That's a line from "America's Most Wanted," if ya didn't already know. What's happened to Ashton? He's gone from this:
which is quite a lovely Femullet, to this:
which is more Dateline hidden-camera-investigation-bad-touch-Silence of the Lambs-type deal. Granted, it's not unusual for the mullet to become a 70's porn mustache and end up on the wong side of the law, but it's sad when good kilts happen to bad fashion sense.
[source]
Brangelina will be selling the first photos of Shiloh to Getty Images, according to this press release. That's TERRIFIC news, not only because they'll raise money for charity, but because it's really easy to steal their photos and dump them into Photobucket. Yay!
WHICH super-skinny celeb says she wants to gain weight but can't? Seems that when she was not so thin, she had her stomach stapled and is stuck with her skeletal look. Nicole Richie. That really sucks. 
WHICH Hollywood starlet, who's earned a rep for sleeping with almost anyone, is now into threesomes? She likes to get it on with two guys at once in club bathrooms. Paris Hilton. 
WHICH young, divorced celebrity left her man because she thought she had found true love with someone else? Sadly, the guy she had an affair with freaked out when she left her husband for him and hasn't called her since . Mena Suvari? 
WHICH actress is so desperate for male attention, she's been known to turn into a "psycho-stalker?'' After her last one-night stand, her conquest, whom many assumed to be gay, said he couldn't get rid of her. Teri Hatcher. The one night stand has GOT to be Ryan Seacrest. [pagesix]
Which married European music exec is fooling around with an NYC movie producer on the side? I have no idea
Which axed daytime talk host was known to enjoy his 9 a.m. OJ "with about 90% vodka," according to one guest on the show? Tony Danza. [NYDailyNews]
For some reason, pornographic photographs of Lady Heather McCartney are just starting to show up. I bet Paul wishes he saw this about $400 million ago . Here's the story:
Lady Heather McCartney posed in depraved pornographic clinches which are bound to sicken her estranged husband Sir Paul and his army of fans. The ex-model was snapped in a string of lurid scenes for a hard core German book. Many of the images are too explicit to print in a family newspaper. One shot shows Heather naked and smothered in baby oil as she performs a sex act on a nude male porn star. The curly-haired man is then photographed performing an act on her with the help of a sex toy.In other shots Heather appears to act out bondage scenes with whips, handcuffs and edible underwear. Dressed in red stockings, suspenders and a corset — and with long red-painted nails — she looks like the madam of a sleazy brothel. She is also seen smearing herself and the male co-star with whipped cream and baby oil. In some snaps her nipples are covered with lipstick. In other scenes, Heather and the man appear to have sex and perform sex acts while watching themselves in a mirror. And in yet more, Heather ends up naked during a game of strip poker. The porn shoot was published in 1988 — five years before the blonde became famous after losing her leg when hit by a police motorbike.
You can see the rest of the pictures on the Sun Online website. I hope she uses some of her divorce settlement for a boob job. If they looked like that in the 80's I can only imagine what they look like one baby and about 18 years later.
Actor Chad Allen (Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman ) is 32.
Saxophonist Kenny G is 50.
Singer Brian McKnight is 37.
Actor-singer Mark Wahlberg is 35.
Bassist P-nut of 311 is 32.
Actress Liza Weil (Gilmore Girls ) is 29.
Sometimes I get a little extravagant when it comes to buying presents for other people’s children. I’ve been known to buy some ridiculously expensive Baby Dior (Christian Dior) items or children’s Prada Sport sneakers but this is one stroller ride away from completely insane: 
It looks like it belongs in the mouth of a baby rapper….talk about bling! It's a bling-ky! This binky can be purchased for $17,000 at http://www.itsmybinky.com/. It’s made of 278 pave cut white diamonds totaling 3 carats with a 14K European nickel-free white gold base. Ridiculous! Here’s what the website has to say about what is probably the world’s most expensive binky:
An exact replica of a real pacifier, Diamond Pacifiers features a genuine silicone nipple and a real moving handle. Pacifiers can be customized with colored diamonds and engraved with baby’s name or initial, birth date or birth weight. Though we do not recommend actual use, the Diamond pacifier makes a fabulous, upscale keepsake and will become a new classic to that of bronzing baby shoes!
Who knows, maybe when the baby turns 18 they’ll melt it down and make some diamond/white gold grillz. In a wonderful marketing strategy, itsmybinky.com have given Shiloh Nouvel Pitt-Jolie one of these sparklers. World’s most expensive binky for the world’s most popular baby!!! (Please, she’s so much more famous than Suri. Suri was so one month ago!) For the actual cost of the binky (less than $17,000), they get some pretty good publicity. A smart move for the company because I can’t see $17,000 binkies, not recommended for use, as a huge trend. Then again, a majority of that publicity is on blogs, where most people won’t spend $17,000 on a car less than a binky. Except for Celebhijinx readers, of course. Our readers are total class! [source]
Have no fear you "700 Club" fanatics, Pat Robertson was not aboard his Leer Jet that crashed Friday. Not that I expect any Pat Robertson fans to read this blog. I'm sure I offended them 752 posts ago. That's it. Two people were killed in the crash. Sorry about the loss...I'm sure Pat will broadcast a Christian prayer for you. Two crazy, Christian Republicans down, too many to go. Yes, I did just type that but I meant it in a sincere, not-going-to-hell kind of way. [source]
Ok, this is funny: I read an article on PageSix about how their editor spent the night in jail for drunk driving. My boyfriend almost spend the night in jail for drunk driving once (he got off) but my blog had enough gossip that we didn't need to include that. I should probably just be in jail all the time for my general behavior but you don't see me writing about it. I guess I just did. Anyway, here's the story:
"Richard Johnson was pulled over on West 14th Street at midnight because he had a cellphone glued to his ear. The arresting officer quickly accused him of slurred speech and asked him to take a Breathalyzer test. Showing dubious judgment, Johnson refused and was taken to the 7th Precinct in handcuffs, where he was asked to walk a straight line, stand like a statue with one foot off the floor and touch fingertips to nose with eyes closed. The reviews were mixed. But it's all on videotape for future screenings. The NYPD, which should be commended for its crackdown on DWI, treated Johnson with utmost professionalism. He was taken to the Tombs at 100 Centre St., where he shared a crowded holding pen with a gorgeous mosaic of individuals, all of whom were uncomfortable, tired and disgusted with the catering - Frosted Flakes and stale peanut-butter sandwiches. Nearly 12 hours after his arrest, Johnson was arraigned, given a court date and freed with no bail, after his lawyer argued he was not a flight risk."
I absolutely love the whole "gorgeous mosaic of individuals" and "catering -- Frosted Flakes" bits. The question of the night is "did he drop the soap?" Oh, and my question after the question of the night is "why is he too cheap to call a car service?" I call a car service and I already said I should just be kept in jail all of the time like a caged monkey in fabulous clothes. Talk about workplace humiliation. Once, while I lived in Pittsburgh, this drunken woman drove into the middle of PNC park (baseball field) during its construction. She became confused and couldn't get back out. It was a HUGE news story. I always wondered how she felt when she went back to work on Monday. P.S. Richard is looking a little Al Gore/John Edwards hybrid lovechild in this picture.
Nick Cannon might have a sex tape out there somewhere and I'll pay you $1000 to ....NOT ever show it please. According to PageSix, he told Complex magazine: "I used to have a house in the Hollywood Hills when I was 19 [and on Nickelodeon]. It was me and Kenan Thompson from 'Kenan and Kel.' I know in my room I had the video cameras set up, and I don't know what happened to a lot of those tapes. We were throwing parties every day. I had to move out of L.A. because I was too wrapped up in that scene. It wasn't really about girls' feelings; it would just be like a contest to see how many chicks I could smash off." Do you think they were older than 13? Let's have a "how many 13 year-old can we 'smash' off contest." Ok, you start.
Just the other day I was sitting on my couch thinking "I wonder what ever happened to Ricki Lake and those boys from Hanson." Mmmm bop, ba duba dop ba do bop, Ba duba dop ba do bop, Ba duba dop ba do. Sorry. Can you believe they earned money for that? What skilled lyricists. Prodigious children. Ok, first up--Miss Ricki Lake:
I'm pleased to let you know that Ricki Lake is doing just fine and she's found herself a new love. Go Ricki! Go Ricki!! Ready for his name (Hanson, can I have a drum roll) Apollo Yiamouyiannis. I'm guessing it's pronounced "Apollo" like the NASA lunar missions and then "Yam" like the vegetable, "oy" like the yiddish expression and then "Yannis" like the musician only plural. Whatever the case, he's a personal trainer and they're happy. Hopefully he'll keep her sometimes-fat ass in shape. 
Moving on to brothers Hanson. The youngest Hanson, Zac, is now 20 and is marrying his girlfriend of five years, 22 year-old Kate Tucker tomorrow, according to his publicist. I can't believe he still has a publicist. Have they even made music since 1997? He should really stop wasting money on a publicist and start saving for his future. I'm showing my maturity with that statement. Apparently the middle-age Hanson, Taylor, is already married and has two kids. Judging by the marital status of the group, it's safe to say that my memory served me right in thinking the oldest one was the least cute. They sound so stable. What stable young relationships. They must either be Mormons, have the last standing normal family in America or the people in my life are more messed up than I initially thought. [source]
...well you're kinda late but you can buy an "authentic" invitation and candle on ebay. The bidding starts at $999.99 and there are currently no bids. The auction ends in 4 days and you can visit it here for your daily recommended serving of cheese. I have so much to say about it I don't know where to start: 
1. I bet Kevin listed this for the cash. He probably stole it out of her wedding memory scrapbook.
2. If it wasn't Kevin, the seller should've waited in hopes that Britney will be worth something again.
3. Why would anyone buy this for $1,000 when they can print the pictures off the internet? The wedding is over and again, the Britney memorabilia stock exchange is at an all-time low.
4. It looks like Britney took a trip to the dollar store, bought candles and decorated them herself. She's Britney Spears...she should buy dyptyque candles, champagne, godiva chocolate or something other than dollar store candles.
5. I'd be pissed if I went to Britney's wedding and had to eat fried chicken, listen to a boombox, watch her marry K-Fed and then go home with that candle. I'm still obsessing on the candle. Seriously, look at this wedding favor: 
I've been to firehall weddings with better favors. I bet it smells like Cheetos when you burn it.
Jessica Alba quote: I was an insecure teenager and a born-again Christian hanging out with a group of kids that made me feel bad about showing my body. But I learned I shouldn’t be ashamed of what God gave me. 
Praise the Lord Jesus she found her way! Sounds like she was hanging 'round with the wrong crowd. Whoever those born-again Christian people she was friends with were fat, ugly and jealous. They should all be shipped far, far away to a never-ending Christian camp full of all the other fat, ugly, jealous born-again Christians that like to make people bad about themselves. Jessica Alba should've been my friend in high school. Mark my words, I would've had her making out with other girls and posing nude before graduation.
Joseph R. Gannascoli, the actor who played the slimmed down, tracksuit wearing, johnny-cake loving, man-eating mobster Vito Spatafore in the Sopranos attempt to go Brokeback, has himself in a little pill-peddling predicament. That was the loooongest sentence in the history of sentences ever. This little pharmaceutical foul-up is a bit different than the usual expected from a mobster and/or actor.
The makers of Stacker 2, an over-the-counter diet pill allege Gannascoli didn't do enough to promote the product after receiving about $316,000 from the company over the last 2 1/2 years. Gannascoli, 47, disputed the company's claim, which came after a tough few episodes when his character was beaten to death after his secret homosexual life was discovered. "I begged them to do things but they wouldn't. They didn't like I was doing the gay thing" in his TV role. It makes sense. I believe he would appeal to all the overweight, velour-tracksuit-wearing guidos and other Sopranos wannabes, but it’s safe to say that once he started playing for the pink team he wouldn’t be the most appealing of the faux-mobsters to that specific demographic. I can’t really see how he’d appeal to the gay demographic -- If I was trying to market to the fat, gay demographic I’d rather sell them Johnny cakes than diet pills endorsed by a fake gay gangster. Then again, it probably doesn't matter since the show is on HBO--half of you people probably have no fucking idea what I'm talking about with this gay mobster, johnny-cake bullshit because you don't subscribe to HBO. In other news, Joseph R. Gannascoli is now pushing pills for a competing diet pill company. Can anyone say “It’s Trim Spa, goomba!” [source]
Need a reason to drink tonight?
Matthew McConaughey and Penelope Cruz have called it quits. Yawn.
It's time for her to use her magical beard powers on another in-the-closet Hollywood gay. I just wish they'd deal with it - he can be gay, she can be a lesbian and the world would be a better place. Just for a little added boredom, here's their blah blah joint statment:
"[We] have decided to take time off as a couple. Due to busy work schedules and so much time apart, [we] mutually decided four weeks ago that separating was the best thing to do at this time." [source]
Just in case you are dumb and/or on drugs and were thinking about watching the new "Simple Life," don't bother. Here's what happens: Paris acts dumb and "irons" dinner. She literally tries to cook sandwiches with an iron. If anyone thinks that is even remotely funny, there is something seriously wrong inside your simple head. Nicole dresses up in a really bad prosthetic belly (pretending to be pregnant), dances on a stripper poll and makes a comment about "being fat." They both, on one or more occasion, offend the families they are working with.
If you wanted to see any drama between them, it won't happen. Paris characterizes the two as "complete opposites." "I'm the nice one, she's the evil one. Some people change when they think they're a star or something and some people stay the same. I've always been the same and she's definitely not." "Nothing happened," says Nicole. "You've never lost touch with anyone in your life?" That's about all you'll get out of this.
Basically this show was dead before it started. Someone thought they could make a lot of money off this show. It did well the first season but then never really picked up after that. Most people lost interest. The two got into a fight and lost interest. The rest of the world lost interest. Fox gave them the pink slip. The only reason it's still on TV is because of a little desperation on behalf of E! and possibly a contractual obligation or two. [source]
I promised no more Firecrotch but I lied. There's one more story to this hopefully short-lived saga. Firecrotch isn't happy with the "apology" Brandon Davis supposedly issued shortly after his seemingly-drunken tirade of 4th grader vulgarity. What apology? The one that Joe "Girls Gone Wild" Francis was talking about or the statement PageSix released? Just because a guy who made his money off girls pulling up their shirts and yelling "wooo wooo" into a camcorder and a gossip column said there was an apology, doesn't really mean he really apologized. I wouldn't accept:
"My behavior on May 16 was inexcusable. What started out as a joke got completely carried away and I am horrified at the words that came out of my mouth. I consider Lindsay a friend and I hope she accepts my sincere apology for my reprehensible actions last week."
Friends don't call friends FIRECROTCH.
... if the brunt of the joke was my 7 foot long clitoris and vaginal freckles. Of course, I don't have either of those physical anomalies …I’m speaking hypothetically here.
In Touch is now reporting that Lohan's lawyers have sent the oil heir a letter warning that the actress may sue him if he doesn't make a $250,000 charitable donation and release a videotaped apology to TV. Lindsay's lawyers should also send a letter to Lindsay warning her that cokeheads may sue her for making them look bad unless she buys $250,000 worth of pure cocaine and rents out a room in the Fantasy Tower at the Palms for a week long binge. [source]
I was giving Janet a hard time the other day. Acutally, I think everyone on this blog has been giving her a hard time recently. I want to take some of it back. Here's Janet in Miami last night looking particularly (naturally) fit...and by natural I mean she took the weight off through diet and exercist AND no photoshop work seems to be present: 
As a reminder, here's Janet's US Weekly cover where she's also looking particularly fit but I accused her of taking the lazy route out:
Sure it's probably still photoshopped a little. If those abs aren't already there, they're only weeks away!
Tamara Rotolo, a citizen of California, vacationed on the Cote d'Azur in the south of France in 1991 and got a wild, royal ride. Literally. She had a brief affair with Prince Albert of Monaco and she became pregnant. The result of this affair is a now 14 year-old daughter, Jazmin Grace Grimaldi. What the hell kind of princess name is that? Jazmin. Sounds more like she's supposed to come out of a magic genie bottle. Unfortunately, Jazmin is not in line to the throne of the 700-year-old dynasty. Wouldn't that be exciting if she was able to claim the throne? I guess living in California and having the Prince of Monaco for a father would be exciting enough. Hell, having Prince the singer as my father would be exciting. The 48 year-old, never-married Prince acknowledged a son he fathered out of wedlock last year. Hey, at least we know he's not gay. Being a 48 year-old, never-married Prince with no children isn't good for the gay rumors. [source]
Owen Wilson reportedly had the hots for Francesca Versace, the 23 year-old "party girl" niece of Donatella. Apparently the feeling was mutual and the two are now dating. Fortunately for Owen, Francesca doesn't have the face of her aunt. Unfortunately for Francesca, most people think Owen’s nose looks like a penis attached to his face. Personally, I think Owen is adorable. I'd date him if I happened to be Francesca Versace or I was myself and he was a non-famous person. Francesca is following in the fashion footsteps of her famous fashion family and is currently at London's Central Saint Martins College. I’m sure we’ll be hearing more about her in the future! 
[source]
Sometimes I think Jennifer Ansiton is adorable and sometimes I wish she had an "off" button. During a recent press conference promoting her new movie, The Break-Up, a reporter asked if she was interested in using her fame to address any of the world's important issues. She replied "No, I'm not interested in any of that. I like to just focus on me and my tabloid career." Cute. Her sarcastic answer went over well with the crowd. Was it just a joke or a stab at her ex-husband and his new baby mama? Who knows. She went on to tell the reporters that she has many interests but she does not care to share them with the public. I have some interests like that too -- you know, the ones you keep hidden in a box on a shelf in the back of the closet...probably right next to the old strap-on she used on Brad.
Her thoughts on tabloids: "There's a lot happening in the world. It's one of the things I always say is these tabloids are just distracting people from the issues and the things that are happening in the world. Read a newspaper. Read about what's going on in the world. It's quite embarrassing to be the centre of all of those trash magazines when there is so much going on that needs people's attention. But I also think its a way for people to distract themselves from all of it. It's just like having junk food."
My thoughts on tabloids: Listen to Jennifer Aniston. Don't waste your money. Come to Celebrity Hijinx where we have stories, pictures and sarcasm for free. Then go read a newspaper. ...and eat some junk food while you're at it just for the hell of it. [source]
Actor Stacy Keach is 65. And still SMOKIN' with that 70's porn 'stache.
Actor Milo O'Shea is 81.
Singer William Guest with Gladys Knight and the Pips is 65.
Drummer Charlie Watts of the Rolling Stones is 65.
Actor-director Charles Haid (Hill Street Blues) is 63.
Composer Marvin Hamlisch is 62.
Actor Jerry Mathers (Leave It To Beaver) is 58.
Actress Joanna Gleason is 56.
Actor Dennis Haysbert (24) is 52.
Comedian Dana Carvey is 51.
Singer Tony Hadley of Spandau Ballet is 46.
Singer Merril Bainbridge is 38.
Rapper B-Real of Cypress Hill is 36.
Actress Paula Cale (Providence) is 36.
Comedian Wayne Brady is 34.
Actress Nikki Cox (Las Vegas) is 28.
Actor Deon Richmond (Van Wilder, Scream 3) is 28.
Singer Irish Grinstead of 702 is 26.
Drummer Fabrizio Moretti of The Strokes is 26.
Country singer Dan Cahoon of Marshall Dyllon is 23.
Oh gosh, Wiggly Jiggle-Poof is too cute. America loves her. I mean, him. Or do I?
Oh, let's back up, shall we? And that's an appropriate segue if there ever was one, because Wiggly--a desperate eager type from Blandsville, Anywhere--got more than just a foot in the door, know what I mean, my jaded jellybeans?
Let me be more clear (not exactly my strong suit, I know): Wiggly was helped enormously with his glitzy 'n' glam gig by a certain in-the-closet major Biz player by the name of Burp Behemoth. Yes, sexual favors were included in exchange for W.'s 9-to-5 rise. Just as long as W.J.P. remained available for Burp's pleasures, when he so chose, which actually turned out to be not that often.
So, was it all that bad, in the end?
Certainly not for Mr. Jiggle. That is, unless more and more boob-tube devotees discover the little deal J.P. made with the Tinseltown devil--with whom many of us are so often tempted to do bidness.
And it ain't: 
Ugh. It's too early on a Friday for me to even attempt to figure this out. Basically we're looking for a higher-up in the entertainment industry who isn't out of the closet and an adorable TV star who had a quick-ish rise to fame courtesy of a few blow jobs and a drive down the Hershey highway or something. I can rule out a few more usual suspects: I don’t think it’s Ryan Seacrest (just don’t think it’s him), Anderson Cooper (famous mom, story doesn’t match) or Jesse Metcalf (used to be on TV much more than he is now).
Ok, after warming up my brain a little I have two guesses: 1. Chad Michael Murray because he just seems like one of those guys who would do this and I love to call him gay for some reason. 2. Ashton Kutcher because I remember reading something about network exec's asking him to read for parts and he got "That's 70's Show" on his first audition -- or something to that effect. Neither one of them have particularly "glitz and glam" gigs although you might be able to consider Ashton's marriage a "glitzy and glam gig." These aren't the best guesses in the world but that's what I'm workin' with right now!
Ironically, I was watching "My Celebrity Home" on the Style network when I came across this celebrity home on the internet: 
If someone gave me three guesses to figure out who these rooms belong to I'd say someone who is really tacky like: Mariah Carey, Donald Trump (guest house--not tacky enough for real house) or Britney Spears pre-K-Fed. I probably would've guessed Prince but it's not purple enough orParis Hilton except that I just saw some pictures of her delightfully disgusting home.
Ok so the rooms pictured above belong to Star Jones and her husband, Big GAY AL. You can buy this domestic monstrosity for $2,200,000. I figure they're probably preparing for Star's impending unemployment and subsequent divorce. She should just give the place to Big Gay Al because it looks like it was decorated by a big, gay man. I can't see anyone paying $2 million for this place unless they have enough money to demolish it and start over again. 
[source]
Stolen straight from George Michael and Boy George's closets. Although I don't think either Boy George or George Michael would've worn leather bemurda shorts or pleather bermuda shorts or vinyl or whatever the hell kind of fabric comprises those bermuda shorts. Not even in the 80's. And what is with those shoes? Are those black Naturalizer sneakers? I just wrote a story earlier about how Lindsay possibly hired a hypnotist to help her stop spending so much money on clothes. What she should've done was hire a hypnotist to help her and/or her "stylist" Rachel Zoe get a clue about fashion. 
Anne Majerik is a 60-year-old golddigging social worker from Erie, Pa. Orly Hadida an Israeli beauty pageant winning, Beverly Hills matchmaker. Anne, a widow, paid Orly $125,000 to find her a wealthy, monogamous man who earns more than $1 million and had estates of up to $20 million. Instead, Orly found Anne inappropriate suitors like an “international banker” who was really a translator that worked at a bank. Welcome to the age-old story of person suing person for a ridiculous sum of money. Hey, it’s not like social workers get paid enough to afford an unsuccessful $125,000 golddigging attempt. Orly countersued, claiming Anne is a “serial matchmaker suer” as Anne had previously sued Valenti International matchmakers. 
I’ve seen Valenti International ads in airline magazines and they look pretty tacky…not as tacky as the website I found when I google searched Orly’s name but definitely tacky. Orly's claim to fame is that she's the only matchmaker in the Guinness Book of World Records. Valenti International is run by the trash bag on the right.
These sights are clearly designed to hook up the biggest golddiggers with the skeeviest rich men. You’re way more likely to pick up a decent rich man at a bar than through either one of these service. Although now that I know how much these people earn through this so-called “matchmaking,” I might work on a little career change to either matchmaker or matchmaker suer. Anne won $2.1 million in her suit against Orly. I will sleep better tonight knowing that the jurors weren't entirely sympathetic to her. "We wanted to punish the defendant, but in the amount we wanted to punish the defendant, we didn't want to reward the plaintiff," said foreman Christie Troutt. "They were both wrong.” Orly's attorney said she plans to appeal. [source]
What is wrong with these people? First Hugh Jackman jacks off in his Wolverine outfit, and now Halle Berry admits she's a whore in her Storm outfit. I can only imagine what Rebecca does to Jerry--but I'm sure the bed ends up looking like a 2-year old took a jar of blue fingerpaint to it. We already know that Dino's recent Gay-Men post created a ruckus, but clearly, the straights are more f-ed up.
UPDATE:
I was right about Rebecca. Click here!
[HJ source and HB source]
Saved By The Bell's Lisa Turtle (Lark Voorhies) is suing the National Enquirer to gain more attention to her has-been ass. Ahem. I meant to say Lark Voorhies is suing the National Enquirer because they published a story about her having a drug problem. Don't all child/teen stars end up with a drug problem or two? What's the big deal? 
The suit says Lark, whom it describes as a "famous and popular actress," lost several "potential acting and hosting jobs" after the tabloid published a June 2005 article that said she was hospitalized for a cocaine addiction. Try famous and popular in 1989. I might be able to settle with them saying "she once was a famous and popular actress who now occasionally guest stars on cheesy sitcoms on UPN." The only potential job I can think of that she might've been qualified for is being one of Howie Mandel's briefcase girls on Deal or No Deal...and I don't think they'd have a problem if she had a coke problem. You know those girls have a kilo hidden in one of those briefcases for the show's afterparty. Have no fear, Lark has a doctor's note saying that she has no addiction and wasn't hospitalized. Chances are she probably stole a prescription notepad from her doctor and forged it. Whatever. At least National Enquirer can spare the money it will take to keep her house from going into foreclosure. Please, you know she's running out of Saved by the Bell money...it's been like 13 years! [source]
Houston rapper (and current love of my life) Chamillionaire claims that the cops harrassed him last month by pulling over his tour bus and performing an unnecessary search. He says they don't like his lyrics.
Do what you thinkin' so, I tried to let you go.
Turn on my blinker light and then I swang it slow.
And they upset for sure
'Cause they think they know
That they catchin me with plenty of the drinkin' drough.
So they get behind me,Tryin' to check my tags.
Look at my rearview and they smilin',
Thinkin' they'll catch me on the wrong; keep tryin'
steady denyin' it's racial profilin'.
Houston, TX, you can check my tags;
Pull me over, try to check my slab.
Glove compartment, gotta get my cash
'Cause the crooked cops'll try to come up fast.
And bein' the baller that I am, I talk to them,
Givin' a damn 'bout not feeling my attitude.
When they realize I ain't even ridin' dirty
Bet you'll be leavin' with an even madder mood.
I'ma laugh at you
God, I love him.
[source]
... because she spent all of her money on them and couldn't afford a house. Lindsay Lohan reportedly hired a hypnotist to help stop her spending binges. Lindsay has been known to spend $100,000 a day, once allegedly blowing $20,000 in 20 minutes. Her stylist says "her closets are overflowing with things like $8,000 Prada dresses and $2,000 Balenciaga bags. She has so many clothes, she never even wears some of them!” Forget a hypnotist...I just think she needs a stable mother and father...or a babysitter... a little bit of love... and maybe some anti-depressants. I personally can't wait until she's a washed-up Balenciaga bag lady. [source]
Dearest Mimi:
You appear to have emancipated yourself right into a stripper's discount clothing store. Sweet Jesus you look like a total prostitute. One of those back-alley types from the HBO specials "Hookers at the Point" not a $2,000/night Charlie Sheen during his better days kind of girl. I'm not sure what look you were actually going for with this outfit but as soon as I saw you, the lyrics from Dr. Dre's song "Bitches Ain't Shit" popped into my head. In case you don't remember 1992, it was the last song on Dr. Dre's "The Chronic" album and it goes a little something like this "Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks. Lick on deez nutz and suck the dick. Gets the fuck out after you're done.” So Mimi, unless you really are a bitch who is both a hoe and a trick and you like to suck on Snoop Dogg's and Dr. Dre's nutz and dick respectively and then leave shortly thereafter, I highly suggest you dispose of that dress immediately. - Love xine.
P.S.Will someone please write "class" on her next grocery shopping list.
Supermodel, Project Runway fashionista, and Seal lover Heidi Klum is 33
Actor Andy Griffith is 80.
Actor Pat Corley (Murphy Brown) is 76.
Actor Edward Woodward (The Equalizer) is 76.
Singer Pat Boone is 72.
Actor Morgan Freeman is 69.
Actor Rene Auberjonois (Star Trek: Deep Space Nine) is 66.
Guitarist Ron Wood of the Rolling Stones is 59.
Actor Jonathan Pryce (Evita) is 59.
Actor Powers Boothe is 57.
Singer Graham Russell of Air Supply is 56.
Country singer Ronnie Dunn of Brooks and Dunn is 53.
Actress Lisa Hartman Black is 50.
Bassist Simon Gallup of The Cure is 46.
Actress Teri Polo (Meet The Parents) is 37.
Singer Alanis Morissette is 32.
DC comics is resurrecting Batwoman and she's going to be a lipstick lesbian socialite. Isn't that so cute? A born again lesbian. I wonder if she'll carry a strap-on in her utility purse. Dan DiDio, vice president and executive editor at DC explained, "We decided to give her a different point of view. We wanted to make her a more unique personality than others in the Bat-family. That's one of the reasons we went in this direction." Another reason is to give 11 year old boys something new to jerk off to. The last reason is that DC comics hopes to collect royalties for any lesbian porn movies that will come of this. It's just a roundabout way for men to turn their comic fantasy into their lesbian porn fantasy. "This is not just about having a gay character," DiDio said. "We're trying for overall diversity in the DC universe. We have strong African-American, Hispanic and Asian characters. We're trying to get a better cross-section of our readership and the world." A better cross section would include a 250 pound women with 3 kids and Wal-Mart shopping superpowers, 300 pound balding men with superpowers to eat insane amounts McDonalds chicken McNuggets, a couple of useless blondes and a whole herd of flaming gay men who have magical powers for designer fashion and drinking fruity alcoholic beverages with little paper umbrellas. Judging from the picture, Batwoman looks like the gothic bondage type. Ten bucks says they'd never turn her into a big, butchy lesbian. Now that, my friends, would be groundbreaking.[source]
I hate to do this to Halle, but she's starting to look a little Janice Dickinson-ish...which basically means too fake and probably a little crazy. They obviously weren't separated at birth but at this rate they might be joined at death. 
Jeffrey Anderson, 55, was charged with carrying a concealed firearm on Monday after he brandished a firearm at The Bull and Whistle bar in Key West. That firearm was a flare gun. And Jeffrey Anderson was dressed in a purple women’s bathing suit. And he brandished the gun from under his skirt where he was storing it in his crotch. His mission: “to get rid of all the dirt bags in Key West.” Judging by his actions, he should’ve just turned the flare gun on himself and done Key West a favor. He was also reportedly seen “dancing in the street, showing tourists his private parts and asking people for money when they took his picture. [source]
It's nice to see that Anderson Cooper and Erica Hill can keep it real and hate on K-Fed..on CNN! It's also nice to know K-Fed's Popozao didn't do it for Anderson -- I won't use the Popozao on him when I try to seduce him and turn him into my lust man. Please, Anderson is soooogay! The dynamic of these two in this situation is exactly what would happen if Dino and I were on CNN.
They didn't break into his house and steal his new plasma TV but he is accusing them of stealing parts of his song 'Mary Jane's Last Dance.' Apparently the RHCP's new song called 'Dani California,' which is currently number 6 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart, sounds WAAAAAAAY too much like the Tom Petty "classic." Am I allowed to call it a classic? I haven't heard it since the early 90's. Actually, I haven't listed to the RHCP's since the 90's. I didn't even know they had a new album out. I'm completely unqualified to write this blog. The song has the same chord progression, melody and tempo of Petty's 'Mary Jane's Last Dance' and the lyrics are "similar."
Dani California starts off:
Gettin' born in the state of Mississippi / Poppa was a copper and her momma was a hippie / In Alabama she was swinging hammer
Mary Jane's Last Dance goes:
She grew up in a Indiana town / Had a good-lookin' mama who never was around / But she grew up tall and she grew up right / With them Indiana boys on an Indiana night
Ok so they both sang about childhood in a US state and someone having a mom. I'm sure these are the first two bands to ever to sing about that. It's just such an original concept. I mean what people are born in US states and have mothers?
If Tom Petty sues, the RHCP's cd will be pulled from the shelves pending litigation. The two artists share the same record label which means DRAMA. I'm still trying to figure out why the RHCP would want to steal a 90's song from Tom Petty. I just wonder if we're going to get to a point where we run out of music. Like at some point in time, there will be no originality. Everyone will have to sample from something else that already exists. You ponder that while I try to find this song to listen to the similarities. [source]
TMZ is reporting Anna Nicole Smith is about 5 months pregnant. I was going to make some cheesy joke about "twins" but she's not even really worth it. 4 months until the world welcomes another unfortunate child with little to no chance of a normal life. 
