, the article from People.com continues the charade by saying, "'She's happy where she is and is just taking time to herself to learn and be okay,' stylist friend Nate Newell told PEOPLE at Wednesday's Los Angeles opening of the flagship Diesel store on Melrose Place. "I've been in touch with her and she likes it." After a weekend of partying following her DUI citation, Lohan checked into Promises treatment center in Malibu on Memorial Day."

Nothing beats talking about your friend who's in rehab at the opening of the NEW DIESEL STORE!!! WHOO HOOO.

Newsflash, Nate Newell. Diesel clothes are no longer cool - trust me, I worked there - overexposure killed Diesel. Perhaps Lohan shares the same fate.

[source]

Lolita Blohan: A Tragedy

Don't be fooled by the red circles. The picture above does look a lot like Bjork's new album art, where she's dressed up in clown makeup. No friends, this is Lolita Blohan, and I'm simply highlighting all the signs that Ms. Blohan is riding the cocaine train...
1) The eyes. They're completely bloodshot and show signs of little sleep.
2) The red dot on her nose. I assume her nose is falling off due to extended cocaine use. It's burning a whole right on through. and
3) Her mouth. That subtle downward slant of the smile is a clear indication that she's flying high like Jimi Hendrix on a magic carpet ride.

After spending 30 days in rehab earlier in the year, Lolita emerged glowing, and although it was simply a really nice spray-tan, the public was convinced that this Hollywood Skanklet had cleaned up her act. On the contrary.

She's going back to rehab, and this time it's going to be different! You’re going to Promises! YAY! That's like totally where Britney went and look at her now!!

BTW, did you all catch the photos of Lolita falling and all passed out inside that car over the weekend? Classy gal.

Paula Abdul Breaks Nose After Tripping Over Her Fat Ass Chihuahua which is ironically also known as "The Smallest Breed of Dog in The World"

One of these 4 stories was undeniably a freak accident.

Guess the freak accident:

Paula Abdul broke her nose over the weekend after she fell while trying to avoid stepping on her Chihuahua, her publicist said Monday. "I took a nasty fall ... trying not to hurt my dog. I bruised myself on my arm ... my chest, my waist all the way down to my hip. All from my little chubby Tulip," Abdul said. No dogs were injured during the incident.

This is like the time Lindsay Lohan was preparing breakfast with eggs and everything that she was going up the stairs carrying a ceramic teacup. She had just come out of the shower so she was still wet and had some lotion on and she completely slipped on the stairs since it was slippery. The teacup went flying, it shattered and one of the pieces cut Lindsay forcing her to go to the ER. Or the time David Hasselhoff had surgery after severing a tendon in his right arm in a freak accident in a London gym bathroom when he was shaving and hit his head on a chandelier, showering his arm with broken glass. Or the time I accidentally superglued my eye shut trying to fix an acrylic nail while talking on the phone and they had to cut off my eyelashes and slice my eye back open then scrape the contact off my eye (because it was also superglued to my eye) so I ended up spending the night in the hospital on morphine and had to wear an eye patch for a few weeks.

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall...give me the most scathing review of them all...

I read this article today in the NY Post gossip section. I have to say that comparing Lindsay Lohan to a Flavor of Love girl's turd is brilliant. If I had more time in my life, I'd write articles like this...Enjoy:

LOHAN DIRTY SHAME

'GEORGIA' MARKS BOTTOM OF HER SPECTACULAR FALL

EVEN in America, where the definition of a "star" has now been stretched far enough to include someone who poops herself on "Flavor of Love," Lindsay Lohan is pushing it. Although the 20-year-old actress still graces the covers of magazines and gets invited to the right parties, Lohan's career is currently in the middle of a three-year freefall. Her last hit came way back in 2004 with "Mean Girls." If Derek Jeter struck out this often, he'd be playing Class A ball in Missouri and dating Wilford Brimley.

What makes her recent nosedive so disheartening (ironically, Lohan recently got a tattoo of her lucky number 7 on her neck - craps!) is that Lindsay once showed promise. After winning performances in "The Parent Trap" and "Freaky Friday," she was anointed the Next Big Thing. Sure, she may have had tendencies to stay out too late or swill vodka out of a water bottle, but those were forgiven because she wasn't just some vapid, talentless party girl, like Paris Hilton. Lohan had substance, supposedly. "I'm more worried about Britney than Lindsay, because I think Lindsay is a serious actress," Stevie Nicks, who knows a thing or two about vodka in a water bottle, muses in the latest issue of Blender. Stevie, get ready to worry.

Lohan's new movie, "Georgia Rule," opening tomorrow, has critics throwing around the most poisonous, the most hateful word in the entire vocabulary of a movie writer: the "G" word. "G" as in "Gigli," the 2003 Ben Affleck-Jennifer Lopez film that was so abysmal, it gave anyone who saw it a stroke. In "Georgia Rule," Lohan plays a rebellious teen who's set straight after spending the summer with her tough-love grandmother (Jane Fonda). The only other thing you need to know is that there's a sexual molestation subplot that's played for laughs. Associated Press critic Christy Lemire called the Lohan vehicle "epically awful," and says the film is "chock-full of dysfunctional family clichés - a hodgepodge of histrionics that's just painfully shrill to endure."

The critical and public receptions for "Rule" may make the actress wistful for the days when she was riding high atop the $17 million smash "Lucky You." "Spider-Man 3" made more than that on Twizzler sales at one theater. Regardless of its box office, Lohan's latest will probably best be remembered for its on-set troubles. This is the movie that led Morgan Creek Productions CEO James G. Robinson to write Lohan a nasty letter, calling her "discourteous, irresponsible and unprofessional," after she was frequently late for work.

But tardiness is nothing compared to what Lohan's apparently been up to since then. After a short stint in rehab earlier this year that appeared to be more for show than anything else, the actress has reportedly been partying hard enough to blow Britney's wig off. This week alone, she showed up at the Met Costume Institute Gala wearing a see-through top that showed off her ever-fluctuating bust size, and on Sunday the News of the World printed photos allegedly showing her snorting cocaine in a Hollywood nightclub bathroom. More people saw that than "Bobby" and "A Prairie Home Companion" combined.

"Lohan is running the risk of becoming famous for being famous, with all her exploits," says Chad Hartigan, a box-office analyst at Exhibitor Relations, an entertainment research company. "Everyone always says there's no such thing as bad publicity, but then the studio is left scratching its head when 'Mission: Impossible 3' [starring nutty Scientologist Tom Cruise] doesn't do well. I do think there's such as thing as bad publicity." If "Georgia" fails to rule, Lohan should forget going to Mom for guidance. The only advice hard-partying "she's my daughter, she's my sister!" Dina - who touts herself as the "white Oprah"(um..more like ORANGE Oprah) - would give probably involves Jager.

Instead, Lindsay should try to regroup by taking a few years off and going to college. That strategy helped turn former child stars such as Natalie Portman into successful adult stars. There's always that Internet school University of Phoenix. It's not prestigious, but at least its keggers are only virtual.

Almost As Vague As Their Blind Items

From PageSix:

Lindsay Lohan just can't seem to stop partying - and, unluckily for her, word on the street is that someone may have recorded her revelry with a cellphone video camera. We can't divulge what Lohan was allegedly caught doing, but if true, it won't sit well with her younger fans. Apparently, all the naughtiness went down last week at a party at a private house in Beverly Hills that was also attended by her frenemy Paris Hilton, shipping heir Stavros Niarchos and Ryan Seacrest. At one point, the party was disrupted by a huge rat that ran into several rooms, causing revelers to scream, drop their drinks and run, until Niarchos kicked the rodent out onto a balcony. A rep for Lohan told Page Six, "I have not heard of this."

Like are they talking about rat as in actual rodent or rat as in slang. Truthfully, rat as in a person who betrays others by denouncing to the authorities almost makes more sense to me in this case. Unless I’m just completely oblivious to Beverly Hills’ rampant rodent infestation. The thought of this is hilarious. As to Lohan’s crime - survey says: I think maybe giving head or making out with her lesbo DJ friend. Although I’m not totally ruling out lines of coke. However, the “younger fan” and “naughtiness” wording makes me tend to think it’s something sexual, not drug-related. What are your thoughs?