You'd think she would start getting sick of wearing all these sailor outfits and retro stuff. I'm beginning to feel like I did when Madonna couldn't put down the purple leotard. P.S. who's that dude in the lower right hand corner? Oy.
Are those bananas tied around her waist?
I thought there were 5 of them. God, they're mulitplying.
Elton and 
Here are some screen shots from and animated ID for MTV, created by Uncooked. Beginning its life as a greeting card company ( i have a soft spot for those with greeting card skillz), shifting to developing a line of baby clothes then turning ad agency, Uncooked has developed 11 animated IDs for MTV that follow the company's original greeting card sense of style and humor. It's not everyday a gretting card company goes to work for MTV and this time the work is actually good. Check it out here. Another Hollywood bustup. Boo-freakin'-hoo. Excuse me if I'm not exactly cryin' into my hanky. In this town, where relationships last about as long as lunchtime Botox sessions, peeps who manage to stay together are the real newsworthy ones, don't you all think? Anyhow, I never really thought Pete Poked and Charmaine Chuck-Up were such hot 'n' heavy lovebirds in the first place.
I mean, you can't place your Prius in a spot that's already taken, can you? 'Course not! Kinda like how Char-love couldn't possibly be the stylish ride of choice for Petey's daredevil desires, 'cause he's already had a serious shotgun boyfriend for quite sometime. Yes, that's right: Just like Toothy and so many of the friggin' rest of 'em, P2 likes the boys, not the girls--no matter how thin or pretty or pouty they may be.
I'm told this par-tick tight boyish twosome enjoys sportin' weekend jaunts to the mountains, where they can hit the slopes and canoodle by candlelight far, far away from those pesky papa-Nazis. Wonder if Charmaine recently found out about these little snowy va-cays and went berserk, hence their recent bustup? Or maybe she knew about them all along and is just dumping him now that her face has become so gaunt, she can't even fake the fake no more? Note to snitty types: Eat! Or your emoting capabilities nosedive, as it were. It's not:
I think it's either Kate and Orlando OR Justin and Cameron, eh?
Actor Henry Thomas (E.T.) is 35.
Comedian Sid Caesar is 84.
Ventriloquist Willie Tyler (with Lester) is 66.
Actor Alan Feinstein is 65.
Singer Aimee Mann is 46.
Actor David Arquette is 35.
Actor Martin Freeman (The Office) is 35.
Drummer Richard Hughes of Keane is 31.
Actor Larenz Tate is 31.
Singer Pink is 27.
Actor Jonathan Taylor Thomas (Home Improvement) is 25.
Lindsay Lohan was robbed...and I'm not talking about "of real talent." Someone swiped her orange Hermes bag off her luggage cart at London's Heathrow airport. The bag contained up somewhere around $1 million worth of jewelry, her asthma medicine and probably her cigarettes and illegal drugs. I'm sure she was just too fucked up to notice someone stealing her purse from in front of her face. Lindsay's materialistic ass is extremely upset about the theft and she is begging for the items to be returned. She doesn't care how she gets them back, she just wants them back. Aw, shucks Lindsay...karma sucks, huh? You know this just gives her an excuse to go shopping and her new, rich boyfriend to buy her more jewelry. 
In a strange change of heart, I feel like I need to give K-Fed some credit. While I still think he should change his lyrics to "this is the hip hop flavor mixed with a little bit of poop," considering the current hip-hop/rap masterpieces of pure feces and vomit such as "Does your Chain Hang Low" and "Chicken Noodle Soup," K-Fed isn't half bad. Now remember, this is all based on relative terms. Judge for yourself:
Bad:
Worse:
Worst:
Prada has covered the entire spiritual gamut with customers including both the devil and the Pope. I can't blame the Pope for wearing Prada shoes - they are generally practical and incredibly comfortable. Pope Benedict XVI's inner fashionista is at it again with this wild red hat called a 'saturno.' 
It matches his favorite red Prada loafers....although I can't see it going well with his Gucci shades.
This isn't the first time the Pope has stepped out in a fancy red hat. Last winter, he resurrected the 'camauro', a red velvet hat with white fur trimming which he wore with a red cape. Unfortunately this fashion choice made him look like a clean-shaven Santa Claus. So what's next for the Pope and his wacky fashion sense? His cross is already blingin' so who knows...maybe he'll add some rims to the Pope-mobile...definitely spinners. 
[source]
Xine first coined the phrase, "anglo-asian" and lo and behold, Gallery of the Absurd captured the idea on canvas, albeit I think this one's a little more anglo-elvis-asian.
Ok, we're now officially done with this.
Clay Aiken has been appointed to serve on the President's Committee for People with Intellectual Disabilities. Sometimes the jokes just write themselves. How would you like to play along at home, dear reader? Here's a little mix-and-match game! Choose any or all of these related topics, and use them to write your own joke:
a.) the happy marriage of George Bush and Intellectual Disabilities
b.) the happy non-binding civil union of Clay Aiken and Intellectual Disabilities
c.) Paula Abdul's affair with Intellectual Disabilities and subsequent divorce from reality
d.) the incontrovertible fact that many special needs workers are lesbians (see also: Clay Aiken's haircut)
e.) bareback gay porn (because that's always funny)
Enjoy!
[source--thanks Ryan!]
I'll admit that the "Suri Cruise doesn't exist" conspiracy theories are a bit ridiculous, but you have to admit that Tom Cruise knocking Katie up like one month after he met her and started his couch-jumping shenanigans is a little suspicious. Contrary to popular belief, getting prego is not as easy as one would think. Aside from the fact the penis actually has to enter the vagina, there is only an itty bitty window of opportunity each month for Tom's tadpoles to befriend Katie's lone, lingering egg. Apparently that window was accidentally left open during an early-relationship thunderstorm. However, the window managed to stay closed during Tom’s 2 year-long relationship with the ultimate beard Penelope Cruz, the almost ten year-long marriage to Nicole Kidman and his other marriage to that Mimi person (Rodgers, not Carey obviously). Interesting. Yesterday the Xenu Warror Princess made her debut in Vanity Fair magazine. Tom and Kate were hoping the revelation of Suri would put an end to the conspiracy theories. Yesterday we posted a few possible sperm donors the couple might’ve turned to. Since our DNA lab is still down due to renovation, we’re presenting you with a few more baby daddy options today. 
Ok, I'm officially over Tom, Katie and their anglo-asian baby. These two are crazier than Pete Doherty on a Saturday night and more boring than this year's VMAs. I wonder what celebrity baby is going to take Suri's short-lived spotlight.... hmmmm...isn't Brit Brit about to pop out another Feder-spawn?
Model Angie Everhart is 37.
Singer Gloria Gaynor is 57.
Singer Chrissie Hynde of The Pretenders is 55.
Actress Julie Kavner (The Simpsons) is 55.
Actor Corbin Bernsen is 52.
Singer Margot Chapman (Starland Vocal Band) is 49.
Saxophonist Leroi Moore of the Dave Matthews Band is 45.
Actor W. Earl Brown (Deadwood) is 43.
Actor Tom Everett Scott (Saved) is 36.
Actress Shannon Elizabeth (American Pie) is 33.
Actor Devon Sawa (Slackers) is 28.
Tom Cruise and Kate Holmes thought that by unveiling their miracle baby to the world, the rumors and speculation would stop. Isn’t that silly? So there’s a baby – now we just throw away the “Suri doesn’t exist” rumors and move further into the realm of “Tom isn’t really the father.” Since Celebrity Hijinx’s DNA lab is closed due to a renovation, we can only provide you with a side-by-side comparison of Suri and some possible sperm donors. Who do you think Suri resembles most: Kate's ex-fiance Chris Klein, Keanu Reeves, Richard Gere, anonymous alien, Elvis or Tom Cruise?
Maybe Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard? 
Kasabian, a band that no one I know has ever heard of, have attacked Justin Timberlake, calling him "a midget with whiskers who is trying to be black". Um... WTF?
[source]
Rapper Foxy Brown is 27.
Singer-bassist Roger Waters (Pink Floyd) is 63.
Comedian-actress Jane Curtin is 59.
Country singer Buddy Miller is 54.
Actor-comedian Jeff Foxworthy is 48.
Actor-comedian Michael Winslow (Police Academy) is 48.
News correspondent Elizabeth Vargas is 44.
Actress Rosie Perez is 42.
Singer CeCe Peniston is 37.
Singer Macy Gray is 36.
Singer Dolores O'Riordan of The Cranberries is 35.
Bootleg pictures of the Vanity Fair shoot featuring Suri Cruise are here:
Yes folks, this is the baby that will be known as Suri Cruise for the rest of her life. Poor, sweet little thing. While I can't tell whether she's part Asian, an alien or a robot...I can say that she looks like she already hit up Jessica Simpson for some hair extensions. That is one full head of hair! Is Elvis the biological father? [source]
Here's a clearer picture of Suri and her baby toupee:
Lindsay Lohan's rich-ass boyfriend of like three weeks recently made a pit-stop at Cartier before their little trip to Hawaii. Was he buying an engagment ring? 
Lindsay and Harry attended the premier of her new movie "Bobby" in Venice, Italy today and she has a suspicious looking ring on a certain finger. Whatever the status of their relationship, I give it about another three months. Why do the good guys always go for the trash?
Geri Halliwell has complained to police that her 3-month-old daughter was abused. The singer's complaint was about "an incident concerning her daughter Bluebell Madonna while in the care of a temporary member of staff," Antony Read said Saturday. Halliwell made the complaint at a London police station Aug. 18, Read said. "Bluebell is now happy and well, and there are no further concerns for her welfare," he added in a statement. Good. However, I'm a little worried about Geri. If she thinks the baby was abused, just wait until the kid starts school and everyone learns her name is Bluebell Madonna. She's going to be calling the police daily. 
In related Spice Girl baby news. Posh is NOT pregnant with her fourth child. The Spanish TV show "Gente" caught up with David Beckham at the wheel of his car and the 31-year-old former England captain appeared to confirm the news that his wife Victoria is pregnant. Apparently there was some sort of translation problem and he was just confirming that his already existing kids are doing fine. The Beckhams do plan on having another child sometime in the future. I bet they practice all the time. [source and source]
After the VMAs, Paris Hilton got a taste of what it's like to be Tara Reid. Last week Paris and her new BFF Kim Kardashian breezed through the line at Hyde nightclub while Paris' old BFF Tara Reid tried unsuccessfully to get into the club. In a twist of events, Paris was denied entry to a VMA after-party at Bungalow 8 -- reducing her to tears. You know this is the most tragic thing that's happened to her since that time Tinkerbell went missing. 
Little Lindsay Lohan went grocery shopping in July and the National Inquirer got their grubby hands on Ms. Lohan's shopping receipt. What did she buy? 
Less Interesting:
Hot Pockets (not Lean Pockets)
Diet Coke
Doritos
TGIF frozen appetizer
Tonic water
Pretty Interesting:
Large-sized condoms
Wine (the bitch is only 20 years old)
Intersting:
Unisom
Nyquil
Sudafed
Claritin
Excedrin
Chaser (hangovers supplement)
Green Tea Supplement
So, what does this prove:
19 year-old Kylie Hodgson and her partner 17 year-old Remi Horder beat incredible odds when they popped out their first children -- twin daughters! Kylie and Remi are both of mixed race. Both of their mothers are white and their fathers are black. Here's where the story gets interesting: their twin daughters have remarkably different skin tones -- one is black while the other is white! The amazing conception happened after two eggs were fertilised at the same time in the womb. According to the Multiple Births Foundation, one baby inherited the black genes from both sides of the family, while the other little girl inherited the white ones. 
The twins were born by caesarean in April last year because one of the girls was lying in an awkward position in the womb. "I didn't see them at first," said their mother. "They were both whisked away to be checked over and then the midwife came back and placed them both in my arms. I noticed that both of them had beautiful blue eyes, but whilst Remee was blonde, Kian's hair was black and she had darker skin. It seemed strange, but I was feeling so ill that I didn't really take it in at that stage." The next day she mentioned the color difference to her mother, who told her that Remee's skin would darken as she grew older. But as the weeks passed, Remee became lighter still while Kian went darker. And while Remee's eyes stayed blue, Kian's turned brown.
Here's the science behind it: the odds against of a mixed race couple having twins of dramatically different color are a million to one. Skin color is believed to be determined by up to seven different genes working together. If a woman is of mixed race, her eggs will usually contain a mixture of genes coding for both black and white skin. Similarly, a man of mixed race will have a variety of different genes in his sperm. When these eggs and sperm come together, they will create a baby of mixed race. But, very occasionally, the egg or sperm might contain genes coding for one skin color. If both the egg and sperm contain all white genes, the baby will be white. And if both contain just the versions necessary for black skin, the baby will be black. For a mixed-race couple, the odds of either of these scenarios are around 100 to one. But both scenarios can occur at the same time if the woman conceives non-identical twins, another 100 to one chance. This involves two eggs being fertilized by two sperm at the same time, which also has odds of around 100 to one. If a sperm containing all-white genes fuses with a similar egg and a sperm coding for purely black skin fuses with a similar egg, two babies of dramatically different colors will be born. The odds of this happening are 100 x 100 x 100 - a million to one. Whatever the case, they’re lucky to have a beautiful, healthy family and an interesting story! [source]
Graffiti artist Banksy pranked various UK record stores by replacing hundreds of copies of Paris' shitty album with his own remixes and some hysterically doctored cover art that can be viewed here. Banksy has replaced Hilton's CD with his own remixes and given them titles such as Why am I Famous?, What Have I Done? and What Am I For? A spokeswoman for Banksy said he had doctored 500 copies of her debut album Paris in 48 record shops across the UK. She told the BBC News website: "He switched the CDs in store, so he took the old ones out and put his version in." But he left the original barcode so people could buy the CD without realising it had been interfered with. No customers had complained or returned a doctored version. Here is a video of the prank going down with some of the sampled remixes:
[source]
I'm usually pretty good at these but I'm at a loss today...can any of you help me out?!?!
Which rapper who's uncooperative with cops is also uncooperative with cocktail waitresses? He doesn't like to tip . . .
Maybe DMX. Is he even out of jail?
Which female head of a cosmetics company used to be a man? Company employees watched the executive as, "first he wore more feminine suits, then switched to full-on dresses and then got the ultimate cut," said our spy . . .
Which married artist should tell his girlfriend to tone it down? The socialite has been shopping all over town, ringing up huge bills on his credit card and telling everyone about their affair. [source]
"Crocodile Hunter" Steve Irwin, the Australian naturalist killed by a stingray on Monday, was videotaped pulling a poisonous barb from his chest just before he died, according to news reports.
Now, I know that he's dangled his children in front of ravenous, hungry crocks in the past, but no one deserves to die like this. One report I read suggested that the pain of being attacked by a stingray is similar to being stabbed with a knife in the heart. Oy.
Irwin's manager John Stainton, who was among the television crew on the reef, said the accident was caught on videotape.
He described the footage of his friend dying as "terrible.".
"It shows that Steve came over the top of the ray and the tail came up, and spiked him (in the chest), and he pulled it out and the next minute he's gone," John said. Click the souce button below and watch a video on just how stingrays strike.
"That was it. The cameraman had to shut down (after that)," John said.
He is survived by his wife Terri, and their two children, Bindi Sue, 8, and Robert (Bob), 3.
[source]
Rose McGowan turns 33. What does she do now that Marilyn Manson is married?
Dweezil Zappa turns 37. What does he do?
Freddie Mercury's dead ass turns 60. It's not his fault he got HIV before they knew how to treat it.
Raquel Welch turns 66. Wow.
Bob Newhart turns 77. Wait, is he still alive?
Jesse James turns 159. He's not.
Forget Paltrow... 
David Bowie, Alan Cumming, Richard Gere, Gisele, Iman, Alicia Keys, Lucy Liu and Liv Tyler are all African. Actually, out of this whole group, Iman is the only real African...officially making this the dumbest advertisement ever. Take Iman, baby Zahara, Nelson Mandela, Sade, Charlize Theron, Desmond Tutu and Seal- and this might make sense...a little.
The 60 year old rocker (yeah, she's 60!!!) decided to clear her Malibu home of its Gothic contents and reshape her life into more of a Moroccan-Tibetan look. It's about time she gets rid of the goth! What started as a little purge turned into clearing her home have of a collection of some 200 gowns and costumes and nearly 800 items in total. Clear my home of 800 items and you have me down to just my home -- literally....me and the walls that keep me warm...or I guess cool at this point in time. What's notable is that the mannequins supporting Cher's dresses had to be specially made because of Cher's special figure. Whatever...I have a special figure too -- I just don't have specially made mannequins to support my clothing. I have hangers. Plastic ones....they all match though. Not all of the money from the sale at the Beverly Hilton will go back into Cher's home. An undeclared but "substantial" portion will go to a range of charities that she supports...not that Cher needs ANY of the funds -- she has a reported $600 million bank account as of 2002. [source]
Beyonce Knowles turns 25 today although she looks a lot older. That isn’t a compliment.
Rumored gay baseball star Mike Piazza turns 38 today.
Funny man Damon Wayans turns 46.
Dr. Drew is still talkin’ about sex at age 48.
I woke up early on Friday with stomach cramps so I was lucky enough to catch Jessica Simpson's LIVE ear-wrenching performance on the Today Show. It left me in more pain than I was in when I first woke up but whatever. I give the girl credit for even TRYING to sing when she obviously sounds like a toad. She was sick. In her mind it was probably some kind of ‘clever’ damage control to prove once and for all that she’s a talented artist. I know that doesn’t make sense – this is Jessica Simpson’s mind I’m talking about here people.
Newly separated actress Salma Hayek turned 38 on Saturday (I'm a little behind).
Nationality-confused "retired" boxer Lennox Lewis turned 41 on Saturday.
Keanu "why is he still famous" Reeves turned 42 on Saturday.
Forget plastic surgery, Fergie's ButHerFace looks fabulous with these two standing on either side of her! Why didn't someone think of this sooner?
Remember this?
I know, I know...I'm sorry to remind you but did I at least evoke an early-afternoon laugh? The other day Celebhijinx reader oldwiseone suggested we bring out our #1 hall of famer in our all-star hall of fashion fug: Perez Hilton. Well, "gossip journalist" (at least that's what he likes to call himself) Perez Hilton is at it again with his fugliness. Just when you thought he'd learn his lesson from the Madonna-on-her-way-to-the-2001-LA-opening-of-the-movie-Snatch/John-Travolta-during-his-overweight-stage-but-in-his-Saturday-Night-Fever-costume-with-a-redesigned-jacket-inspired-by-the-Pink-Ladies-and-the-Energizer-Bunny-minus-the-drum-and-sunglasses-pink-razr outfit, he goes and does this: 
Someone needs to slap Perez Hilton and remind him that he's NOT Paris Hilton. For a second, I almost feel a little bad for him - with a face like that, I imagine his middle and high school experiences weren't easy...and he's on a parade of ridicule again. 
Paris Hilton recently said "I'll pick out two outfits, one which is disgusting and one nice and I'll ask my 'friend' what they think. If they go for the revolting one, I cut them out of my life." She then obviously gives the revolting outfit to her "friend" Perez.
I couldn't pass this one up. I swear, sometimes people make it too easy.
This here is an illustration from a German children's book on sex ed. Yeah. I know. I'm not really into cartoons doin' it, but it's been a really long time, so I'll take what I can get. **Please write me if you're interested in membership opportunities with the Born Again Virgins Club, where my friend Rob and I share a place on the executive committee.**
So time for a little fun, ok? Click on the picture above to flip through the book for yourself. Below is a word for word translation from German to English. Please, enjoy!
I pretty much heard from EVERYONE that the VMAs sucked much ass. I frankly don't give a fuck. Justin Timberlake opened the show. I missed it, but don't worry, I've watched the performance 26 times already this morning, and I'm half way to memorizing the dance moves.
STFU cause Justin is way hot. Ok?
Dirty baaaaaabe... you see these shackles, baby i'm your slaaaaaave.
***UPDATE***
I'm hijacking my own post to bring you a clip of Xina Aguilera... she rocked out with her cock out too.
Actor Scott Speedman (Felicity ) is 31.
Comedian-actress Lily Tomlin is 67.
Singer Barry Gibb of the Bee Gees is 60.
Super Loser Dr. Phil is 56.
Singer Gloria Estefan is 49.
Jazz saxophonist Boney James is 45.
Country singer-songwriter Charlie Robison is 42.
DJ Spigg Nice of Lost Boyz is 36.
Actor Ricardo Antonio Chavira (Desperate Housewives ) is 35.
